We STILL need to talk about bi-phobia

Bisexual people account for the majority of the LGBT community, but have bad representation in the media. We’re greedy, promiscuous, confused, in a “layover on the way to Gaytown” (thanks, Carrie Bradshaw). So why is bisexuality still only seen as a fetish or a phase?

A few years ago, I came out to my boyfriend of the time. It was difficult for me; he was only the second person I’d told. It took me a long time to get the words out properly — I was nervous and didn’t really know how to express my sexuality to a male partner.

As it turned out, I was right to be scared. He told me that it wasn’t a thing and I was just another girl who wanted to experiment. We never talked about it again. In all likelihood he has forgotten that this exchange ever happened, but it stuck with me. It took me a while after we broke up to talk about bisexuality openly.

I told this story to a guy I met at Brighton Pride in the summer of 2015. He was from Dublin and full of joy in the wake of the marriage referendum. We hugged and I cried for about 5 seconds and then we went back to dancing to Don’t You Want Me by The Human League (live, nbd, don’t even worry about it).

Now, I no longer feel the need to “come out” to friends. A pending date with a woman would come up in conversation in the same way as it would were it with a man. I’m thankful for my liberal and informed friends, but being liberal and informed doesn’t always equate with being accepting of bisexuality.

I was on my first date with Jane (she’s not really called Jane but let’s call her Jane) when two men approached us. We were out at a wine bar in the centre of London and had only been speaking for about an hour before they plonked themselves down at our table and started hitting on us. They were seemingly two pleasant, intelligent and successful individuals. We politely made it clear that we were on a date and would like to be alone, please. This elicited a number of reactions:

“But…how? You’re both attractive.”

“You’re just trying to get us to leave.”

(This is a whole other kettle of fish that I don’t have time to get into right now. I will say this: the reason women do this is past experience of ‘no, thank you’ not being respected as response. Even if we were just doing it to get you to leave, LEAVE. Why hang around when you’re not wanted? Anyway back to…)

“How does that work? Which one of you is the guy?”

“No, I mean, which one is the dominant one in the relationship?”

“You’re just saying you’re bi because it’s hot.”

This situation will ring true for a lot of queer women, not just bisexual ones, and says just as much about the attitudes of entitled and misogynistic males towards females in general as it does about attitudes towards LGBT women. Jane said that this happens on almost every date she goes on.

I can’t even begin to pick apart all of that — it would take another 1000 words at least. I’m glad to say that (almost) every male friend I’ve told this to has been outraged.

But this last bit is what I want to focus on: “You’re only saying you’re bisexual because men will find you more attractive.”

Unfortunately, the “attention seeking” response is a reaction seen from men and women, straight and queer. If coming out as gay is viewed as an expression of strength in individual identity (and rightly so), why is the same action by a bisexual person a plea for attention?

GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) release a yearly report entitled Where We Are on TV, in which LGBT representation in the media is broken down and analysed. In their most recent report, they found that, while representations have risen since the previous year, bisexual characters are still depicted as untrustworthy, lacking a moral compass and use sex as a means of manipulation.

GLAAD senior strategist and bisexual advocate Alexandra Bolles says: “Television needs to include a wider variety of bisexual+ (including pansexual, fluid, and queer) characters. Of course, villains and antiheros may happen to be bisexual, but bi characters are rarely given opportunities to also be heroes and multidimensional people living their everyday lives.

“Too often, creators overwhelmingly choose to portray bisexuality as a villainous trait rather than a lived identity. This trend of inaccurate portrayals undermines how people understand bisexuality, which has real life consequences for bi people and their wellbeing.”

Journalist Owen Duffy, who wrote Guardian article Popular culture is still afraid of bisexuality, says: “Too many men view bisexual women as exotic, sexually available and potentially up for a threesome. The concept of male bisexuality, on the other hand, seems to provoke a degree of disgust and denial in some people who are uncomfortable with a non-binary concept of male sexuality.”

The fact that such a small percentage of screen time in US television goes to bisexual males is still a huge concern. The same problem exists in the UK, and although shows like Cucumber and Banana go a little way towards taking on the issue, it’s very difficult to pick out any bisexual male characters.

By 2017, we have come maybe not a long way but a bit of a way from The L Word’s bisexual characters being viewed as watered down lesbians, dating inappropriate people until they see the light. Or Sex and the City’s so-called “liberal” Carrie being disgusted by the revelation a man she’s dating is bi. Actually, this minute long conversation manages to cover how it makes him greedy, hot, experimenting, confused, unable to pick a side — pretty much every trope out there.

There are now mainstream shows in the such as Grey’s Anatomy, The 100 and New Girl, the last of which introduced a bisexual character in the form of Megan Fox’s Reagan, who is already “out” when she’s introduced. Not only does Reagan’s sexuality not function as a plot point, but also there is no question of her identifying in this way. She states out loud that she is bisexual and that’s that. No fanfares, no erasure.

To most people, this detail will seem unimportant. But for a young woman told by a straight man that her attraction to other women is an attention-seeking act to make guys like her, normalising bisexuality in mainstream media is important.

It’s no coincidence that, among sexual identity groups, bisexual people have the highest level of mental health issues (as found by The Open University’s Bisexuality Report).

I guarantee that, of the people reading this or seeing the headline and deciding not to click on the link because of it, there will be someone thinking: “here’s another girl whining about a non-issue.”

You just proved my point.