Breakdown

Last night I experienced what could best be described as a emotional breakdown. It’s a rare occurrence, but when it happens it’s a doozy. I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from depression. But last night was the most I’ve cried since my best friend committed suicide almost 6 years ago. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that the pain of that loss never ever goes away. Time may soften the wound a bit, but it never does goes away. I supposed last night was evidence of that.

I admitted to my boyfriend, in between heavy sobs, that I missed my best friend very much but didn’t realise how much until last night. It’s been a rough few years. Much has happened since she died. I sold my house, moved, traveled a bit, partied a lot, lost a job, fell in love, found another job, then lost that job too. Life is an endless chain of change and upheaval; both physical, mental, and emotional. It has become apparent to me that if I want to make it through this life, I should accept two facts:

  1. Everything is temporary. Everything. That backbreaking job. The worst headache in the world. Fun camping trips. Caribbean cruises. Life. It’s all temporary. So either ride it out or enjoy it.
  2. Appreciate what I have. Despite going through some really difficult times, I have loving friends and family who support and encourage me. And I feel spiritually empowered whenever I’m in my element, doing what I love. I think I need to express that appreciation more.

My boyfriend has been really supportive and incredibly sensitive to me and my needs. When I told him that I wished I was tougher, he responded: “If you’re crying, it usually means that you’ve been tough for too long”.

I only write after cathartic emotional moments. It’s always been that way. It’s almost as if I have nothing to say unless it’s mentally or emotionally jarring. That’s not really true, but it’s s0mewhat true that I can’t seem to express myself unless my heart has been impacted in some way.

I feel better now. I made something to eat and I’m more relaxed. I’m enjoying my mental health day. A friend of mine is coming over tomorrow. We’re just gonna hang out and sip on tea.

No more breakdowns for a while. They take a lot out of me.