Hairless monkeys in magic underwear — Mormon temples

You may or may not know that the Mormon church pays millions and millions each year to put their fancy, lavish temples in various places around the planet. It’s estimated that some of these things cost up to 50 million US dollars. They have built them everywhere from Hong Kong to Brazil. The state of Utah as at least ten, probably more. I honestly don’t keep track. Mormons think that these temples being built all around the planet is a sure fire sign that the Mormon church is God’s true church. But Mormon’s think everything indicates that the Mormon church is true. Tens of thousands of Ex-Mormons that say it’s a cult is a sure fire sign, in their eyes, that the church is God’s true church. The lack of prophecy from the so called Mormon prophets is a sure fire sign that the church is God’s true church. And their temple’s inside and out are proof positive, to Mormons that this is God’s true church. So what actually goes on inside these temples? Gather round children. Let me tell you a tale.

When I, Zorbak, was a child, I was always told by my parents and all the other Mormons about the wonderful things that happen inside the temple. See, they don’t really tell you what actually happens in there, it’s strictly forbidden. True believing Mormons, or TBM’s as they are known in the ex-Mormon community, will tell you that what happens in there is sacred when in actuality, it’s extremely creepy and cultish. Back to my tale: When I was young my parents used to skip out from time to time to attend the temple, telling me that one day I would go there. My parents generally seemed like pretty average people for the most part. They were religious and conservative but pretty regular people. When I did go to the temple with them for the first time at the tender age of 19, my world got dumped on it’s head.

In horrified fascination, I watched my “normal” and “regular” parents put on weird robes and headwear. They wore green aprons around their waists. They stood in circles around an alter while they chanted. They spoke in unison with the other people in the room. They gave secret handshakes back and forth to people conducting the ceremony. And then it was all over, I went into the next room where all the other Mormons in their robes are standing and sitting around to find my parents waiting there for me. My dad especially seemed happy and excited, he had a big smile on his face. “Pretty great right?!” He said something to this effect, he was excited, he thought this cult ceremony was pretty neato. Pardon my French but I was freaked the fuck out. Every ounce of me wanted to run out of there screaming. There are several creepy and cultish ceremonies in the temple. You can watch them on youtube if you’re curious. While they are creepy and cultish, they are also long, boring and tedious. Grouchy old people run them. But this creepy, cultish ceremony freaked me out the most.

It’s called the endowment. It’s long. You watch a weird, boring film about Adam and Eve. You put on weird clothes. You chant in unison. You learn secret handshakes. Here’s where I think it gets really really crazy. TBM’s believe that these are the secret handshakes that will get you into the highest level of heaven. Let’s break this down. TBM’s basically believe that God is literally watching and recording everything you do in thought, word and deed. Mormons are even shamed for having certain types of thoughts. Even when you spend your entire life doing everything the church requires. Going to three hours of church every week, paying ten percent of all your money to the church, doing church jobs that require extra time each week is just the beginning. You can’t watch R rated movies, drink coffee or think about sex. You have to pray pretty much all the time, read your scriptures almost constantly and, of course, go to the temple often. Even if you do all this stuff, you have to learn secret handshakes if you want to get into heaven. Like Jesus is going to be waiting there and be like “yeah, you were a really good person, and you jumped through ALL the hoops you were supposed to, good job. Now I just need the secret handshakes and you’re in. What?! You don’t have them?! See you in hell!!!”

The absurdity of it is hilarious, I still get a good chuckle out of this line of thinking. I think more TBM’s would realize how crazy this thinking is except that Mormon’s won’t discuss the temple openly, ever. They won’t do it so don’t even try. #notacult

When you go to the temple for the first time, this is when you start wearing your magic underwear. In case you don’t know, Mormons wear a special kind of under pants that they believe are special and sacred. They tell you that the magic underwear will protect you from all kinds of things but as it turns out, it only protects you from having sex; they are a major turn off. There’s a story that floats around in Mormonism about a guy that got caught up in a boat fire and was burned everywhere except where his magic underwear was. I actually believe this one since any layer of clothing will get in the way of fire, magical or otherwise. But if you’re a Mormon this is proof that your magic underwear is really magical.

When you go to a Mormon temple, they give you a new name. I had gotten wind of this long before I went to the temple and asked my mother about this who patiently confirmed this and quickly changed the subject. (Seriously, they won’t talk about what goes on in there, it’s creepy.) I was hoping to get a really cool name, you know, like ‘Zorbak.’ I was quite disappointed, I think I got a pretty regular name like ‘Dan’ or ‘Gary.’ As it turns out, whatever day of the week it is that you attend for the first time that’s whatever name everybody gets so if you forget that your new name is Gary then you can ask them to magically remember your name. When in actuality they just look on a computer and if you went the first time on a Thursday then they know your name is Gary. I ditched Gary and went with Zorbak instead, it’s much cooler.

I recently learned that in 1990 the Mormon church quietly eliminated a very creepy part of their creepy, culty endowment ceremony. Apparently, anyone that went through the creepy endowment ritual before 1990 had to promise that if they ever spilled the beans about what happens in the temple they agreed to have their throats cut and their guts spilled. They signaled this agreement by running their thumb across their throat and their belly and it included a healthy peppering of chanting. #notacult

Young Mormons won’t believe me. They will say this isn’t true. I would ask them, dare them, challenge them to go to their parents, their aunts and uncles, their grandparents; you know the old Mormons they know and ask them if this accurate. The wide eyed glossy look that takes over their faces will tell the truth.

After all of this, there’s one more thing that really bugs me about Mormons and their temples. Like I said before, they put these lavish, over priced houses of worship all around the globe including in third world countries. You know, where people struggle to find enough food each day, where they live in dirt huts, where they often don’t have access to clean drinking water. And the Mormons drop a 50 million dollar building right next to the shanty town? What kind of messed up, rich white people shit is that?! Seriously?! Mormons expect you to believe that Jesus, the homeless guy that wandered around and improved the self-esteem of prostitutes wants a 50 million dollar building thrown up when that 50 million dollars could easily solve the food and water problem.

Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.