Being Enough

Once I woke up with dark clouds inside my head. Back then I couldn’t even take a look at the mirror. I knew it already, if I was such a big mess. Being broken physically and mentally, I faced the reality. Maybe those situations weren’t that bad but I came with no survival kit. All my thoughts were lost in the middle of nowhere. I didn’t know who I am anymore.

It started months ago, the beginning of this year. The road was coming to an end because based on my educational plan, I’ll graduate at the middle of August. Then I was running out of luck, one by one problems came and gone temper-tantrum or in short… getting harder on each days. Born as a (too) chillax person, I used to give a fuck for those stuffs. It’s either chill or just me being denial, as my best weapon to face anything.

“Adulthood in nutshell” would definitely be three words I used to describe the journey. I admitted, for my whole life everything was just so easy. I got a very delicate circle, supportive family both financially and mentally, pathway that clearly lead into things I’m dreaming… I never really had such a darkest moment before. I’m not saying I’m a happy-go-lucky 24/7 but even if things gone me mad, it won’t last for couple days. Yeah, the road of my life isn’t that bumpy.

Illustration of myself stepping that ‘journey’ lol

During January to June 2017, I got rejected from 8 companies. It was really close to the graduating part yet I couldn’t even make myself fit into any jobs, which I already have experienced out of it in the past. There was also a thing with my lecturer, a long drama where he didn’t allow me to past his class because I lost too many absent chances. As if those loads weren’t enough, my family was facing an economic issue because my dad got one-sided firing from his office. Along this journey, I even lost one of my best friend. The worst part is I have no idea what’s happening between us, we just stop talking.

For the past six months, I felt like I’m drowning in the whirlpool. I barely caught my breaths regularly because I really had no idea how stuffs happened all in once. I couldn’t give it a count on how many nights I spent on crying. It felt like I’m running out of tears yet all I can let it out were just screams through my pillow. I thought 2016, with my robot mode and messed up activities, is the worst year of my life. Turns out, it was just a ‘warming up’ phase.

I realised I couldn’t blame anyone, not even myself, forever. During those six months, I tried to open up as much to people I grow my faith on. They did the same thing, they believed in me. First thing and sure was the hardest among all is acceptance. I learnt to accept that life is temporary & lots of time can be so uncertain. I faced the reality, came out of my denials. Then I did something I can never think of for this past years; I gave myself a chance to love… well, myself.

Concrete proof of my self-love is I started a healthier lifestyle transformation. In many aspects I still don’t improve that much. Even if it’s counted by my weight-loss, it’s not that impressive. But it’s not what I’m looking for. I am proud of myself because at this point I can say I never skip eating veggies and fruits every day. I also managed to workout at least once a week. A record that made me so happy because slowly but sure I’m getting over my commitment issue as well. The happiness fill in my lungs, as I lost it by barely breathing months ago.

Next thing is I did what makes me happy, literally. I want to put my happiness above all, as it would be the only thing that matter. Bought clothes I want to wear, coloured my hair the way I want it to be, escaped to some places I’ve been meaning to visit and met lot of strangers who gave me ideas. Two last things I mentioned happened a week ago. Bandung is my ultimate choice to escape, a perfect city to hit the pause button. I overwhelmed with every magical things that happened during my escape session there.

A view I’m looking for

The scenery is breathtaking. I enjoyed all the cold day and nights there, even tho it made me can’t put my socks off. What made it even more beautiful is the people who’s been my companion. A bestie who always got my side and a stranger who got me thinking until now. Universe is just funny sometimes. It makes no sense how a person you never seen before might make you feel… enough. At first my plan was just getting a free ride with no maps reading because I wanted to visit here and there. But as I made my expectations lower, I got even more.

He wasn’t the first ‘stranger’ I met, not even my first blind-date as well. The way we laughed together, did stupid things together or even get an actual lost because we both are just too stubborn, gave me lots of endorphin. This person might have no idea how that day helped me. Because months I suffered the way myself was never enough. Then he came along, we were happy, I finally can feel it again through my body. A cliche fling, you might said. Even if he read this, I just want him to know I owe him a huge thanks.

At the end, I’d like to say two things; One, at some point you’ll feel empty. People said it’ll be a phase you gotta pass. Two, yourself might be not enough. You can’t see everything clearly when the time has arrived. But then I’d like to remind you two things; One, you’re the one who live your life. No one else will take care of it as much as you do. Two, even if it’s not enough, you got yourself. Of course, you can put your happiness onto other person or things as well. But put yourself on the highest place among all. Then by the moment, you know how enough you are. (zhr)

Written by

Here to write and explore ideas. Currently living in Jakarta, Indonesia. Soon to be a New Yorker.

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