Be the Partner You Seek: Partnership Principle #2

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Hey! Thanks for reading. :-) The purpose of this short series is for you to:
- Learn some principles for finding and growing fulfilling partnership, and
- Get a taste of Give Yourself to Love (my upcoming 90-day online course).
In this article, we’ll look at:
- The shift from “looking for your partner” to “being the person your partner is looking for.”
- What it means to become more interested in what you contribute than what you receive.
- How you can benefit from approaching partnership this way — and what it costs you not to.
- How to put this into practice.
OK, let’s take a look.
Being the person your partner is looking for
At the heart of it, this principle invites us to shift from “What can I get?” to “What can I give?”
Coming from the perspective of “What can I get” is 100% natural and normal.
But it ultimately isn’t satisfying.
When we’re seeking partnership, we naturally ask: “How do I find the partner I’m looking for?”
And when we’re in partnership, we naturally ask: “How can I get my needs met?”
And this gets us into all sorts of trouble. :-)
When we are in this “What can I get” mindset, we:
- Waste time waiting impatiently for others to meet our needs.
- Show up as graspy, desperate, and needy.
- Get easily frustrated by how hard it is to get what we want.
I’m not saying ignore your needs — I’m talking about those times we use our own preferences, opinions, and oh-so-precious points of view as an excuse for our own lackluster behavior. (Guilty as charged — I wish I could count the times I’ve been seduced by this self-centered way of thinking!)
But when you gently shift your focus from getting your needs met to contributing to others, you naturally “show up” as someone your potential (or actual) partner wants to be around.
AND, you naturally begin to enjoy your life and have more fun! Why? Because “being the person your partner is looking for” involves interacting with the world in a way you love!
I learned this first-hand…
After ending a long-term relationship, I was ready and waiting over two years to find my life partner.
And by “ready,” I mean… impatiently waiting, desperately hoping, and growing more resigned by the day. 😛
I’d basically become obsessed with the fact that I hadn’t found my partner yet… and it took the wisdom and support from a few mentors for me to realize that, if my future life partner were to bump in to that very day, I’d hardly be ready to meet them!
I was desperate, grasping, clinging… I wasn’t being the partner I’d want my future partner to meet.
As soon as I realized this, I stopped just “praying” and “hoping,” and started shifting the way I saw myself, others, and the world.
I started standing up straighter, walking with more of a strut in my step, and moving through my daily life as the person I’d want my future partner to meet.
And then it happened.
Now this is one of those “how-do-you-explain-that” kind of moments, and it definitely doesn’t have to happen this way…
…But only a few months later, I met Kelly, my future life partner and wife — and we quickly fell in love.
In our first few weeks together, Kelly told me that, a few months prior to our meeting, she’d started taking herself through a fun, self-designed experience she called “dating herself” — which had the same effect of turning her attention away from “finding” a partner and onto “being” a partner!
This principle is just as relevant in partnership!
Now that Kelly and I having been together for many years, I can confirm that “Being the Partner You Seek” remains just as relevant — if not more so.
The moments in our relationship in which I personally experience the most disharmony or frustration, are the moments when I’m not practicing this principle.
And the moments that are most satisfying — the fun moments, the memorable moments, or even the moments of reconciliation after conflict — are those in which I take my attention off my pettiness and my self-centeredness, and put it on contributing to this incredible human being in front of me.
Have I “mastered” this principle yet? Nope! :-) But knowing it gives me a roadmap to fulfillment.
“What can I get” thinking: The swing of the pendulum
When you focus on a “What can I get” mindset, your experience swings like a pendulum:
- You view others as an object of either pleasure or displeasure, depending on whether you happen to like what they’re doing at that moment.
- You view yourself as either unworthy of love or entitled to it, bringing up feelings of guilt or indignation.
- Your behavior is easily swayed by the circumstance, and you tend to either act out your greatest fears, or put on a pretense to avoid them.
- And, of course, others pick up on your fear or pretense, and react in kind.
“What can I give” thinking: Love in action
When you focus on a “What can I give” mindset, your entire experience shifts:
- You view others as contributing to you, and you naturally seek the opportunity to contribute to them.
- You become thoroughly uninterested in your own doubts and dilemmas, because you are too occupied with gratitude for the privilege to give to others.
- Your behavior becomes steady, unconditional, and a reflection of your values — an immensely satisfying experience.
- And, of course, others react in kind to your generosity of spirit.
So here’s how to put this into practice:
OK, so here is an easy way to put this into practice right now — whether you are seeking or in partnership.
Ask yourself:
1. What qualities describe the person I’d want my partner to be with?
For example, are they generous? Adventurous? Kind-hearted? Vulnerable? Playful? Courageous?
2. What would someone with those qualities do next, from where I am?
For example, you might:
- Take yourself to the movies…
- Say “Yes” to that social event you’d been going back and forth about…
- Go on that solo camping trip…
- Call your old friend you’d lost touch with…
- Or even take your sweetie to their favorite restaurant.
You know that little “voice of wisdom” you can sometimes hear when you get really quiet?
Just listen now for what that voice is saying.
And promise one small, sweet step you are willing to take — in the next 1–7 days.
Let me know what you think!
Enjoy this? Check out Give Yourself to Love, my 90-day online course!
