#Scousexit

Imagine if approximately half of Liverpool’s fans were sick and tired of the archaic meritocracy that’s keeping them out of the Champions League.

They could call it the English Premier Leave. Or #Scousexit.

The Scousexit campaign shamelessly taps into the jingoistic, nationalistic nostalgia of a generation of older fans.

These fans yearn for a return of the GOOD OLD DAYS of the 1970s, when Liverpool were a dominant club on the global stage. When the majority of the players in the league where English and most importantly there were no FANCY-DAN DIVING FOREIGNERS coming in and taking the spots of the hard-working local lads.

And due to massive foreign investment from such places as Russia and the Middle East, other clubs in the Premier League are now occupying league positions that should OTHERWISE BE THEIRS (although how leaving the Premier League is going to stop the influx of players from outside UEFA though is an absolute mystery).

Instead of dividing the TV revenue (somewhat) evenly among the other 19 teams in the Premier League, Liverpool can now keep their share all to themselves! And they are free to play Barcelona and Real Madrid whenever they want! They could even play against clubs outside of Europe, like Guangzhou Evergrande or LA Galaxy! Think of all the revenue those games against Chinese or American sides would generate!

So 51.9% of Liverpool fans vote to leave.

But despite assurances from the Scousexit campaigners that they can play any side from Europe if and when they so desire, the clubs are already committed to games against other teams. Liverpool would have to negotiate these matches outside the framework of the fixture list.

Also, only players from within the Liverpool system can now play for the club, and any Liverpool player who wants to sign for another Premier League club now has to jump through a host of hoops to do so.

Liverpool may still make the occasional signing from an overseas side, but they will need to prove that they are highly-skilled, they’ll have to earn over £35k a week/year, and they’ll need to be doing a job that could not otherwise be filled by a local player — or else they’ll be forced to return to their previous club after two years.

With uncertainty over the club’s ability to negotiate fixtures against quality opposition, the value of season tickets plummets through the floor. The influx of cash they were going to get from their own TV deal was vastly overstated. Liverpool Reserves (no offence, Scotland) are already looking to form their own breakaway club in the Premier League.

But hey, as long as there’s no more of them foreign divers, right?

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