On Food and not Cooking
Soylent™ was developed from a need for a simpler food source.
Pemmican. Hardtack. MREs. Nutraloaf. K-Rations.
Primitive versions of what we might call Rational Foods, foods which are purely functional, have promised to be the simple, ideal food source for the single, isolated, or imprisoned male for hundreds of years. Frontiersman, soldiers, mariners, and prisoners, now and of times past, have all been acquainted with them in some bland form. And finally, you too may experience the Joy of not Cooking, with all-new food replacements so simple that any young engineer or college student can prepare them.
You’ve got more important things to do than worry about food.
The newest tasteless batch of these, Soylent and Mealsquares, promises to optimize away cooking, eating and pleasure by precompiling your food. Gone are the days you’d resort to ramen, McDonalds, Doritos, and Hungry Man. Even those would require a decision and action on your part; Beef or Pork? Quarter pounder or Big Mac? Cool Ranch or Salsa Verde? Salisbury Steak or Fried Chicken?
Are you a Slave for Flavor?
Try Distilled Nutrition instead
Profit thirsty corporations and entrepreneurs have been targeting your highly evolved taste receptors for years, subjecting you to all sorts of undue pocketbook pain, pleasure, and elevated serotonin levels. Civilization has wasted trillions of man hours on cultivars, cuisines, concoctions, and cocktails to tickle, tantalize, and torture your tongue, holding you hostage.
No need to shop for individual ingredients or plan ahead
Farmers, ranchers, fisherman, restaurateurs, and grocers are all in on the racket. People have dedicated their lives to peddling all sorts of ingredients, at cost to you in dollars, time, and social capital. They’ve got a stronger monopoly on your social interaction and free time than De Beers has on marriage proposals. They’ve even got your friends.
It’s time to take that time back and give your taste buds a break, forever.
Impress your peers
A berjillion dollars isn’t cool. Hard work is.
Remember, pre-enlightenment, when the pinnacle of social status used to be defined by silly, expensive, tasteless things, like maybe a Ferrari? Well, post-enlightenment, it’s hard work and exercise.
Do you work 60 hours a week at your reddit-meets-tinder-but-with-big-data-or-something startup/(app), and then work another 18 hours at the gym? Of course you do, enlightened one. With barely enough time to poop and sleep, where will you find time to cook and eat?
What if you never had to worry about food again?
Food is hard. Imagine how much more hard work you could get in if you didn’t have to worry about food. That 60 hours could bump up to 68, or that 18 could jump to 26, according to BLS statistics on how much time we waste on food. Or maybe you could spend time optimizing away the time required to acquire your future girlfriend.
Enjoy a 26 hour day
Go tasteless. Get your 26 hour day now.
Buy Rational Foods Today!
You might not be single forever
Note: Neither Soylent nor Mealsquares make any public claims that I could find, beneficial or otherwise, about using their product for the complete nutrition of women, especially those expecting or nursing, children, teenagers, the elderly, or people with medical conditions, including malnutrition. I think it’s probably optimized for healthy males, aged 20–40-ish, or in the words of Soylent: “All Adults”, but I don’t have a B.S. in Electrical Engineering like Rob, so I probably shouldn’t comment.
Please proceed at your own risk just in case.
Quotes are graciously borrowed from soylent.me and mealsquares.com.
