The things I should have said but didn’t: #1

Jul 25, 2017 · 3 min read

Dear {manipulative ex-best friend}

I wish I’d never met you. I couldn’t see it when we were 4- not even when there had to be two Mary’s in the nursery school play because you couldn’t bear the fact that I’d been picked to play the lead and you hadn’t- but you’re a manipulative, controlling bully.

Everyone followed you around and they loved you. I hated that and was envious of the attention you had lavished onto you. I never hated or envied you though. I should have walked away from our friendship early to save myself some heartache but you can’t see the bigger picture when you’re a child, can you? I was so scared of being left out and having no friends that I hung onto your every word and stayed with you for years longer than I should.

Since we no longer talk, and I’ve seen through your facade, I look back on our friendship and everything falls into place. The way you’d decide you didn’t want to be friends with someone so we both had to stop being friends with them, only for you to make up with them mere days later and leave me looking like the bad guy. I lost the best friend I’ve ever had because you did that. The way you’d do things on the spur of the moment to control our friendship, like the time you pretended to be scared of walking under a bridge with a train line running over it when a train passed. I said there was nothing to be afraid of and carried on walking but you said if I walked under it our friendship would be over. I thought it strange at the time but I didn’t see how manipulative that was. I’ve seen you walk under that train bridge a thousand times. That makes you a liar too.

I’ve seen through the way you’d mock things about me, like my laugh. I’d find it funny but you always took it a bit too far. And the way you said you wouldn’t support me at school when the nasty crowd were at their nastiest. I had to face their horrible words and spitting alone because you said you didn’t believe it was happening, even though you saw it with your own eyes.

My biggest issue though, and the thing that upsets me the most, is not any of the above. When our friendship was fizzling out you hung out with a couple of the lads we were friends with. You said one of them fancied me and I should go out with him, despite you spending the last few years telling everyone I was gay without even asking me first. I had never been in a relationship before so I decided to give it a chance. I didn’t like him one bit(turns out you were right) but you’d only invite me places because he was there. I was so scared of losing your friendship that I strung him along for longer than was fair (he was almost as horrible as you though). When I could finally do it no longer I ended it and, with it, our friendship.

We haven’t talked since that. You liked all my photos from my three month trip to the USA a couple of years back, until half way through when you- and all of the current crowd you have hanging onto your every word- stopped interacting. My family say you did that because you were jealous of my travels but I know that that wasn’t it.

You hated the fact that me, the shy, sensitive loser in your eyes, was doing something brave and exciting with her life. You thought I never would and I bet that made you happy. But when you saw that I was making something of myself, and that I was a different person to the one you knew, you hated it.

I guess there’s not much else to say really except, I’m not sorry that we fell out, I’m just sorry that we ever met at all.

Emily x


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