Tick, tock, tick, tock. The minutes seem to pass by in a blur, getting quicker and quicker with each passing day. Life is whizzing past yet everything is staying the same.
Summer becomes Autumn, the leaves change from dull green to vibrant orange and red hues. October birthday celebrations come and go with minimal fuss. I watch as others carve pumpkins, dress up for Halloween outings, and enjoy firework displays and toffee apples on a cold November night.
As winter sets in I weave in and out of ambling Christmas shoppers, as I- alone- try to get into the holiday spirit. I watch others get engaged on Christmas eve, or as they see in the New Year by Tower Bridge. Hope fades with each passing year. Maybe next year becomes who are you trying to kid?
Winter comes and goes and the cold, frosty air, turns into the warmth of Spring. Flowers bloom and blossom but my life stays stagnant. I scroll through social media reading about summer holiday plans, family holidays, romantic getaways and plan yet another solo trip where I’ll quickly get to know strangers and then have to say goodbye just as quickly.
Back home acquaintances come and go. Fleeting, meaningless connections are infrequently made, and friends are pushed away before they get too close and leave of their own accord. It’s easier to cope this way. They will leave eventually, they always do.
I don’t know if it’s being alone that I mind or if it’s the fact that I haven’t yet learnt to let anybody in. I want to experience a life with love and without crippling loneliness that everyone else seems to have. I want to enjoy life before it’s too late. I want someone to love me, or at least love being with me.
I just want to be free of this loneliness and despair that I’ve grown so accustomed to, but I don’t think I ever will be.