Partnership Principle #1: Envision True Partnership

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Hey! Thanks for reading. :-) The purpose of this short series is for you to:
- Learn some principles for finding and growing fulfilling partnership, and
- Get a taste of Give Yourself to Love (my upcoming 90-day online course).
In this article, we’ll look at:
- What it means to “get out of love’s way” — and why it matters.
- What I see to be the key to your own ongoing personal transformation, both in seeking and being in partnership.
- A practical step you can take immediately and daily to put this into motion.
Along the way, I’ll share some personal (and sometimes vulnerable) stories to illustrate the point.
OK, let’s do this!
What does it mean to “get out of love’s way?”
For me, the most beautiful explanation of this principle comes from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran:
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
… But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
Whew!
“He sifts you to free you from your husks…. He grinds you… he kneads you until you are pliant…”
What does all this sound like to you?
You might be saying “torture”…
…But the answer I’m looking for is purification! :-)
Love is like the music for which you are the instrument.
Love calls upon you be like a pure vessel, through which it can travel unobstructed.
Because “love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.”
In other words: Love wants to happen! Get the hell out of its way!
In order to do so, you must undergo a transformation: A lasting shift from one form to another.
I’ve learned this — and am still learning it! — firsthand.
I am blessed to be with my wife and life partner, Kelly, who is absolutely dedicated to her continued growth and mine.
I remember a very important moment, early on in our relationship.
On this particular day, we’d had a fight on the bus ride to visit her parents in Connecticut.
I don’t remember the particulars anymore (surprise, surprise! I guess it wasn’t as important as I thought at the time… LOL!) — but, generally, I remember reacting in a very self-centered way.
Now, I’ve had a temper and a tendency toward being dramatic for my whole life… but honestly, this interaction took me aback. I barely recognized the callous person I had been to her on that bus.
I felt horrible.
So, we were sitting on the grass in her parents’ backyard, having a private moment together to talk about what happened.
We apologized… I remember looking down at the ground a lot, ashamed of my behavior…
But as we talked, we saw that it was precisely our love for each other that “raised the stakes” during our interaction — and our trust in each other, that led us to act in ways we wouldn’t otherwise dare.
Now, at this point in our relationship, we weren’t yet married but we were clear we wanted to spend our lives together.
But right there and then in that moment, sitting on the grass in her parents’ backyard, I saw at a new level what it really meant to say “Yes” to being a life partner.
I told her I was willing to do whatever it takes to transform myself, for the sake of our partnership.
I didn’t know how I would do it… I doubted whether I was really even capable of doing it… and yet nevertheless I was willing.
Because that’s what love was calling on me to do.
Fast-forward years later, and we are happily married. While I’m very much still a work in progress (just ask Kelly!), our partnership has truly shaped me into more of the person I want to be.
I’m proud to say I’m a lot more consistently caring, thoughtful, and focused on other people’s well-being and needs (instead of just my own! LOL).
I much more consistently act these days like the person I’ve always wanted to be… and, on some level, the person I truly am.
(Remember: Love “sifts you to free you from your husks.”)
What I’ve learned is that, for the sake of love, transformation is absolutely possible — even if it’s not always comfortable.
So how do you start?
Your transformation starts with being willing.
As my dear friend and teacher, Maria Nemeth, PhD so beautifully puts it:
To be willing is the capacity to say “Yes” to your hero’s path.
You may not “want” to… you may not “know how” to… you may not “think you can”… and yet nevertheless, you are willing.
Being willing is your fundamental superpower — and you can call upon it at any moment.
Here’s a really easy way to do it.
Try this exercise right now:
1) Say outloud: “I am going to create the partnership I’m excited to come home to.”
OK… what do you hear your mind saying?
If you’re anything like me, it’s some version of: “NO YOU’RE NOT!!! IT WON’T WORK!”
2) Now say outloud: “I am willing to create the partnership I’m excited to come home to.”
Now what do you experience?
If you’re like me, there may still be some nervousness, perhaps some excitement… but you may also notice a steadiness, like the calming of the waves.
You may even notice some creative thinking, some curiosity, some possibility, entering your view.
Because the truth is, to be willing is simply what’s true. It doesn’t depend on how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, what anyone else is doing, or any other external circumstances.
Before you can do things differently, you must see things differently.
How you see things fundamentally and automatically informs your behavior.
(For a simple example of this phenomenon: Imagine your favorite food… are you salivating yet?)
Therefore, getting out of love’s way starts with shifting your way of seeing love.
Our “Lens of Limitation” is our greatest barrier to love.
Your “Lens of Limitation” is comprised of all the self-limiting inner dialogues you entertain about life.
I don’t know about you, but I walk around with all kinds of self-limiting inner dialogues about everything… and love and partnership have been no exception.
Having coached a lot of folks in this area, I can attest that this is so natural and normal for all of us.
Some common self-limiting inner dialogues I’ve heard others share (and in my own head):
“I have to take care of myself because no one else will.”
“It’s really not possible to have the relationship I want.”
“All the good ones are taken.”
“Partnership doesn’t last.”
“I’ll never find anyone and I’ll be alone.”
“I’ll only find someone who will hurt me.”
When you operate from the “Lens of Limitation,” you:
- Miss opportunities for love that are all around you — whether we’re seeking or already in partnership.
- Repeat the same ineffective behaviors over and over again, expecting a different result.
- Experience frustration, resignation, and cynicism — passing more and more into what Kahlil Gibran’s Prophet called “the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
When you instead are willing to operate from your “Lens of Possibility,” you:
- Let go of past experiences with more ease and grace.
- Become more present to the opportunities for love that are right there in front of you.
- Seek out new opportunities to create and express love.
I know for me, months before meeting my now-wife, I had an “aha” moment — I realized I’d been walking around with the inner dialogue: “Love and partnership is for other people but not for me.”
It was a cynical thought, and my actions reflected that cynicism. When it came to love, I was generally discouraged, downtrodden, and not really open to any opportunities.
As soon as I shifted my view, I started engaging life differently. I started walking taller, smiling more to people on the street, taking more time in nature to reflect, and saying “Yes” to seemingly random opportunities… like being invited to the conference where I met my wife. :-)
“In order to hear Love’s words, you must allow Love to approach.”
- Paulo Coelho
Here’s an easy way to put this into practice starting now:
When it comes to love and partnership, would it interest you to operate out of your “Lens of Possibility” — say, 10% more often?
If so, take a moment to reflect now:
- If I were listening to some self-limiting inner dialogue about love and partnership, what might it be?
- If I were more focused on possibility, what might I be doing differently?
- What is one small, sweet step I am willing to take to demonstrate this?
Thanks for reading!! What’s next?
Phew, this was a meaty one! Congratulations on reading through to the end.
“Getting out of love’s way” and being willing to transform for the sake of love is, almost by definition, a bit uncomfortable at times — because it involves going past where you’ve gone before.
And, it never ends! :-)
As life circumstances shift and new challenges arise, you can count on your “Lens of Limitation” to generate all sorts of new and very convincing-sounding arguments for “WHY IT WON’T WORK.”
But ultimately, I say that it is so, so worth it to be on this lifelong journey — and I feel grateful to be on it alongside you.
Next up, we’ll look at Pillar #4: How to Set Up Your Life for Love.
Let me know what you think!
With love,
Zo
Enjoy this? Check out Give Yourself to Love, my 90-day online course!
