The First Step to Being Single On Valentine’s Day is Accepting You’re Bitter

Alright single people, it’s time that we admit something: we’re bitter. Maybe not every day, but Valentine’s Day? God, yes. It’s true; when we go online and get bombarded with happy couples doing sickeningly thoughtful things for each other on Valentine’s Day, we get envious. Some more than others, but we all get it. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t, dammit. The fact that Valentine’s Day is a shameless corporate-manufactured holiday doesn’t make it any better, either. If anything, it makes it worse! For crying out loud, you mean I can be completely understanding of how the history of this whole day is bullshit, but my brain is still too stupid to reject the tears coming down my face right now? You mean to tell me that this is the limits of this so-called wondrous object in our skulls that scientists are currently breaking their backs researching just to understand? What a load of malarkey. Yes, malarkey, dammit.

We try to make it better by poking fun at ourselves with jokes like “Singles Awareness Day” because we’re masochists. At the end of Valentine’s Day, we’ll triumphantly check our wallets and try to convince ourselves that everyone else is a sucker because of how much they paid. Then we’ll realize that we’re in debt like everyone else anyways, so all we’re really doing is comparing whose shackles are more comfy.

We will try to look on the bright side and say that being single gives us the chance to “improve” ourselves or “grow”. Whatever that means. We’ll start to feel a little more confident in our internal debate when we try recalling every toxic couple we’ve seen in the past and sigh a breath of relief at dodging that bullet. Our reinvigorated self-esteem is short-lived, however, as it crumbles like a house of cards when we later stare at a bathroom mirror for twenty minutes and seriously question if we’re ugly.

The worst part is, when we finally get to the final stage of acceptance of our bitterness, all these damn taken people won’t even let us do that! All we want is to wallow in our misery like Peter Parker in that old Spiderman 3 poster, but no! On Valentine’s Day, every taken person sees themselves as the goddamn Avengers and us single people as a baby in a burning building. They always feel the need to swoop in and save us with painfully cliche proverbs like, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it”, or “You need to learn to love yourself first”. Oh, so you’re asking me to become a narcissist, are you? All that pales in comparison to when they try feigning empathy with, “I know how you feel, I’ve been there.” What, you’ve been there, you say? Well, I’m STILL there, dammit. And I’m stuck there like Bruce Wayne with a broken back in the bottom of that god forsaken pit. Will I learn to learn to use my fear of dying single to take that leap of faith and finally talk to a girl? HELL NO. In my movie, Gotham burns to the ground. To all you damn taken people who try to save us: in a just world, the Avengers would’ve gotten battered to bits by Ultron. At least that would’ve spared us of having to see that ridiculously awkward romance between the Hulk and Black Widow (seriously…what the hell was that).

This is…worse than the day I found out Mary Jane’s hair color wasn’t natural.