Behold my Influence

Stephen Ross
Jun 21 · 4 min read

I’ve decided to become an influencer.

It seems there’s money to be made in the business of influence. You just have to able to take a photo and look good. My phone has a camera… and I have multiple image enhancement filters.

Standing in front of a famous monument/historical site. Solemn expression. Considered and thoughtful observation of the sacrifices of earlier generations. Casually wearing a $700 scarf from a leading fashion house. Scarf is gently caught in the soft breeze.

Likes: 201 / Followers: 2,622 / Paycheck: The scarf

Reclining on a tropical beach, witness to an impossible sunset. Remark, poetically, about the beauty of nature and how we must bow before it. Casually holding a can of designer beer from a fashionable, eco-friendly brewery. Photo-bomb by Keanu Reeves.

Likes: 6,933 / Followers: 135,498 / Paycheck: 100 six-packs of designer beer

Standing aside an ancient, prominent New York writer of iconic literature that everyone has never read. He’s wearing an ironic t-shirt referencing his heron addiction of the 1950s. He’s pointing at me. I am a wearing a t-shirt of him. I am casually holding a dinner plate.

Likes: 22,630 / Followers: 303,746 / Paycheck: $3,999

Running with the bulls in Pamplona. Running with three burly, hirsute Pamplonians. Everybody is laughing uncontrollably. Hemingway quote in remark. Holding nothing. Wearing baseball cap prominently featuring branding of fashionable and sustainable bull semen company.

Likes: 247,967 / Followers: 798,765 / Paycheck: $4,500 and 12 Gallons

Standing inside a de rigueur East European club. Six impossibly beautiful blemish-free men and women about me, dancing. Seven sets of impossibly white teeth. Casually holding a tube of lubricant from a desirable, leading manufacturer of sustainable bedroom equipment.

Likes: 546,902 / Followers: 1,528,225 / Paycheck: $6,090 and the lubricant

On the set of a pornography video shoot. Sitting in a $29,000 leather armchair designed by a fashionable, sustainable, eco-friendly Norwegian furniture maker. Nodding sagely as a man with a resemblance to a Hollywood celebrity fornicates rigorously with a cgi-effect.

Photo banned

Account suspended for breach of terms and conditions

Account reinstated after seven-day stand-down period (and public pressure)

Followers now total 129,452,394 (actual celebrity’s career revived)

Finally receive paycheck: The chair, reupholstered

Standing on the stage next to the podium as a young girl with angry eyes speaks to a crowd of two million people about the weather. Remark solemnly that we must all do our part. Casually wearing a wooden trench-coat from a leading manufacturer of designer hipster apparel.

Likes: 27,490,241 / Followers: 420,487,666 / Paycheck: $99,999 and a tree

Staring wistfully at a plate of mock turtle soup made from the last known mock turtle. Sitting at table with me is the Prime Minister of England, the POTUS, and a dachshund. Quote George Orwell and KISS in remark. A canister of desirable, sustainable deodorant stands casually on the table.

Likes: 256,330,212 / Followers: 993,411,086 / Paycheck: $400,000

Resting at the summit of Mt. Everest. Thankful expression. Remark that it is significantly better to have tried and succeeded, than to have tried and failed. Casually smoking a pipe from a leading producer of executive-adventure pipery. Off-the-cuff, throwaway comment about...

Likes: 0

Canceled by all followers

Paycheck: Bounces

Photo & Text ©2019 Stephen Ross, All rights reserved

Stephen Ross

Written by

Writer, film maker, musician. My greatest claim to musical fame was once telling Stevie Ray Vaughan that I played guitar, and that I planned to steal his riffs.

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