Last night I experienced what could best be described as a emotional breakdown. It’s a rare occurrence, but when it happens it’s a doozy. I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from depression. But last night was the most I’ve cried since my best friend committed suicide almost 6 years ago. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that the pain of that loss never ever goes away. Time may soften the wound a bit, but it never does goes away. I supposed last night was evidence of that.
I admitted to my boyfriend, in between heavy sobs, that I missed my best friend very much but didn’t realise how much until last night. It’s been a rough few years. Much has happened since she died. I sold my house, moved, traveled a bit, partied a lot, lost a job, fell in love, found another job, then lost that job too. Life is an endless chain of change and upheaval; both physical, mental, and emotional. It has become apparent to me that if I want to make it through this life, I should accept two facts:
- Everything is temporary. Everything. That backbreaking job. The worst headache in the world. Fun camping trips. Caribbean cruises. Life. It’s all temporary. So either ride it out or enjoy it.
- Appreciate what I have. Despite going through some really difficult times, I have loving friends and family who support and encourage me. And I feel spiritually empowered whenever I’m in my element, doing what I love. I think I need to express that appreciation more.
My boyfriend has been really supportive and incredibly sensitive to me and my needs. When I told him that I wished I was tougher, he responded: “If you’re crying, it usually means that you’ve been tough for too long”.
I only write after cathartic emotional moments. It’s always been that way. It’s almost as if I have nothing to say unless it’s mentally or emotionally jarring. That’s not really true, but it’s s0mewhat true that I can’t seem to express myself unless my heart has been impacted in some way.
I feel better now. I made something to eat and I’m more relaxed. I’m enjoying my mental health day. A friend of mine is coming over tomorrow. We’re just gonna hang out and sip on tea.
No more breakdowns for a while. They take a lot out of me.