How Patriarchal illness affects even Feminist minds?

I cried yesterday. After months of summer here it was the monsoon homecoming again .And the direct cause was abnormally trivial. I went on a bike ride to mountains with a friend. He however an excellent rider couldn’t eliminate my fear of speed. I requested him to slow down but he being recklessly himself didn’t pay any heed.

“Let me drive in my style; I am comfortable this way”.

I pleaded and he ignored. Hence I cried.

I wallowed not because I was scared but because I was angry. I was espoused with this hatred of mine. I hate being at the mercy of another spirit except God( I hate that too , just couldn’t evade it) and here I was left begging. To others this might be stupid but to me its as important as eccentricity.

I crave for dominance no matter where what or when. And this is not a recreational hobby but an element like air for survival. I don’t desire to control people or their lives but circumstances. And this drive is bewildering.

I hate being weak or helpless. Every such condition appears like an encroachment to my femininity or feminine pride. This is how patriarchy effects you.

When you feel that its gone the disease has left you , it comes back again in ways unimaginable. This insanely irrational psychology of maintaining control ,be in charge of every situation , emasculate the ego of men in 1 metre radius is what we refer to the patriarchal epidemic. Why do I compete mentally and emotionally? To prove myself better… and what is the need?

Because since childhood I was subjected to this profound patriarchy. And thus to justify my existence I competed . I worked hard not because I aspired to become something instead slogged my ass to be better , better than most men out there. My distaste to the society was dominant. And hence subconsciously in this combat , somehow my feminism suffered losses.

Patriarchy sickens me chauvinist/dominating men nauseate me. Hence my limitation in demarcating liberal men from patriarchs. I apologise for this generalisation. For this equivalent reciprocation of sneering from my part but I can’t help it. And that is why I fight patriarchy. I wish to gift my children a just society where they can be themselves carelessly like men are today. No competition or existence justification shall occupy predence. They will be free in true sense.

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