The timeline of my relationship to eating an entire can of beans as visualized by stills from Twin Peaks

I love beans. Pinto beans, black beans, garbanzo beans, whatever. Beans in burritos, beans on toast (better than it looks!), beans and mashed potatoes… they’re a long-time standby of my culinary habits. Unfortunately, while my mind loves the idea of eating an entire can of beans in one sitting, my stomach most definitely does not. Here are some stills from the television show Twin Peaks that help visualize my bean-related feelings.

How I feel when I imagine eating an entire can of beans

How I feel as I start to eat some beans

How I feel as I get halfway through a can of beans and consider whether I should eat the other half

How I feel immediately after finishing the can of beans and realizing that I’ve made a true mistake

How I feel 2 minutes later having finished an entire can of beans

How I feel a few minutes later when that nagging flash of insight reminds me that I could have eaten the can in multiple sittings instead of all at once

How I feel as I contemplate the emotional and physical pain I am about to experience through the eating of an entire can of beans

How I feel in the midst of my regret

How I feel the following day when I prepare to go whole hog on even more beans with my very best bean boys

How I feel knowing that my regret is illusory and that I’ll probably never learn my lesson, continuing to remain blissfully ignorant every time I contemplate eating an entire can of beans in one sitting