I went to work out and felt guilty about what I wrote the whole time. In hindsight, what I have been saying lately has been coming from a place of my own depression due to recent personal failures and it’s pissing me off to the nth degree because it steals my coherent thought and my voice. It makes any gentleness I am capable of occur with much less frequency. Truthfully, there’s not a lot of gentleness here to start with.
If it makes you feel any better, I did finally figure out why people seem to be nicer to me now that my hair is lighter. One of my more brutally honest friends told me that I now look less like a witch because I no longer have black hair. I have a very pointy chin. I wish I was joking and that this wasn’t true. (Please laugh at that and make me feel like less of an a$$hole.)
So, please don’t take the mirror too seriously right now. It is not showing you the truth or even the whole picture. We are all our own worst critics at every stage of life. I can’t remember who told me this — never forget that your own view of yourself has always been very, very skewed. First of all you can only ever see yourself from the very small field created by your own eyeballs and your reflection in a mirror. Our vision of ourselves is always from eye-level. Of course, we are capable of seeing the other sides of ourselves in 2 dimensions thanks to pictures, but that’s also not an accurate portrayal either. Truly we can never really get to see ourselves as others see us.
Think about someone else in your life that you really care about and picture them. It’s about more than just who they are physically, right? When I think of the people who are important to me, it’s not their outsides that I picture; it’s what they mean to me. Ask someone else how they see you, it may help you to get out of your head. (Please ask an adult though — you may not like the answers of a child or teen at the moment.)
I am very lucky in that I get to work with some very interesting research doctors and scientists. For a few years now they have been telling me that very soon strides will be made in human health that will allow people to live a lot longer and to extend midlife through those years that used to be considered all about disease and decline. The trick however is to keep physically active and constantly challenge your brain by learning new things. I promise that it’s not all downhill from here. It’s only hopeless if you believe that it is. Please don’t give in to that train of thought.
I have always admired your take charge attitude in as far as your willingness to change things for yourself because you are the only person that you can control. It’s time to put that into practice and make the effort to find things that you can feel good about and be proud of. For me it’s crafting and getting regular exercise. Things can get better over time with a little effort and some faith in yourself.
I will shut up now.