No one Leaves

Un-offended

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts, 2011


Intro

With Daniel Tosh’s continuously questionable sexuality, it is easy to think that Tosh feels right at home at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in the heart of one of San Francisco’s most culture filled neighborhoods. Tosh makes his sexuality a mystery to all of his fans and critics by making jokes that make him sound highly hoosexual. So, being in San Francisco, which, as Tosh so elegantly puts it, has “the most butt-fucking per square foot,” he seems to be in the right place.

The scene opens up on a large crowd cheering, clapping and whistling. Blue lights line the walls of the venue, while white lights illuminate the stage. The stage is empty except for a lone bench and microphone stand sitting right in the middle. In the back of the stage, there are no lights, it is completely black, then lights flip on and you see Daniel Tosh standing right in the middle, hands up accepting his applause. He is dressed in dark grey slacks, with a light grey V-neck sweater atop a white button up. His outfit may seem like it is just something that he wanted to wear because it looked nice, but Tosh did put some thought into it. In his popular Comedy Central TV show Tosh.0, he wears a different wardrobe each season. In 2011 when this special first aired, Tosh was currently in season 3, or, the season of deep V’s. So Daniel stayed true to his seasonal wardrobe and wore a deep V to his stand-up special as well. Wasting no time, Tosh jumps right in to the jokes before the crowd even finishes their applause.

Daniel Tosh was originally born in West Germany, but grew up in Titusville Florida. His father was a preacher, which, as it did for me, comes as a shock to many people. Maybe this is where Tosh gets his non-PC style. Tosh’s style is one that makes fun of anything and everything. Many of his jokes come from dark subjects, as he says in a tweet apologizing about a rape joke that he made, Tosh says “The point I was making before I was heckled is there are awful things in the world but you can still make jokes about them.” That is the basic premise of Tosh’s standup routines; he makes light of many dark topics in life, never taking anything to seriously.

The style of comedy that Tosh displays earns him many fans that love his work, but it also brings on an equal amount of people who dislike him. He has extremely edgy, non-PC jokes that many comedians would never go near. He will readily make jokes about rape, abortion, religion, homosexuality and a number of other touchy subjects. Although he presents his material in such a manner that makes it seem light-hearted. He presents his jokes in such a sarcastic tone with a big smile on his face. This doesn’t fly with everyone though; there are many people who severely dislike the comedian. There was even a petition on change.org to “take Daniel Tosh off the air.” This petition never got the required amount of signatures, but it did still receive a staggering 37,000 signatures.

Daniel started his comedy career immediately after he graduated from college. He only ever had one real job in his lifetime, and that was a telemarketer. He eventually quit that and moved from Florida to Los Angeles, where his comedy career really started. Tosh took on small comedy roles, until he hit his big break and performed on the Late show with David letterman. Tosh had an interesting take on his comedy career. Early on in his career, Daniel made up the idea of his “Groundhog Day.” He calls it this because he is relating a comedy career to the movie. He says that he is “doing the same thing over and over and trying to get it more right each successive time.” So, Tosh made up his escape. He decided that by the time he was thirty-eight, if he had not yet become successful, he would either commit suicide or retire. To calculate whether or not he was successful, he put a poll on his website where people could vote on his status. The date eventually came, May 29, 2013 and the poll was in. Daniel Tosh was voted unanimously successful, so his life and his comedy career continued.

Apart from his stand-up comedy, Tosh also is the host of a popular television show on Comedy Central called Tosh.0., which is much like his stand-up routines. During his stand-up routines and his television show, he shows no remorse for hot button topics. Tosh’s comedy routine is playing on the idea, schadenfreude, which is the “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.” He will readily make jokes about rape, abortion, homosexuality, and other touchy subjects for people. Tosh finds jokes and joy in topics that most people cringe at the thought of, topics that have brought many people pain, suffering, and have even brought on protests, Tosh makes light of. Not only does he think these things are funny, but he even makes his audience laugh at the pain of others. Why is this? Why is Tosh able to simultaneously laugh at gruesome topics and make us laugh at them too? Maybe it is because he have never been through one of those horrible topics, or maybe he feels that if he is going to make fun of one thing he has to make fun of everything. Or it could quite possibbly be that Daniel Tosh has no soul. Either way, after sitting through one of his stand-up routines you will not only leave with a six-pack from laughing so much, but you will also have a distinct taste of disgust in your m out because of some of his jokes.

Happy Thoughts

*OPENING OF SCENE OF A BULLET SHOOTING THROUGH TOSH’S HEAD AND THEN SEEING EXPLOSIONS, DESTRUCTION AND POLICE RIOTS*

- THANK YOU… SAN FRANCISCO. ALL RIGHT, YOU’RE RUINING THE SHOW. [cheers and applause continue] THANK YOU… FOR CLAPPING FOR WHAT MY PARENTS ARE ASHAMED OF. OH, SAN FRANCISCO. YES. [cheers and applause] OH… MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY TO DO COMEDY IN. HUH? THAT’S NOT BAD, RIGHT? TOP TEN. CONGRATULATIONS. AW, MORE BUTTFUCKING PER SQUARE FOOT THAN IN ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD. THAT’S YOU GUYS. THAT’S YOU. [cheers and applause] PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS. “SAN FRANCISCO: “MORE BUTT-FUCKING PER SQUARE FOOT. MISS YOU.” ALL RIGHT. IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT, I APOLOGIZE. THAT’S NOT MY INTENTION. I’M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS. I CROSS MY OWN FROM TIME TO TIME. IT’S HOW I KNOW I STILL HAVE ONE. ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IN THIS COUNTRY EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY DON’T SERVE ON JURY DUTY. THAT’S HORSESHIT. IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND. THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY ON JURY DUTY. YEAH. [cheers and applause] THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE A JURY OF ONE’S OWN PEERS. [crowd groaning] [laughter and applause] IT’S NOT A STEREOTYPE IF IT’S ALWAYS TRUE. YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW. THAT JOKE IS CALLED “LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS.” THAT’S JUST THE TITLE. IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES BEFORE I WALK ON STAGE, MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY, “HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG.” THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED ON STAGE. SHE GOES, “HEY, YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT GETTING SHOT WHEN YOU’RE OUT THERE?” I’M LIKE, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH, “YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE.” UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS. [laughter and cheers] I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE? AS IF A SNIPER WOULD GET FRUSTRATED. LIKE..

(AIMS IMAGINARY RIFLE AND MOVES IT AROUND). “I CAN’T KEEP UP. HE LIVES.” (GIVES THUMBS UP)

A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY TO GO OUT AT NIGHT. I’VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT. AND I THINK IT’S BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE. SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG IT TAKES HER TO GET READY. THAT’S JUST LESS TIME I HAVE TO SPEND WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS PRETENDING THAT I DON’T WANT TO KILL MYSELF. YEAH. [cheers and applause] SHE’LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GET READY, COME DOWN AND BE LIKE, “OH, MY GOODNESS. YOU ARE SO PATIENT.” AND I’LL BE LIKE, “FOR WHAT? YOU LOOK DISGUSTING.” RIGHT? YEAH. NOW SHE’S CRYING. WHATEVER. I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME. YEAH. YEAH. IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME. SHE’S TEN YEARS YOUNGER. SHE’S ONE OPINION AWAY FROM BEING REPLACED. I CAN SAY THAT. I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW. YEAH. THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.

NOW, IF YOU’RE FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, YOU KNOW I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY. AM I USING THAT WEBSITE PROPERLY? SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SIT ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

*ACTING LIKE AN INTRIGUED AUDIENCE MEMBER* “WE’RE LISTENING.” IT’S NICE, RIGHT? YOU CAN TURN AROUND. YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

(MOVES AS THOUGH HE IS SITTING BACKWARDS ON THE TOILET) I’M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE. YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLAPPING RIGHT NOW, THEY’RE THE ONES LIKE, “OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE, “HE IS A GENIUS. “NO, NO, NO, NO. IT’S THE SIMPLICITY. “I’VE BEEN SITTING ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE. “YOU’RE TELLING ME I COULD TURN AROUND, “HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL, YEAH? “SET THE ALARM TEN MINUTES LATER. MULTITASK.” ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EAT WHILE ON THE TOILET. “BUT I’M LACTOSE INTOLERANT, AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS WITH WHOLE MILK.” THAT’S MORE OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL, BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM. SOMEBODY EMAILED ME, AND THEY’RE LIKE, “HEY, DIPSHIT—” WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE IF YOU EVER WANT ME TO READ YOUR EMAILS. OH, LET’S SEE WHA THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY. YOU HAD ME AT “HELLO.” THEY’RE LIKE, “YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR PANTS COMPLETELY OFF TO SIT ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?” [laughter] TOUCHE. ALL RIGHT, SO I DON’T RESEARCH. IT’S A PRE-SHOWER SHIT, AGREED? CAN WE MOVE ON, STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL? YOU EVER HAVE A POST-SHOWER SHIT? OH, MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK TO BED AND START YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER. THINGS ARE WRONG. THAT’S NOT THE ORDER OF EVENTS. THERE’S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX. THIS WORLD’S NOT REAL! MOOOOOOM! WIPE ME! [laughter and cheers]

I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING MY BALL HAIR. COME ON, LADIES. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR, YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR. SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE SEE MY BALLS, IT’S LIKE, “OH, MY GOODNESS. “THAT LOOKS REALLY, REALLY GOOD. ISN’T THAT DAMAGING TO THE HAIR?” AND I’M LIKE, “YEAH, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?” I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM WOULD KNOCK IT OFF WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS. I CAN’T KEEP UP. MY BALLS STILL HAVE THE ’06 POSH. REMEMBER THAT LITTLE TRENDY LITTLE CUT?

(SHOWS CRAWD WHAT HAIRDO LOOKED LIKE) POSH SPICE? LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES. OKAY? AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT? I DON’T KNOW WHO’S IN CHARGE OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD, BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN BEFORE ONE OF THEM’S OUT OF THEIR PRIME. CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER MAKING LOVE? OH. IF THERE’S A MAN IN HERE THAT’S JUNK DOESN’T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BIT AT THE THOUGHT OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER— THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBIC SEXUAL PREFERENCE. AT THAT LEVEL, IT’S ART, YOU MONKEY, OKAY? YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THAT YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM WITH THOSE GREEK GODS. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY HAD A CHILD? AHH THE F WAS THAT SIMBA? WHAT THE FUCK? WAS THAT SIMBA? THAT’S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID? THAT’S “PITTKHAM”? (PRONOUNCED ‘PIT-CUM’) THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. PICTURE BABY JESUS WITH BETTER ABS. THAT’S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY. IF THEY HAD A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE, THEY’D HIRE HIM TO WORK THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT? JUST STANDIN’ THERE SHIRTLESS, PROPPED UP. HE CAN’T STAND YET. JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL. BIG POSTER, BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF JUST STANDING IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS. AND YOU’D WALK IN, AND YOU’D BE LIKE, “I DON’T WANT TO SAY THIS, BUT I WANT TO FUCK THAT BABY.” OH, MAN! DO I WANT TO FUCK THAT BABY! IF I HAD THREE WISHES, TWO OF ‘EM WOULD BE TO FUCK THAT BABY AND ONE WOULD BE FOR MORE WISHES. “WELL, YOU CAN’T DO THAT.” THEN I WANT TO FUCK THE BABY A THIRD TIME. I WOULD LIKE TO USE ALL THREE WISHES BANGING THAT BABY. GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE, BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE THAT DOESN’T HAVE A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE. OH, I’D LOVE TO READ YOUR EMAIL. “I FELT YOU WENT OVER THE LINE A BIT, WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY WANTED TO FORNICATE WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD.” [laughter and applause] [cheers and applause]

- HEADS UP, MORMONS, THIS JOKE’S GONNA STING. [laughter] NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS FROM THE HEAVENS, GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN YOUR SPAM FILE. LET’S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ON A RELIGION THAT’S OLD ENOUGH FOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE, “OH, YEAH. THAT’S NOT TRUE. “UH, THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. “I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY’RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS UNDER THEIR CLOTHES. I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEM TO BE COMFY.” THE MORMON CHURCH SPENT $20 MILLION LAST YEAR IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA MAKING SURE QUEERS DIDN’T LEGALLY GET MARRIED— SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD. SO I GUESS WE’RE NOT AS LIBERAL AS WE ALL THOUGHT. AND THIS IS WHAT I SAY TO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON THAT’S SO TERRIFIED OF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL. JUST BECAUSE THE STATE SAYS IT’S LEGAL, IT’S NOT LIKE GOD’S GONNA LET ‘EM INTO HEAVEN. OKAY? SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUND EVERY NIGHT KNOWING THA GOAL LINE DEFENSE IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATES JUST GOING, “YEAH.

(GETS DOWN IN LINEMAN STANCE) [cheers and applause] YOU’RE NOT GETTING IN HERE, FAGOTS!” [grunts] [laughter and applause] DO YOU REMEMBER THE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN? IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL, UH, AND, UH, SHE’D BE LIKE, “MOMMY, “MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAID WHEN I GET OLDER I CAN MARRY A PRINCESS IF I WANT TO.” AND THEY’RE LIKE, “WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?” [laughter] AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA IS LIKE, “WHOA, WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO OUR KIDS? SORRY, QUEERS. NOPE.” YEAH. THAT’S ESPERANZA’S JOB. [cheers and applause] SO I WANNA HIRE THE SAME LITTLE GIRL TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR ME IN THE STATE OF UTAH, AND I WANT HER TO COME RUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE, “MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, HOW COME YOU’RE NINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?” YEAH. BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH, AND THIS DOESN’T ADD UP. “MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY—” SHE’S CALLING OU TO ALL OF HER MOTHERS. AND THEY START COMING OUT OF THE CABINETS IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE. COMPARED TO WHO, THE AMISH? AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH? [laughter] ARE THEY NOT A CONSTANT REMINDER OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE WITHOUT ALL THIS GREAT TECHNOLOGY? EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACK AND CONSERVE ON NATURAL RESOURCES, I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH AND I’M LIKE, “HO, HO, FUCK THAT. FILL IT UP. FILL IT UP.”

(MOTIONS LIKE HE HIS PUMPING GAS INTO HIS CAR) NO, NO. I’M NOT GONNA RIDE AROUND IN A BUGGY. IT’S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE A FOUR-CYLINDER. BUT I WOULD LIKE A FIRELESS FIREPLACE. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT, AMISH. APPARENTLY, YOU PARTNERED UP WITH THE WICCANS BECAUSE THAT IS MAGICAL. [laughter] YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY’S IN THE TOILET WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER. APPARENTLY, BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF. DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHA I’M EVEN TALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT? THE AMISH, THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE THAT DOESN’T PLUG IN. THERE’S NO FIRE, BUT IT’S PUMPING OUT HEAT. I ASSUME THERE’S A HAMSTER IN THERE LOSING HIS MIND. IT’S NO SNUGGIE, BUT IT’S A GREAT PRODUCT. YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT. HA, THE JOKE’S ON YOU. I ENJOY IT. [laughter] YEAH. UHUH. I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT. FINALLY, A BLANKE THAT’S LIKE, “NUH-UH, I’M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM.” [laughter] IT’S LIKE HAVING A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON. THE PERFECT PRESSURE. WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIF IS THAT’S ALL I RECEIVED, WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE, WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW I COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS. THOSE ARE $20 VALUES. WHERE THE HELL IS THE REST OF MY GIFT? YEAH. YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS, OR I’M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AND RIPPING 3/4 OF YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL. NOT BIG BEN. YEAH. BEN SHOULDN’T BE IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS TIM TEBOW MINUS JESUS

[laughter and applause]

SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS, UH, BRETT FAVRE — I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FIRST OF ALL DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX THE ECONOMY?

BECAUSE I CAN, IT’S VERY SIMPLE; HERE IS WHAT YOU GOTTA DO. YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO WORK VERY HARD YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND THEN DIE. AND IT’S THE LATTER THAT’S THE BIG PROBLEM NO ONE DIES. PEOPLE LIVE FOREVER; PEOPLE GET TO RETIRE AT 65. THAT WAS AN AGE THAT WAS SET WHEN PEOPLE WOULD DIE AT 66, 66 AND A HALF. PEOPLE LIVE FOREVER NOW AND OUR ECONOMY CAN’T AFFORD THAT
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD MY PARENTS ARE, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THEY SHOULD BE DEAD. AND TRUST ME THEY DON’T WANT TO BE ALIVE EITHER, THERE IS NOT A WELCOME MAT IN FRONT OF THEIR UNIT IN NAPLES FLORIDA, THERE IS A “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” SIGN NAILED TO THEIR DOOR. IM NOT MAKING THAT UP. YEAH, IF YOU KNOCK ON MY GRANDPARENTS DOOR AND YOU SEE ONE OF THEM LYING ON THE FLOOR, THE ONLY THING YOU ARE LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DO IS A FINISHING MOVE. HADOUKEN
(makes move like in Mortal Kombat game).
THAT WOULD BE MINE

BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR TO PLAY A GAME. “YEAH, I’M GONNA KEEP PLAYING.” “HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE.” “YOU SAID $12 MILLION, RIGHT? YEAH, THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES.” [laughter and applause] I WOULD NEVER QUIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS? HE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A STARTER, BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP IN THE NFL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS? ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION. “UH, YEP, I’M GONNA DO THAT.” HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS? NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP. BUT HE COULD BE ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS? ABOUT $850,000. “UH, YEP, I’M GONNA DO THAT AS WELL. I’LL PLAY FOREVER.” IT’D MAKE THE GAME MORE ENJOYABLE IF PEOPLE WEREN’T ALLOWED TO RETIRE. ATHLETES DON’T WANNA QUIT EITHER. SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD RETURN A PUNT, (MATIONS LIKE HE IS CATCHING A PUNT) LIKE, “OH…” HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES, HE DIES ON THE FIELD WITH SOME HONOR. YEAH. AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS. IT DOES. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY. BASEBALL’S A STRIKE AWAY FROM BEING SOCCER. YEAH. AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER, WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA. SEE, OUR COUNTRY ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT, SO WATCHING PEOPLE CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS TO END ZERO-ZERO IS NOT ENJOYABLE UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.

OR YOURE WATCHING THAT GIRL FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO, SHE SEEMS PRETTY COMPETITIVE.
YOU REMEMBER HER?
SHE WAS YANKNIG CHICKS DOWN BY THE HAIR,
KICKING PEOPLE IN THE PUSSY.
UH, I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT HER FATHER HAD
A BUNCH OF GAMLING DEBT AND EVERYTHING WAS RIDING
ON THAT GAME, AND SHE’S OUT THERE LIKE
‘IM DOING THIS FOR YOU PA.’
(MATIONS LIKE HE IS YANKING A PONY TAIL)
OR SHE REALLY HATES MORMONS,
ONE OR THE OTHER.
IM PRETTY SURE THEY WERE PLAYING BYU

[cheers and applause] BASEBALL. NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER. LET’S HIT THE BALL DEEP. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER. FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS, A BILLION DOUBLE “A” BOYS HAVE JUICED UP, SO THE PLAYING FIELD IS PLENTY EVEN. WE’LL PUT AN ASTERISK NEXT TO BARRY BONDS’ NAME, SURE, AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE NEXT TO BABE RUTH’S NAME. GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY? EXCUSE ME? WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK? WHY DON’T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT? [cheers and applause] OH. I’D LOVE TO KNOW HOW MANY HOMERS THE BABE WOULD HAVE HIT HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM 92 MILE AN HOUR SLIDERS YEAH. MAYBE THE FAT BOY WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN AND QUIT POINTING HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM 90 MILES TO THROW HIM A JUNK BALL. DON’T WORRY IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW. 90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA, JOSE’S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER, AND A JUNK BALL’S AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEP FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM, WHICH IS A JOKE. THE POINT IS THE RECORD BOOKS MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT HAD OUR COUNTRY NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS. THAT’S ALL. AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010, YOU’RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO SHIT ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS. WHY NOT? SCREW THEM. THEY WERE A BUNCH OF RACIST FUCKING PIGS WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS. I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE SIGNING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, THEY SHOT EACH OTHER A GLANCE. “ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. “YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. [laughs sarcastically] NOW GET ME SOME HOT COFFEE, BOY.” [laughter] OH… AT LEAST WE’RE NOT WOMEN, RIGHT, FELLAS? OH, JEEZ. WHAT IS THAT LIKE? IS IT HORRIBLE? IS IT AWFUL… TO KNOW YOU’RE NUMBER TWO? BY THE WAY, THESE AREN’T MY BELIEFS. IT’S MY OBSERVATIONS ON THE WORLD I LIVE IN. IF IT CHANGES, I’LL ADJUST THE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY. COOL. I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRY TO RATIONALIZE IT. “NO, IT’S GREAT BEING A WOMAN. FREE DRINKS IS WORTH NOT HAVING EQUALITY.” [laughter] LISTEN, YOU’RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY TO BE NUMBER TWO, BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA, IT’S CLOSE, RIGHT? MEN ARE HERE. WOMEN ARE HERE. SOME COUNTRIES, IT’S LIKE THIS AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.

(MOTIONS HIGH HAND FOR MEN, LOW HAND FOR WOMEN WITH CAT IN-BETWEEN)

HO-HO. THAT IS A BAD COUNTRY TO BE A WOMAN IN. DON’T GET LOST ON A HIKE THERE. YOU’LL END UP ON YOUTUBE WITHOUT A HEAD, AND THERE’S NO WEB REDEMPTION FOR THAT. [cheers and applause]

I DO THINK WE CAN BE A LITTLE LESS PC WHEN IT COMES TO SPORTS THOUGH.
JUST ONCE I WANT TO HEAR AN ANNOUNCER GO,
GOD BLACK PEOPLE ARE FAST.
HOLY COW, ALL OF THEM, THEY’RE FAST.
BACK TO YOU BOB.
WHY DON’T WE SAY THAT?
WE’RE ALL THE SAME SPECIES,
GOT IT, IF IM AT A HORSE TRACK AND I SEE THEM RAMMING A CLYDESDALE INTO GATE THREE,
UHHH IM NOT GOING TO PUT MY MONEY ON IT.
IM GUNNA BET ON THE THOUROGH BREAD,
PREFERABLY ONE FROM JAMAICA, THEY’VE GOT WHEELS.
I DON’T LIKE STEWART SCOTT ON SPORTS CENTER,
UH IF YOU DON’T KNOW HIM HE IS A BLACK MAN WHO GRADUATED FROM UNC WITH ALMOST PERFECT GRADES,
UH HE FEELS THAT HE HAS TO TALK HIP HOP FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL.
WHILE HE IS CALLING PLAYS HE WILL BE
LIKE BOO-YEAH.
EASY STEWART.
FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE MORE STREET CRED THAN YOU.
SECOND OF ALL I HAVE HD TELEVISION AND YOU HAVE ONE EYE.
YEAH, THAT’S GROSSING ME OUT.
IT’S 8 IN THE MORNING, IM EATING EGOS, I DON’T WANT TO SEE CYCLOPS STRUGGLING WITH THE TELEPROMPTER.
(CLOSES AN EYE AND PRETENDS TO READ A TELEPROMPTER)
BOO-YEAH.

TAKE THAT TO THE UK WHERE THEY EMBRACE UGLINESS ON TELEVISION, NOT HERE IN AMERICA YOU CIRCUS FREAK.
YEAH, NEXT TIME YOU CATCH PASSES ON THE SIDELINES, USE YOUR HANDS. DON’T LET IT COME TO THE BODY, YOU LEARN THAT IN POP WARNER.
I AM AWARE THAT I CAN END THE JOKE AT THE GOOD PART, I CHOOSE NOT TOO.

[cheers and applause] GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH RECENTLY AT A HIGH SCHOOL, AND THAT DIDN’T GO WELL AT ALL. A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOL KIDS, PARENTS THAT ARE PROUD OF THEM, AND I’M BELITTLING THE ENTIRE THING. AND THE ADMINISTRATION GOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME. THEY’RE LIKE, “OH, UH, WE DIDN’T KNOW YOU WEREN’T GONNA TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.” TO WHICH I REPLIED, “REALLY? YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHERE I WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS? HIGH SCHOOL, HOW DID YOU DO IT?” (SARCASTICALLY) [laughter] NO. I REFUSE TO GIVE THAT GENERIC SPEECH. “AS I LOOK OUT HERE, I SEE FUTURE LAWYERS AND DOCTORS.” I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH. “THERE’S FELONS HERE. [laughter] SOME OF YOU WILL DIE IN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT.” OH, I’M SORRY. EXPLAIN TO ME WHY A DOSE OF REALITY BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS A BAD THING, BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON’T NEED TO PANDER TO THE 1%. THEY DON’T NEED MY LITTLE PEP RALLY. THEY’RE GONNA BE JUST FINE. NOBODY’S BEEN A PILE OF SHIT THEIR ENTIRE LIFE AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND BECAUSE OF THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS. EXCUSE ME? NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED. “SO YOU’RE SAYING I CAN BE ANYTHING? “OH, YEAH, THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN “WHAT I WAS GONNA DO. I LIKE THIS GUY.” DON’T YOU LOVE I WHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE, “I’M A BAD TEST TAKER.” YOU MEAN, YOU’RE STUPID. [laughter] OH, YOU STRUGGLE WITH THAT PART WHERE WE FIND OUT WHAT YOU KNOW? OH. NO, NO, I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. SEE, BECAUSE I’M A BRILLIANT PAINTER MINUS MY GOD-AWFUL BRUSHSTROKES. OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECE IS CRYSTAL UP HERE, BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS, I DEVELOP PARKINSON’S. [laughter] I APOLOGIZE IF THERE’S A PARKINSON’S PAINTER HERE THIS EVENING. I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORK IS IN THE A.M. PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRAC BY NOON. [laughter] HANG IN THERE, IT GETS WORSE. [laughter and applause] YOU EVER HEAR THIS EXPRESSION? “THE WORST DAY OF FISHING IS BETTER THAN THE BEST DAY AT WORK.” UH, I’LL CALL B.S. [laughter] I’VE WATCHED THE DEADLIEST CATCH ON DISCOVERY. I’VE NEVER ONCE BEEN AT WORK, CAPSIZED INTO 40-DEGREE WATER, WATCHED ALL MY COWORKERS DIE AND BE LIKE, “HEY, AT LEAST WE’RE FUCKING FISHIN’.” HUH? AM I RIGHT, CRIMINALS? I MEAN, CREW?
YEAH, YOUR VALEDICTORIAN IS NOT ON THAT SHIP.
UNLESS OF COURSE HE JUST MURDERED HIS WIFE IN CANCUN
UH, THEN MAYBE, THEN MAYBE.

[applause]

DID CHRIS BROWN BEAT RIHANA, OR DID RIHANA GET TO CLOSE TO CHRIS WHILE CHRIS WAS DANCING?
I DON’T KNOW, I WASN’T THERE.
WHAT I DO KNOW FROM WATCHING CHRIS’S MUSIC VIDEOS OVER AND OVER, IS THAT THIS GUY LOVES TO JUMP UP AND DO A ROUND HOUSE KICK FOR NO REASON AT ALL, MAYBE HE WAS JUST STOMPING THE YARD.
AND ACCIDENTALLY CAUGHT SOME OF THAT HORRIBLE HAIR-DO. “THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.” IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE. [laughs] I MEAN, DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO BLACK AND WHITE IN THIS KINDERGARTEN COUNTRY OF OURS? “THERE’S NO EXCUSE.” WHAT IF YOU COME HOME FROM A LONG DAY AT WORK AND YOUR WIFE HAS DROWNED TWO OF YOUR KIDS? SHE’S ABOUT TO DUNK THE THIRD ONE. CAN YOU RUN OVER AND POP HER THEN? “UNFORTUNATELY, NO. THERE’S NO EXCUSE. GONNA HAVE TO LET HER DROWN THAT THIRD ONE.” WHAT IF YOU ASK HER TO DVR THE GAME, BUT SHE FORGETS TO RECORD THE HALF-HOUR SHOW AFTERWARDS JUST IN CASE IT GOES INTO OVERTIME? THE POINT IS THERE’S A GRAY AREA. YEAH. AND I’M PRETTY SURE MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MINE ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO. I ASKED HER TO RECORD THE GAME ON ESPN, WHICH SHE DID, BUT NOT ESPN HD. AND THEN SHE SAYS, “WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL GET TO WATCH IT.” OH, YEAH, YEAH. NO, I PAY EXTRA MONEY SO I CAN WATCH TV LIKE POOR PEOPLE. I DON’T EVEN FEEL BAD FOR CHEATING ON YOU THIS WEEKEND. [audience ohs] WE HAVE A RULE IN MY HOUSE. IF I’M ASHAMED, IT DOESN’T COUNT. YOU GOTTA PLOW A FOUR TO APPRECIATE AN EIGHT. [laughter] THAT’S MY MANTRA. YEAH. I’LL COME HOME FROM A ROAD TRIP AND BE LIKE, “YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.” SHE’S LIKE, “OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WITH A PIG THIS WEEKEND.” I DON’T CHEAT ON HER. IT’S A JOKE. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND. I… HATE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP, BUT I’M FAITHFUL. THAT’S THE RULE. YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK, YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL. UH, TIGER WOODS, JESSE JAMES, THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOVE THAT SIMPLE RULE. THEY’RE NOT. NOBODY IS. AND YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN I TO WOMEN EITHER, LIKE— MY GIRLFRIEND’LL BE LIKE, “OH, MY GOODNESS, LIKE, YOU REALLY WANNA HOOK UP WITH SOME SKANK?” OH, OH, WHOA. IT’S NO YOU VERSUS SKANK, HONEY. IT’S YOU VERSUS EVERY SKANK. DO YOU SEE HOW THE SCALE SHIFTS IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AT THAT POINT? IT’S LIKE, SHE’S A MIGHTY SPARTAN WARRIOR. BUT THERE’S ALL THESE PERSIAN WHORES… THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL HER. [laughter] SHE GETS THE MESSAGE. [laughter]
CANNOT BELIEVE JESSE JAMES
CHEATED ON SANDRA BULLOCK
WHO, COULD HAVE EVER GUESSED,
THAT JESSE JAMES WOULD NOT TAKE VOWS TO THE LORD SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN WHOA!
DID THAT COME OUT OF NOWHERE,
SURE WIFE NUMBER 2 USED TO
RECEIVE BUKKAKE FOR MONEY,
BUT THIS GUY SEEMS LIKE HE WAS A
REAL STRAIGHT SHOOTER.
AND THE WOMEN,
THE WOMEN THAT HE HOOKED UP WITH
ARE COVERED IN TATOOS,
OH, ITS SO REPULSIVE.
I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACT SHOCKED
WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TATOOS ALL OVER THEM.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
GOING TO LOOK LIKE AT 90?
NOBODY THAT IS COVERED IN TATOOS
WILL EVER LIVE TO SEE 90.
YOU’VE NEVER BEEN STRUGGLING
WITH LIFE’S PROBLEMS AND BEEN LIKE,
YOU KNOW WHO I SHOULD TALK TO?
THAT WISE OLD MAN THAT HAS A SNAKE COILED AROUND HIS NECK.

IF EVER THERE WAS A MAN THAT IS BATTING 1000 IN LIFE,
IT’S THE GUY THAT HAS A SPIDER PERMANENTLY ON HIS FUCKING FACE.

I HATE TATTOOS. THAT BEING SAID, I HAVE A FEW. EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY, I GET A SMALL DASH ON MY INNER THIGH WHERE MY BALLS CURRENTLY HANG. [laughter] YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT’S NOT GONNA BE A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF ART WHEN IT’S FINISHED. MY GRANDKIDS ARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS, THEY CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. THEY’RE LIKE, “WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS?” I’M LIKE, “IT’S YOUR FUTURE. READ THE CHART.” THEY DON’T STOP GROWING. THEY’RE LIKE EARLOBES. [laughter] THAT JOKE WAS INSPIRED BY A DOOR THAT WASN’T LOCKED WHEN I WAS 11. [laughter]
I DID LOVE THAT MOVIE THE BLIND SIDE, MAN THAT WAS INSPIRING.
SO MUCH SO THAT NOW WHENEVER I AM DRIVING MY CAR AND I SEE A BLACK PERSON WALKING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,
I PULL UP RIGHT BEXT TO HIM, ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN, KEEP IT LOCKED IM NOT SILLY, CHECK THEIR 40 TIME, IF ITS UNDER 4.3 IM LIKE, GET IN THE CAR!!
THEY’RE LIKE, IM NOT HOMELES.
GET IN THE CAR!! IM YOUR NEW FATHER.
WASN’T THAT THE MESSAGE TO THE MOVIE?
THAT KIDNAPPING CAN BE PROFITABLE.

HOW ABOU THOSE WINTER OLYMPICS? THEY WERE EXCITING, WEREN’T THEY? FINALLY, WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWN A HILL FASTER. NOT GEORGIA. [audience ohs] OOH. OH, I’M SORRY. BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU, HERE IN SAN FRAN? TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY, DON’T YOU?

IF I KNOW SAN FRAN SISCO LIKE I THINK I DO ITS THAT YOU LIKE SOUR DOUGH, AND LUGE THE WINTER OLYMPICS ARE POINTLESS. I’LL SAY IT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I ASSUME THE ONLY REASON WE HAVE THEM IS SO WHITE PEOPLE FEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS, BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT, THE ONLY THING THE WINTER OLYMPICS SHOW ME IS WHICH COUNTRY HAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS? WHAT’S IT COST TO GO SKIING? $900 A DAY? “OH, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT’S NOT MORE POPULAR IN THE INNER CITIES.” HMM. “HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAY BASKETBALL TODAY?” “NO, MAN, I’M GOING TO BRECKENRIDGE.” “OH. “LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH. LATRELL’S GOING TO BRECKENRIDGE.” [laughter] I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES, FOR THAT MATTER. I JUST DON’T WANT PARENTS TO BE REWARDED FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS TO FORFEIT THEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD PERFECTING A SPORT NO ONE CARES ABOUT FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHS AT A TIME, THEN FOR ONE MONTH, I GOT TO ACT AS IF THE VAULT AFFECTS MY PATRIOTISM. IT DOESN’T. I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMP AND RIB CAGE IT. YEAH. DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY. ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER, ASK YOUR MOM WHY YOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3", AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYS HAMMERTOE’S A DEAL BREAKER. I’M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET, MARY LOU. THEY’RE DISGUSTING. [cheers and applause] AND HOW BAD IS THAT MEDAL CEREMONY? UGH. IT’S HORRIBLE. I HATE OUR FUCKING ANTHEM. THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO ANY OF YOU HAVE I ON YOUR iPOD? “WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?” “OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. “I LOVE IT. IT JUST REALLY GETS ME JAZZED UP.” I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY. IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS, OH-HO-HO, IT’S GONNA BE GREAT, BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM’S GONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG JUST SO BRONZE AND SILVER GO, “WHAT THE FUCK? HOW LONG IS THIS?” IT’S LIKE, “KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS. “YOU’RE BEING VERY DISRESPECTFUL. THERE’S A NINE-MINUTE GUITAR SOLO COMING.” “WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?” [laughter] I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S MORE EMBARRASSING IN THIS COUNTRY— THAT MICHAEL PHELPS FELL FROM THE GRACES FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TO A SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE? [laughs] [cheers and applause] ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? SWIMMING? YOU MEAN THAT THING YOU INSTINCTIVELY DO BEFORE YOU DIE? “YEAH, BUT HE’S REALLY FAST. IT’S… IT’S PRETTY HEROIC.” THE FIRST THING MICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OUT WAS CALL KOBE BRYANT’S PUBLICIST, BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSED OF RAPE. AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COURT FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER, WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP, AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A. COULDN’T BE PROUDER. YEAH, I JUST HOPE WHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS RUN AROUND IN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS, THEY HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE LIKE, “OH, COME ON. NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST. [laughter] “24 JUST HAS A GREAT WORK ETHIC. AND AN UNBLOCKABLE TURNAROUND.” [laughter]

MICHAEL PHELPS, HE WON 13 GOLD MEDALS IN BEIJING, WHICH I AM TOLD IS A LOT.
WAIT UNTIL HE COMPETES IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, BECAUSE HE WILL CLEAN UP.
AND YEAH, HE’LL GET IN, HE HAS AN UNDERBITE, THAT’S A SIGN OF DOWNS.
HOW IS THAT GUY SHATTERING RECORDS
WITH HIS MOUTH FILLING WITH WATER WITH EVERY STROKE?
(MATIONS LIKE HE IS SWIMMING WITH AN UNDERBITE AND WATER IS POURING IN)
KNOCK IT OFF WITH SHAVING YOUR BALLS, AN ORHODONTIST COULD SHAVE 3 SECONDS OFF YOUR TIME.
AND I DON’T KNOW ALL THE RULES TO YOUR “SPORT”
(AIR QUOTES AROUND SPORT)
BUT IM PRETTY SURE YOUR EARS CAN’T PADDLE.
THEN WHAT DO WE DO,
WE AWARD A 50 MOST BEAUTIFUL,
I CAN ONLY ASSUME WE WERE DOING A NECK DOWN ISSUE,
LET ME GUESS, FERGIE WAS ON THE COVER?
EW, CAUSE SHE’S FUGLY.
OH-HO YOU EVER SEEN HER,
NOONE HAS, CAMERAS HOLD ON HER FOR ABOUT THAT LONG BEFORE RECORD SALED DIP.
(IMAGINARY CAMERA MOVES VERY QUICKLY)
YOU MEAN SHE CAN’T SING AND SHE’S UGLY?
THANKS FOR RUINING THE BLACK EYED PEAS.
SOME OF YOU STILL LIKE THEM?
THAT’S BECAUSE YOURE 2000 AND LATE.
IVE GOT A FEELING.

[cheers and applause] — KANGAROOS CAN’T HOP BACKWARDS. IT’S NOT VERY FUNNY, BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING. I DON’T CARE HOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT, YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT. YOU’LL BE IN AUSTRALIA NINE YEARS FROM NOW. YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKED BY A KANGAROO, AND YOU’LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL, “GET BEHIND HIM. “WAIT, HOW DID I KNOW TO SAY THAT? “HOW DID I KNOW TO SAY THAT? “AM I A WIZARD? “HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN A WIZARD? WELL, THEN WHY DON’ I HAVE A DEMON?” [scattered laughter] I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS. I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME. I’D GIVE ‘EM FACTS. THEY’D BE SILLY. LIKE, BABIES AREN’T DISHWASHER-SAFE. PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, “OH, MY GOODNESS. “WHO DOESN’T KNOW THIS? “WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEP ONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER, “THEY’RE DOING A GOOD THING OVER THERE. THANKS, SUMMER PEACH.” I PREFER THE TEAS.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF JOHNNY DEPP BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSE AT NIGHT. IF YOU DON’T KNOW, JOHNNY DEPP’S 48 YEARS OLD. I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS. “HOLD ON, GUYS, I’LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU. “I HAVE TO PUT ON ANOTHER BRACELET. “I ONLY HAVE SIX ON. I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT. “I KNOW YOU’RE IN A HURRY, “BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY BELT IS ASKEW “AND MY HANDKERCHIEF IS JUST SO, BECAUSE I’M ALMOST 50, AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES.” COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF. AND MY VOTE IS 48.

THE TV SHOW INTERVENTION IS LIKE PUNKED FOR JUNKIES

I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD. I DON’T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS. I DON’T NEED TO SEE ALTERNATE ENDINGS. THEY’RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT. THEY’RE JUST LONGER, A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS, AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERAL PUBLIC COULDN’T HANDLE. IF YOU’RE GONNA GIVE ME ALTERNATE ENDINGS, YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY. LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKS WITH MY NEPHEW. YEAH, WE WATCHED THE ALTERNATE ENDING WHERE THEY LOSE THE HOCKEY GAME. THEN THEY GO BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM. THEY START DOING BLOW AND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER. EMILIO’S DEAD IN THE SHOWER. YOU’RE LIKE, “HOLY COW. WHOA. “DID YOU SEE THE ALTERNATE ENDING? “NO, NO, NO, THEY WEN “IN A COMPLETELY DIFFEREN DIRECTION. “I THINK DISNEY WAS SMART WITH THE ORIGINAL. THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS A LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS.” THAT’S DISNEY, ALWAYS SNEAKING IN SUBLIMINAL STUFF IN OUR MOVIES. DID YOU KNOW THERE’S A PENIS ON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX? YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIEL FOR SIX MONTHS AND NOT PUT A DICK SOMEWHERE. GOD, I LOVE THAT FISH HALF. LIBERAL.

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY CLOSE TO YOU DIE AND YOU’RE LIKE
UGH, THE LAST THING I SAID TO THEM WAS,
I HOPE YOU GET DICK CANCER!
RIGHT THAT’S AN AWFUL LAST THING TO HAVE SAID.
AND THAT’S WHY I DON’T SAY IT ANY MORE.
IT’S JUST NOT WORTH IT.
I DON’T SEE MY MOTHER VERY OFTEN,
BUT WHEN I DO, OH, I MAKE SURE I END EVERY CONVERSATION WITH SOMETHING SO PROFOUND THAT JUST IN THE OFF CHANCE THAT SHE DOES KICK THE BUCKET, I CAN STILL HAVE A RELATIVELY DECENT WEEKEND.
RIGHT, BUT ITS HARD, CAUSE SHE WILL RAMBLE ON THE PHONE FOREVER ABOUT NOTHING. DANIEL, I JUST FINISHED A 500 PIECE PUZZLE AND YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS,
I DID THE CORNERS LAST.
I WILL BELIEVE IT AND IV’E GOTTA GO, BUT
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE A ROSE IN A FIELD OF DAISIES.
SHE’S LIKE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ANYDAY NOW.
OH-HO EASY WHORE!
I DON’T SAY THAT,
THEN MY BROTHER WOULD GET EVERYTHING.

A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLED IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY, WHICH IS SAD, BUT IT HAPPENS, NOT USUALLY IN WHITE NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS. I THINK THERE’S A PIE CHAR THAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE. SMALL SLIVER, SAFER. SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREET WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEEN COMPLAINING FOR YEARS THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST. SO REACTIVE IN NATURE AS EVERYONE IS, AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT, THEY HAD A BUNCH OF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN. AND I THOUGHT, “WOW, WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY TO REMEMBER EVERY TIME THEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD.” BA-BOOM. [whimpers] “NATALIE! “YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH. “BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOING A NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION. “NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR. “EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE, SHE MAKES US FIGHT. GOOD RIDDANCE.” YEAH, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED THERE? IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS MADE-UP STORY, YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY. NOW, AT THE END, YOU REALIZE THEY WEREN’T FIT PARENTS TO BEGIN WITH. WE’VE ALL GROWN. LET’S MOVE ON TO SOME NONFICTION. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLED AT SIX FLAGS, HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF BY THE ROLLER COASTER? OH, MAN, THE FIRST THING THAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND WAS, “WOW, HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?” HERE IT GOES. YEAH IF YOU DON’T REMEMBER THE STORY, HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP. HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE. HIS HAT BLEW OFF. AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER, HE’S LIKE, “I’M GONNA GO GET MY HAT.” AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCE WITH SIGNS ON I THAT PROBABLY SAID, “HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES.” AND HE’S LIKE, “WHAT? “HAVE YOU SEEN ME IN THAT HAT? NOT TODAY, FENCE.” AND HE WENT OVER IT. AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCE WITH MORE SIGNS. LIKE, “COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF.” HE’S LIKE, “YOU CAN’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE, SIGNS.” AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE. AND ON THE OTHER SIDE, THE STORY ENDS. DID HE GET THE HAT? I’D LIKE TO THINK HE DID. RIGHT? A SMALL SILVER LINING. LIKE, “I TOLD YOU I’D GET IT.” AND THEN WHACK, RIGHT THEN. AND I KNOW HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP, AND THEY DON’T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION, BUT THAT KID WAS GETTING PICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER. YEAH. [laughter and applause] AND IF I WERE A FAMILY MEMBER, I’D SAY 15 YEARS WAS A PRETTY GOOD RUN. BUT THEN AGAIN, I’M HALF FULL. THE REAL STORY, WHICH NOBODY TALKS ABOUT UNTIL NOW, IS HOW HE WAS DECAPITATED. IT WAS A SUSPENSION ROLLER COASTER. A YOUNG LADY, 25 YEARS OLD HER LEG IS WHAT DECAPITATED HIM. SHATTERED HER LEG IN OVER EIGHT PLACES. SHE HAD TO HAVE THREE SURGERIES AND WEAR A CAST FOR OVER A YEAR. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE EVER WORN A CAST OR NOT, BUT EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER WILL COME UP TO YOU AND BE LIKE, “HOW’D YOU BREAK YOUR LEG?” [laughter] SHE GETS TO BE LIKE, “I FUCKING PUNTED A GUY’S HEAD “90 YARDS. YEAH. TOP THAT, JANIKOWSKI.” OH, FINALLY A RAIDER REFERENCE THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE SUCKING. [cheers and applause] PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME I HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I ASSUME IT’S RELATIVE. WHO ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO? CARROT TOP? THEN, YEAH, I’M A LITTLE BLUE. TO MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS, I’M TAME. MY SISTER’S OFF THE CHARTS. I PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES ON HER CONSTANTLY, THOUGH. I GOT HER SO GOOD A FEW WEEKS AGO. I REPLACED HER PEPPER SPRAY WITH SILLY STRING. ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT, SHE GOT RAPED, AND SHE CALLED ME THE NEXT DAY, GOING, “YOU SON OF A BITCH. “YOU GOT ME SO GOOD. “NO, NO, NO, NO, AS SOON “AS I STARTED SPRAYING HIM IN THE FACE.

“I’M LIKE, ‘DANIEL.

THIS IS GONNA REALLY HURT.’” [singsong] HOT POCKET. THAT’S HOW THAT JOKE ENDS. I HAD ANOTHER COMIC FRIEND OF MINE FINISH IT.

I HATE RAIN. I UNDERSTAND THE NECESSITY FOR IT. BUT WHEN I WALK OUTSIDE, I PREFER IT TO BE SUNNY. THAT’S WHY I LOVE CALIFORNIA SO MUCH. OH, AND I THINK IT’S BECAUSE I WEAR A 35 INSEAM WHEN I’M CLEARLY A 34. BUT I’VE ALWAYS LIKED MY PANTS LONG IN THE BACK. I LIKE ‘EM TO HIT THE GROUND, NATURALLY FRAY OVER TIME, BUT WHEN IT RAINS, OH. AM I RIGHT? THE FRAY GETS WET, THEN THE PANT LEG GOES UP MUCH HIGHER THAN ANYTHING I EVER STEPPED IN. I JUST LOOK DOWN. I’M LIKE, AAGH! IS THIS WHAT THE PEOPLE IN NEW ORLEANS WENT THROUGH? BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL. HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THAT BAD, MAYBE I WOULD HAVE HELPED. NEXT TIME, ‘TRINA 2, I’M YOUR SAVIOR. DO THEY NAME STORMS LIKE SEQUELS IN MOVIES? BECAUSE THEY SHOULD. ‘TRINA 2: GOD’S STILL CRYING. YOU WANT HELP, DON’T INVEST IN PROPERTY VALUE THAT’S BELOW SEA LEVEL. YOU’RE WELCOME. [cheers and applause]
LEARNED THAT ONE ON PROPERTY VIRGINS,
THANKS SANDRA.

IS THERE AN UPSIDE TO WILDFIRES IN CALIFORNIA?
YEAH, HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU WALK OUTSIDE
AND YOURE LIKE WHOS HAVING A BARBEQUE?
IM SO HUNGRY.
THAT WAS JUST MY NEIGHBORS LOSING HIS MEMORIES,
BUT I STILL WANT BARBEQUE.
WHAT TWO SIDES WOULD I GET?
I THINK COLESLAW AND BAKED BEANS.
NO NO NO, MAC N CHEESE, MAC N CHEESE!!
AHHH I WANT 3 SIDES!

[cheers and applause] PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME I’M A BLEEDING-HEART LIBERAL. WHAT? I’M CONSERVATIVE ON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES. I HATE THE POOR. I’VE SAID THAT FOREVER. “WE NEED HELP.” YEAH, WE’VE HEARD. AND SOME OF YOU KNOW I HAVE A CHARITY, BUT I DID THAT FOR TAX PURPOSES. IF YOU’RE NO FAMILIAR WITH IT, IT’S CALLED FEBREZING THE HOMELESS. [laughter] NO, IT’S NO WHAT SOME OF YOU THINK. WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND, AND I FEBREZE HOMELESS PEOPLE. IS THAT WHA YOU THOUGHT IT WAS? WELL, THIS ISN’T A GAME SHOW. IT’S NICE. WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO? THE GUY THAT SMELLS LIKE LIQUID GARBAGE OR OCEAN BREEZE? IT’S A NO-BRAINER. YOU’RE GONNA MAKE IT RAIN ON NUMBER TWO. MAKE IT RAIN. “THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY, FOR CONTINUING TO KEEP WOMEN IN THEIR PLACE,” HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM. IF YOU DON’T KNOW, IT’S WHEN YOU THROW CASH ON THE HOES. I CAME UP WITH MY OWN EXPRESSION. I LIKE TO MAKE IT HAIL. YEAH, THAT’S WHEN YOU THROW CHANGE ON SLUTS. [imitates whooshing] “OW! ARE THOSE NICKELS?” “YEAH. IT’S A DOWN ECONOMY. I’M A BALLER ON A BUDGET, BITCH.”

(HOLDS UP HAND) YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE THAT? KEEP AN OPEN HAND. THAT’LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON. I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S TRUE… JUST IN CASE ANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGH AND DECIDES TO BEAT THE SHITOUT OF THEIR— “I KEPT AN OPEN HAND. YOUR HONOR, THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED…”
DEATH PENALTY, I GO CONSERVATIVE, KILL HIM, I DON’T CARE.
THE ARGUMENT AGAINST IT IS SILLY, WELL WHAT IF YOU PUT DO DEATH AN INNOCENT MAN?
TO THAT I SAY GOOD!
IT’S WORKED OUT IN THE PAST, AM I RIGHT CHRISTIANS?
JOHN 3:16.
(CROWD OH’S)
THAT’S NOT AN OH THAT’S HOW THE STORY WENT.
AN INNOCENT MAN TOOK THE BULLET SO WE COULD LIVE HORRIBLE LIVES, APPOLOGIZED AT THE END SO WE COULD GET IN FOR FREE.
I READ THE CLIFF NOTES, YOU CAN MOAN ALL YOU WANT THAT IS SPOT ON ACCURATE.
SOME ISSUES I GO A LITTLE LEFT ON. I HEART ABORTION. FINE. WHERE’S THAT T-SHIRT, URBAN OUTFITTERS? I’LL BUY ONE. LARGE, PRESHRUNK, COTTON-POLY BLEND, OVERPRICED, BUT VERY SOFT. JUST SAYS “I HEART ABORTION.” NOT A REGULAR HEART, AN UNBORN FETUS HEART THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT. LOOK AT IT. WHAT, IT’S OKAY FOR THEM TO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD, SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID’S FACE THAT’S MAKING THE TOUGHEST DECISION OF HER LIFE, BUT I EMBRACE I AND I’M THE A-HOLE? GOT IT. WHAT’S THE BACK OF THE SHIRT SAY? “PROBLEM SOLVED.” IT SAYS, “GO BACK TO BEING SELFISH. “YOUR LIFE’S NOT OVER JUST YET. “DON’T HAVE TO TAKE ALL THOSE FAILED DREAMS AND CRAM ‘EM DOWN SOMEBODY ELSE’S THROAT.” BACK OF THE SHIRT’S LONG. PEOPLE MAY BUMP INTO YOU, LIKE, “SORRY, I WAS READING THAT HORRIBLE SHIRT. WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?” “SARAH PALIN’S HOUSE.” [laughter]

THE OCTOMOM, KATE PLUS 8,
ANYONE THAT HAS HAD A LITTER OF CHILDREN,
I HOPE THE COURTS TAKE THEM
AND THEY STAPLE YOUR VAGINA SHUT.
SERIOUSLY, HOLY COW.
WHAT’S HER NAME HAD 6 CHILDREN,
THEN SHE HAD 8 MORE WHICH EQUALS,
IM NOT ASIAN BUT I KNOW IT’S A BIG NUMBER.
UH, DO I HIT, DO I STAY, DOES IT MATTER WHAT THE DEALER HAS?
WE THINK SHE HAD 8,
WHO KNOWS IF THEY FINISHED
VACUUMING OUT OF HER VAGINA.
I CAN ONLY ASSUME HER LABOR INVOLVED ONE OF THOSE GOLF BALL RECEIVER RAKES THAT YOU BLINDLY THROW INTO THE MUDDY POND AND SKIM THE FLOOR,
AND YOURE LIKE LOOK AN ORANGE ONE,
WOMEN CANT DRIVE HAHA
AND THESE LADIES ARE SINGLE,
FELLA’S BE CAREFUL WHO YOU ARE PUMPING DRINKS INTO IN A BAR.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE TALKING OUT YOUR ASS,
LIKE OH ID LOVE TO HAVE A FAMILY SOME DAY
SHES LIKE REALLY LOOK OUTSIDE.
YOU SEE THOSE FOUR MINIVANS IDLEING?
THOSE ARE ALL MINE.
THEY’RE FILLED WITH OUR DREAMS.
THEY WANT MONEY, UH,
YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD SPONSOR THOSE WOMEN,
UH E HARMONY, BECAUSE IF THEY CAN PAIR THEM,
THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD SITE.
YEAH, ACCORDING TO YOUR PROFILE,
YOU WOULD BE A PERFECT MATCH FOR A RABBIT.
HAHA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET EASTER?
OR BUGS?
OR THUMPER?
OR TRIX?
OR VELVETEEN?
OR ROGER?
OR PLAYBOY?
OR VW?
OR EMINEM FROM 8-MILE?
A SMALL VIBRATOR?
ENERGIZER?
I DOT KNOW IM OUT, IM OUT, THAT’S ALL THE RABITS I KNOW.
THAT’S NOT GOING TO MAKE THE SHOW, DON’T WORRY.

YOU EVER ASK YOUR PARENTS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER,
WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE MOM?
SHE’S LIKE I LOVE YOU GUYS THE SAME,
AND YOU WALK AWAY OKAY WITH IT.
IVE HEARD OF A TIE,
BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE.
WHAT IS THE OCTOMOM GOING TO DO?
THERE’S NO WAY A 14 WAY TIE WILL BE BELEIVABLE.
SHE’S GUNNA HAVE TO BE HONEST.
WHO DO I LOVE MORE?
LETS SEE, 4 OF YOU ARE RETARDED SO YOURE OUT.
NOW LET’S FOCUS ON KIDS WHO HAVE EYELIDS, UH, (LONG PAUSE)
IS THIS THE JOKE THAT GOES TOO FAR?
JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE,
EVERYONE WAS OKAY WITH MY SISTER GETTING RAPED RIGHT?
OKAY, BUT THIS ONE.

SPEAKING OF AWFUL PARENTS, JOE JACKSON DESERVES A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. HOLY COW. I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACTED SHOCKED THAT MICHAEL DIED. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MICHAEL WAS ON BORROWED TIME AS SOON AS HE SWITCHED RACES. DON’T ACT SO SAD OVER HIS DEATH. ARE YOU KIDDING? THERE’S A REASON— THERE’S A REASON HIS REUNION TOUR WAS IN LONDON. NOBODY IN AMERICA WANTS TO WATCH A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN SCOOT BACKWARDS. [laughter]

BUT OH THAT PARENTING DEBATE,
TO SPANK YOUR KID OR NOT TO SPANK YOUR KID,
BECAUSE JOE SHOWS YOU,
YOU CAN INFACT BEAT YOUR CHILD TO GREATNESS.
OH BUT THE THIN RED LINE YOU TOE.
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HIT HIM HARD ENOUGH
THAT HE HAS THE CREATIVE ANGST
TO ONE DAY GIVE YOU THE THRILLER ALBUM.
BUT NOT SO MUCH THAT HE FUCKS CHILDREN.
YEAH, IM NOT READY FOR KIDS.
I JUST DON’T KNOW THAT DISTINCTION.
LIKE, IS THAT TOO HARD
(MAKES A FIST AND REARS BACK)

HOW COME PEOPLE SAY WORSTE CASE SCENARIO WHEN IT’S CLEARY NOT.
LIKE YOU COULD ALWAYS ADD, AND THEN A ROLLER COASTER CUT MY HEAD OFF.

I HAVE A NEW TV SHOW
THAT IM REALLY PSYCHED ABOUT
CALLED THE VAGINA WHISPERER.
CO-PRODUCED BY CESAR MILAN.
IT’S FOR PEOPLE HAVING TROUBLE IN THE BEDROOM,
I COME OVER, WATCH YOU AND YOUR PARTNER MAKE LOVE,
I MAKE SURE THAT YOUR VAGINA
IS IN A SUBMISSIVE STATE,
BY CONSTANTLY GOING CH CH
(FLICKS WATER LIKE CESAR MILAN)
CH CH CH CH
I HAVE A MEXICAN MOTHER AS WELL!
CH CH
THEN I ASK YOU TO STEP ASIDE,
I SHOW YOU HOW I WOULD DO IT,
THEN THE LAST 58 MINUTES OR SO
IS ME APOLOGIZING,
TRYING TO TELL YOU THIS NEVER HAPPENS,
AND RECOMMENDING THAT WE PUT THIS VAGINA DOWN.
I DON’T THINK IT IS SAFE TO BRING HOME TO MY PACK.

[cheers and applause] I WAS MAKING LOVE TO THIS GIRL RECENTLY. LET’S SAY SHE’S 19. THERE’S NO BOUNCER IN MY BEDROOM. YOU’RE IN. SHE SAYS TO ME DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING, “HEY, DANIEL, WHAT’S IT LIKE HAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?” I’M LIKE, “HOW SHOULD I KNOW?” I DIDN’T SAY THAT. WE NEED TIME MACHINES. WHAT I SAID WAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC. I SAID, “OH. IT’S A LOT LIKE PICKING UP DOG SHIT WITH A BAG,” WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINK NOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY. LIKE, YOU KNOW THERE’S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND, BUT YOU DON’T FREAK OUT. [laughter]

BARAK OBAMA WENT WITH A PORTUGUESE WATER DOG,
WHICH I THOUGHT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.
I WAS HOPING SO BAD
THAT HE WAS GOING TO ADOPT ONE OF
MICHAEL VICK’S DOGS.
WHAT? HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE,
THAT OUR FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT
WALKS OUT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN WITH LIKE A PITBULL, AND JUST TAKE A GANGSTER
KNEE AND JUST HOPE THE MEDIA
DOESN’T WRITE SOMETHING RACIST, LIKE, UH,
SLEEP TIGHT AMERICA,
DMX HAS GOT OUR BACK.

BARACK OBAMA DOESN’T INSPIRE ME, LIKE GEORGE W. INSPIRED ME, LIKE I COULD LOOK AT HIM AND BE LIKE, I COULD DO THAT. BARACK SET THE BAR A LITTLE OUT OF REACH. LIKE YOU WANT ME TO HELP IN THE COMMUNITY THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. WHEN DO WE GET TO BE SELFISH AGAIN? THAT’S THE COUNTRY I WAS BORN INTO.

[applause] SOMETIMES WHEN I’M OUT AT NIGHT AND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN, I LIKE TO WALK UP TO ‘EM AND PRETEND THAT I’M A JUDGE AT A DOG SHOW. AND I JUST GO, “MM. “THIRD, SECOND, FIRST… IN THAT ORDER!” [applause] THEY LOVE IT. THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED. THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME GETTING READY. THERE’S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THAT WOULDN’T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGHT WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON. HER FRIEND’S LIKE, “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?” “OH, SOME GUY AT THE BAR THOUGHT I WON.” “KATIE DIDN’T EVEN PLACE. I KNOW. IT’S CRAZY.” IF I SEE A REALLY HOT CHICK, I’LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCH AND THE THROAT AND BE LIKE,

“BEST IN SHOW.” LITTLE HEAVY. SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONE FROM THE TOY GROUP. BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, OKAY? JUST NOT TO ME. I FIND YOU DISGUSTING. FRESHMAN 15'S NOT A LIFE SENTENCE. OKAY?
I KNOW THIS IS AWKWARD RIGHT NOW TO SOME OF US.
HE WANTS US TO EAT HEALHTY AND EXERCISE WHAT A JERK.
WE’RE TOO FAT. WE’RE JUST TOO FAT. I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY THAT WAS DELAYED OVER THREE HOURS AT THE GATE BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS.
WE HAD TO WAIT FOR AN INBOUND FLIGHT OF FAT PEOPLE AND GET THEIR SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS AND USE THEM. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS ARE? SEAT BELTS ONLY GO THIS BIG.
(JUMP ROPES WITH SEAT BELT) [laughter] SOME PEOPLE NEED AN EXTRA 6 1/2 FEET OF NYLON TO STRAP IN, AS IF ANY COLLISION WOULD UNWEDGE THEM.

YOU EVER BEEN ON A FLIGHT
AND A BUNCH OF VIRGIN FLYERS APPLAUD
LIKE MORONS AFTER A SUCCESSFUL LANDING.
I ALWAYS PRAY THAT THOSE SAME PEOPLE
ARE ON THE US AIRWAYS FLIGHT
THAT LANDED IN THE HUDSON RIVER,
AND THEY JUST WENT BOO, BOO,
WHAT IS THIS?
IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ON LAND YOU DICK.

NEW YORK GETS ALL THE COOL PLANE CRASHES.
ALRIGHT, MAYBE COOL IS NOT THE RIGHT WORD BUT YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I LOVE THAT THE MODELING INDUSTRY GETS ATTACKED FOR BEING TOO SKINNY. REALLY, AMERICA? YOU’RE NOT TOO BIG? MM-MM. IS SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH? MM-MM. DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY SAY THAT— THAT MODELS ARE TOO SKINNY? IT’S BECAUSE PARENTS ARE HORRIBLE. THEY CAN’T TELL THEIR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER THAT SHE’S NOT REALLY A PRINCESS. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I CAN. IF YOU’RE 16 YEARS OLD AND YOU THINK THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND GISELE IS YOUR WAISTLINE AND NOT YOUR BUSTED FACE… HERE’S SOME ADVICE— FILL UP THE PAXIL, BECAUSE LIFE IS GONNA BE REALLY SAD. IF YOU’RE WALKING AROUND LIKE,

(CRUNCHES UP FACE AND TALKS FUNNY)

WELL, WHY AM I NOT A SUPERMODEL YET?” WHO ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT, SEABISCUIT? “OH, I WANT TO BE A MODEL.” DO YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU? LET’S START WITH YOUR JAWLINE. THAT’S NOT GONNA SELL A LOT OF MAKEUP IN THE MAGAZINES. “BUT I’M SKINNY.” YOU ARE A TROLL. MY ADVICE, HAVE A TWINKIE, GET REAL GOOD AT MATH, BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR YOU. I’M SORRY IF THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL, BUT BEING AN UGLY WOMAN IS LIKE BEING A MAN. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK. YEP. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU GUYS. THANK YOU. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.˝

Conclusion

Daniel Tosh is a very unique comedian, he see’s troubling issues that are going on in today’s world, and makes light of them in his jokes. These jokes are only made funnier by his presentation. He presents his material in such a way that you cannot take him seriously, making it easier to laugh. When he is telling a joke, he dies not have a serious face, he has a big smile on and he is even laughing a little bit himself. This shows that he does not seriously mean what he is saying, and he is not trying to be mean, he is just trying to be funny.

In this comedy routine, Tosh takes his jokes even further by making fun of celebrities’ shortcomings. He is no longer just making up edgy stories for people to laugh at, he is also taking jabs at real people. It is hard for a comedian to make a joke of child abuse alone, but Tosh takes it even further saying that, like Joe Jackson, you can in fact “beat your child to greatness.” Following that with also being able to beat your child into fucking children. By adding in jokes about real people, Daniel takes his comedy to the next level. Now he is really enacting schaudenfreude, because he is finding joy in real peoples pain, not just broad stories that can relate to many people. He is picking out one person and really making people laugh at some of the hardest times in their life.

The fact that Daniel Tosh does not just tell G-rated stories about how he went to the mall and saw something funny like many other comedians do makes him stand out above the crowd. He brings a kind of edgy humor to the table that many love, and that some are not ready for. Tosh is the type of comedian where you either love him or hate him due to his material; there is no in-between.

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