It will be hard to write this.
Tragedy always brings about radical changes in our lives, at times you think you will get over it, at times they tell you, ‘time will heal’, ‘sadness will not be forever’, they will even say ‘you need to move on’, but what no one tells you is that anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
And that the reality of life is at times a very big capsule to swallow. *sips water*
I miss her, it’s been one year and at least a month since I last saw her face. She was Pale and frail but being the fighter she was her skin never lost that healthy glow. It’s been one year and at least two months since I last heard her voice, she liked talking, especially advising her sons. She had time for us. She was very prayerful and a very optimistic woman. She was hopeful, hopeful of pulling through the pain and aches, through the weak days and disappointing results. She never wanted to see any of her babies sad.
We were the most optimistic lot at that point, this was our hero and like the many years we had spent with her, we knew she’d pull through. I mean mama always had a trick up her sleeve to pull through hard times. Yes this was tough but this was also our mom, the brave one.
You see, it never hits you until it all becomes memories, when you count minutes, hours, days, months, when you start remembering weird things about the person you lost. It’s never easy to deal with a loss, no human will say words that will make your loss less painful, no human will replace the person you lost, no human will give you the strength and comfort of moving past that. You will be sad and angry, you will fight the memories and run away from the new normal. You will hold on to pain.
I don’t know why I am writing this, maybe to heal or to seek closure. But what I want to say in so many words is that; It’s painful to lose someone, you always feel like you could have done more to save them, you might even question yourself as to whether you are a good son/daughter, husband/life, mother/father to the person you lost. Please remember beyond that pain lies one truth, you did the best you could to love them. It is not okay that they are gone, but just a little while longer and you will see them again.
Death makes us more aware of our lives; it encourages us to live more intensely. But most of all it’s the thought that one day we will die that gives each person’s life its true meaning…What are you living for?