Completely Truthful Answers to Lady Engineer Questions

To save tech journalists some time, I put together a comprehensive FAQ on behalf of all women in tech. You’re welcome.

Q: How do you balance being a mother and an engineer?
A: I keep my children in a specially constructed cage under my desk.

Q: Silicon Valley is known for its obsession over youth. Do you feel that there’s extra pressure on your appearance?
A: I appear young because I routinely bathe in the blood of my enemies.

Q: What special obstacles have you had to overcome as a woman?
A: My boobs weigh me down while I type. I do special back stretches.

Q: What do you wear to the office?
A: Our lawyers insist on clothes, so I usually stick with that.

Q: Are women naturally better at empathizing with users’ needs?
A: Yes. Men are unthinking, unfeeling creatures made of steel. Oh — wait. Sorry, did I say “men”? I meant “robots.” Don’t hire robots as UX designers.