The Journal Epiphany

Rich Steward
Jul 29, 2017 · 5 min read
Journaling has been so positive for me

It’s been a while since I committed a post to the web and not just to a page in my journal. There is a reason for this and to be honest it’s because I’ve felt I haven’t had anything to say beyond documenting the thoughts in my brain for personal use. Journaling has been very useful and forcing myself to commit to actually doing it daily is working wonders for my ability to stick with things as well as reflect on the day that has come to an end. I journal before bed each day to ensure that the post is a summary of the day and with each post I’ve become more and more honest with myself about how I actually felt during the given day, what my honest thoughts and feelings where. When I first started my posts were generic summaries that had no real substance, no ‘body’ so to speak, they were, for want of a better word. Trash.

I’ve learnt the power of journaling but what has it actually taught me?

Well, to start I’m currently in the US on a post business trip holiday, a solo road trip of California. This is the trip I wanted to do to celebrate my 30th birthday earlier this year and it’s come to fruition (a little late but who’s counting). My plans were formulated based on my original trip notes of flying into San Francisco and then over the course of two weeks driving down to San Diego via Yosemite, Santa Barbara, San Luis Ospino and Los Angeles visiting all the touristy hotspots in each location. I love travelling solo as it always teaches you something about yourself and ‘they’ the travel gods agree if you read articles across the web. Despite the cynicism, I do find this to be the truth from personal experience. Solo travel has taught me to confront fears generally and especially when not in a group situation like say a on a tour. Travelling solo is to spend an inordinate amount of time on your own which inevitably means, depending on what kind of person you are, the time is spent reflecting, worrying, pushing yourself or just living in the moment. Interestingly it also seems to follow the blurry lines between introverts & extroverts with the former relishing it and the latter hating it and seeking the comfort of groups (I’ve found generally that extroverts gravitate towards tour group style travelling scenarios whereas introverts are more than happy to travel solo). In my own personal case being on the ambiverted side I’ve opted to stay in hostels to meet new people as well as enjoy the time spent alone in each of my stop off cities and the time spent on the road between destinations. It’s the best of both worlds, time with music, podcasts and some evenings spent with books as well as evenings spent debating, learning and meeting new people.

What’s so far been crucial for me during this trip though has been the slow realisations I’ve come to through the slow emptying of my mind. I’m a very reflective person who thrives on learning new things and for a long while now I’ve been focused on my personal development. A lot of this has been to find something intellectually stimulating following the completion of my masters degree last year. Looking inward following the completion of that and the subsequent dismantling of my previous relationship was the natural course of action for me to be able to continue to grow as well as move on and find a new challenge. What has surprised me though is the extent of the challenge I’ve found within myself during the past ten months. It’s been a slow march towards finding clarity throughout my life and travel has facilitated that to a certain degree, along with becoming more competent (and inspired) at work.

Where I have been struggling though is an area where in all honesty I’ve struggled for a while and an area that I’ve been reflecting on during much of this trip through the south western coast of the United States.

The area of relationships…

My journal in this instance has been invaluable to helping me reflect on the issue I seem to have with being single. Despite going into counselling to understand and deal with my past relationship and break up (which I now have thanks to the guidance there) I can’t seem to break the need to be with someone.

I’ve been on and off dating apps for the last 9 months and dated one person seriously in that time. Interestingly it didn’t work out and during this week I’ve been able to come to the conclusion of why and process it much more effectively than I did at home over the last couple of months. However, I still have struggled with the need and the why related to that need. Although I’m completely committed to developing myself and pushing towards my new mission and goals I’m failing in one of the areas that is critical to positive mental health and stability.

I had a mild epiphany earlier today when journaling whilst looking out onto Hollywood boulevard as people streamed by looking at the stars on the walk of fame. Clearly my subconscious had been working overtime behind the locked door in my brain to figure this out. Whilst here in the US I’ve used my phone for very few things, namely maps, web research and checking personal emails. However one crucial thing I’ve not been able to stop doing is checking my online dating profile for matches and messages every day. Writing in my journal today I realised that it was bothering me, the need to be needed, the need to be wanted, desired and the need to be close to building a relationship.

Throughout my time being single so far I’ve constantly told myself that I need to be single for a long time in order to help figure myself out. I know I’m a complex person and in fact already know what I’m looking for in someone else but in order not to do what I’ve done in the past and settle for something that isn’t, well ‘that’ I really do need to figure some things out about myself. Namely where my confidence outside of work and sport has gone and why the self confidence I have in my role at work and my role in sports teams can’t translate across to my love life.

Unfortunately this isn’t something a simple Bing search can fix, nor the plethora of articles on confidence, self help, relationships or love here on Medium can do either. In fact, the lack of cover on this topic led me to writing this post. This post is a first step in working out the problem, that on admittance of the issue. Maybe I’m a relationship addict and there are intimacy issues I need to uncover and then address, maybe I just to need to spend more time single and figure myself out more. Maybe I just need stronger will.

The answer I’ve come to in my journal so far is all of the those but I’d appreciate any wise words if you feel like commenting or clicking the heart below.

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Technophile, Audiophile & Adrenaline Junkie. Believer in ‘Think Different’

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