My Why
I have finally started to understand my Why: My purpose, what I want in life, the reason I get out of bed in the morning, the reason I work hard, the reason I continue through difficulties, what I want to work towards and how burning my desire is to possess it.
My Why acts as a guiding principle that I can always look to when I am lost, stuck, or more frequently, distracted. It is my North Star, my Polaris.
I am lost without it and have no sense of direction in my goals, daily work and desires. I wake up in the morning with no desire to achieve or no understanding of what I want to achieve. I am a car driving down hill, with no steering, acceleration or breaks. I am just going with the flow.
It took a lot of work to get to a level of understanding myself and my desires. And here isn’t a destination, it is a continued journey that requires a constant reminder.
I was not always this confident in knowing what I wanted in life. I knew the basic premise of my desires, but I got to this point of clarity just a few weeks ago after months of desiring, working, changing directions and self-reflecting.
What is My Why?
My biggest desire, my journey in life is to work for myself; to have a business, or startup that I am able to dedicate my life to. This desire has a direct implication on the rest of my life, not just the aspect of waking up and going to work. I want to work for myself because I want to build something that’s important in the world, something that I love, am passionate about and believe in. I do not want the easy way out in life with an inherited family business. I want to fail, grow and learn continuously, again and again.
My Why is centred entirely around Freedom and Values. Why do I want to work for myself, running a business, instead of continuing to work for someone else?
I want the freedom to:
- Work on something I love
- Work wherever I want to, without being tied to a particular desk
- Travel whenever I want to, without a 14-day/year leave restriction
- Work the time I want to, whether it’s the weekend, evenings, early mornings or to start the day late
- Work on the things that are important to me and that have a direct impact on my goals
- Set my morning routine
- Decide the fate of my salary (where possible), without having a ceiling for “what I am worth”
- Be there to see my child-to-be, grow
- Love, cherish, grow and learn with my wife
- Attend family and religious events globally
- Express my creativity
- Put my name on something in the world
- Wake up each morning loving what I do and loving what I’m working towards
It’s nearly impossible to achieve all of these points in collaboration with each other while working in a corporate environment. And I may be asking for “a lot”, but I believe it’s 100% achieveable.
Why Do I Want This?
Before moving from London to Asia, I worked for a Danish company that created their own enterprise email solution. I worked for them for 5 years. I loved the product, knew it in and out, presented to and won 1000+ customers, had responsibilities for 11 countries and grew the business. I put myself in the forefront for a brand new email application being created internally, marketed it, project managed it and lived it for 18 months. I learnt so much. After increasing my responsibilities, and asking for a promotion/raise, I got an increase of £72 per year, after waiting 2 years for an answer. I also realised very late in the process that when the new application was released, my name wouldn’t be anywhere on it. It’s the company name without any reference to me. I believed the world would know my name.
I had the flexibility of working from home for 5 years and was the most productive I’ve ever been. I loved my job, but things started to change in me over the last few years. I grew bored of London. After missing multiple important family events in Asia (my entire family is from Asia), after the new application was released and I couldn’t put my name on it, and didn’t get the promotion I desired, and after Brexit, I started to think about life differently.
I decided to make a change. I decided to move to Malaysia; to move back home to where I was born. I could pursue my desire to have my own business, be closer to all of my family (and my wife could be closer to hers) and the fresh perspective on cultural changes could potentially spark my ambition again. I approached my company to let me transfer from my role in Europe to the same role in Asia. I ultimately still loved the company and I quickly realised I couldn’t be naive to give up a paying job without any indication that my side business would work. Moving to a new country is an expensive experiment.
The company agreed in October 2016 after multiple interviews, but I had to wait till January for the contract (the month I moved) due to them wanting to meet me in Japan. My biggest mistake was my naivety in not applying for other jobs in Asia because in my head, this was already confirmed and I didn’t need a backup plan. I was just waiting for the contract.
In October, the terms of agreement dictated that I could work from Malaysia (from home) while travelling to Singapore frequently to work in the office. I received the contract in February after many forms of negotiation, which included a change in the clause. I had to take a salary cut (45%) because I was moving to a cheaper country (Malaysia), but I wouldn’t be able to live in Malaysia because I didn’t have a working visa and therefore had to live in Singapore (I have a working visa there because my wife is Singaporean) which is where the office is based, but my salary wouldn’t reflect that change because suddenly, the company couldn’t justify paying me my desired salary. I was (and still am) therefore getting paid very much below market value, have no commission (as someone in a sales role), and had already committed to a years’ worth of rent for my apartment in Malaysia, including broadband, phone lines, etc. I wasn’t going to move back to London just because this wasn’t working out the way I had imagined but it did leave a very sour taste.
For a variety of reasons, Singapore is not a country I would ever live in. I moved from London to Malaysia (where I was born) and living in Singapore was never part of that. I did all of this (renting an apartment, etc) because of a written confirmation in October that I a) got the job, b) got the salary I required and c) could work from home in Malaysia and come to Singapore every few weeks to work with the manager.
If I compare this to what I desire. there are some critical discrepancies. I am not working on something I love as the company focus has changed from enterprise email to firewalls and antivirus products. In fact, I am working now on something I have a hatred for after 4 years of working with antivirus products. I cannot work from home because the managers do not understand that concept. I took a holiday to Europe after my probation and have 1 day leave remaining till March 2018. I’m tied to the working hours dictated in Singapore. I have no decision in the fate of my salary and get 2 days paternity leave for when my child is to be born, at the end of the year. I’ve missed family events, including funerals, births and weddings while not being allowed to travel to Malaysia during the week and I have had to take multiple 5am flights to get to work on time on Monday morning after spending the weekend in my apartment in Malaysia. That has taken a toll on my health. I am paying rent for an apartment I see for 7 days a month.
As difficult as this is, I remind myself frequently that I signed up for this, for moving to Asia. Not one person told me to make this move. People even discouraged me from it, but it was my own desire to follow through with itl; my own experiment and my own set of risks. I could have stayed in London and had things back to the way I liked. I could have remained comfortable and upped myself to a higher paying job.
If the advice from successful people has taught me anything, it’s that’s you have to take a risk to fulfil what you want in life. And I knew I would regret not making this move to Asia because things weren’t the way I planned or if I moved back to London after one setback. Maybe Asia won’t work for me, but I have to try. And the job in Asia, in the bigger picture, is merely one of the paths on my journey. I could quit and be stressed about finances, or I could carry on with it while working on my side project until things sustain themselves. I also know this job, is not the only job in the world.
Distractions
With a very strong desire to start my own business and get out of this job, I had fallen victim to my own distractions that did a commendable job with taking me away from my goals. When planning the move to Malaysia, it was on the basis of seeing a gap in the market for a high quality Application Development organisation making applications for SMEs. I have developed two applications and worked on the $7 million dollar project for the new enterprise email application for the company I worked for, so I could provide a value-added service of project managing the Applications for SMEs. I could hire developers and manage the projects from the start to finish.
Over the last few years, I have also had an idea for a Productivity Consultancy; teaching executives to be productive with technology. I performed this training informally to 12 executives in London and saw a surprisingly big requirement for this in Asia. But when I came back from Malaysia in July 2016 to excitedly tell my wife that I think we’re going to move to Malaysia, I told her it was because “I have an idea to create a high-end Application Development Company making apps for SMEs in Malaysia and there’s a big market for it”.
My desire to get out of this job was high before moving to Malaysia, but much higher after the change in contract and at this point, I let my emotions take over. The Application Development business was meant for Malaysia and the Productivity Consultancy was meant for Singapore (cultural differences would never let a Productivity Consultancy work in Malaysia). Instead of concentrating on the Application Development business though, I spent 45 days working on the Productivity Consultancy in Singapore. The job dictated that I had to remain in Singapore and so with the idea of making lemonade, I figured it would be smart to work on the Productivity Conslutancy in Singapore because I had to remain there anyway. Perhaps this could kick off.
I wrote a business plan, met with government officials, did research on becoming a Certified Consultant for training and began to understand the complex Grant system. In Singapore, SMEs are provided with grants, or funding, for everything; starting up, “productivity”, technology, computers, printers, flexible working, working with elders, training, coaching and many more aspects of business. It’s reached a point where companies are spoilt and cannot actually function without it. I met Marketing personnel who indicated the importance of tackling grant systems and how important it would be to offer that as my service. I would effectively be charging $5,000 for a course, but the government grant would take care of 90–100% off that payment, leading the client to a free or almost free course. After 45 days, I began to finally realise how high the barriers to entry were. I needed to:
- Have a track record
- Be a certified consultant (which costs $8,000)
- Find people who would be interested in this, subject to getting a grant
- Find executives who would pay for it without a grant
There was a 6 month waiting period to becoming a certified consultant and an extremely expensive course that required me to take two weeks off work. I surveyed 45 executives in different industries and the general consensus was: “I’ll do the course if I can get a grant because then it’s free for me, but otherwise, I’m not paying for it. I don’t see any value in it”.
I lost my focus for almost two months while concentrating on this business because of the circumstance of being stuck in Singapore. Instead of finding a way to be in Malaysia (as per my original desire), I was finding any way out of Singapore, or out of my current job. After realising the high barriers to entry, afew moments of self-reflecting really helped me through this and I kept my focus back on the Application Development Business; to the original reason I moved to Malaysia. I kept this focus for a few weeks, till I received a very distracting call from Prudential; they wanted to hire me for a Project Manager position and called me for an interview (they found me through LinkedIn).
Without seeing the bigger picture and having a clear understanding for my Why, I took the interview without hesitation. Under a new CEO in Asia, Prudential managers had a blank cheque to go out and find the right team, to build up some of the older products and have a stamp on the new ones. The interview went very well. My manager-to-be called in his Manager and conducted the second interview straight away. I got offered the position on the spot.
I was excited but had a strange feeling inside. I self-reflected again and asked myself if this is what I really wanted. On one hand, I’d be getting out of the current job and getting a higher salary and I’d be getting that straight away, but on the other hand:
- I’d have to work from Singapore, from an office with 4000 other people
- How would I move to Malaysia?
- How would I work from home?
- The Singapore culture dictates working for 12–14 hours per day and in a new company, I have to prove myself and work the extra mile
- I’d be selling insurance, not an application. I’d be working on something I have very little care for
- Where would I have time for my business, or my family?
The last question was my main reflection point. I realised this offer wasn’t for me and made a very difficult call to inform them that I appreciated the opportunity, but this role wasn’t for me. I was very honest and mentioned how there’s things I want in life and working at Prudential (or any big company) would not help me towards my goals. They were disappointed. Not because I am an amazing candidate (I’m not), but because they had to go out and start the process again. They thought it was a negotiation tactic and they actually upped the offer. This was painful. The original offer was 225% more than what I am getting now and after my phone call, they upped it to 275%.
But I said no.
I want the freedom that comes with a business. And rejecting that offer from Prudential was potentially one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. If I didn’t know what I actually want or have a clear defintion of my Why, I’d be writing a very different story today, as a Prudential employee. But I started understanding myself and my Why. I started to understand what I wanted. I knew I would be unhappy with this role. I would be overworked, I’d be stuck in Singapore, I wouldn’t get to work on my business and wouldn’t get to spend time with my wife and child-to-be. I’d have a bit more money (a lot more), but none of the freedom I desired.
My Why centres around freedom instead of money; I’m starting or want to start my own business because of the freedom it brings, rather than because “I want to be rich”. And with freedom, I understand the paradox. Ironically, working for myself will bring less freedom than I’d have in a position at a company. With my own business, I understand I’d be on all the time, reacting to bad situations and needing to check my email even at beaches and in jungles. I understand that. But I still want it. When I say freedom, it’s the freedom to be at that beach answering the emails without a leave restriction, to work from a coffee shop, to take 11am flights instead of 5am, to workout in the morning and start work later somedays if I’m tired. I’d have very clearly defined goals to work towards instead of someone else defining my goals. That’s the freedom I desire.
A relative once told me he loves working for someone, because he couldn’t take the stress of wondering where the money will come from if he doesn’t perform. Regardless of what happens in a month, he is guaranteed a salary. He gets to turn off in the evenings, weekends and holidays. And while that may sound good, it’s the polar opposite of what I desire.
I am not just starting this business for the sake of it because it’s the “in” thing to do. I am building an Application Development Business because I want to empower Malaysian organisations and SMEs to understand the power of corporate applications for their business, without extortionate fees. My eventual goal is to have one application that I am working on, on a full time basis. I am planning a service to connect the world in a visual way and am working hard towards that goal and I will continue to build applications for SMEs in Malaysia till I get there.
Self-Reflection
I recently sat in the offices of a company while installing a software (my day job) for them and was sitting opposite a full-glass window, looking into the office and day of the Financial Officer. I watched her for almost 2 hours. Because I had just meditated and self-reflected earlier that morning and had found the journey of my Why a few weeks earlier, I saw her with different eyes.
She opened a spreadsheet, filled in one column and closed it again. She sent an email. Went on Facebook. Scanned a file. Replied to a few text messages. Had someone interrupt her during another spreadsheet column addition and then got distracted because of that new “urgent” requirement. She opened a filing cabinet, found a letter, scanned it, got a phone call and got distracted again. This time she went into a word document. She opened the spreadsheet again, forgot which column she was working on and spent 10 minutes trying to figure it out. She wrote a post-it note to herself, and stuck it to the one remaining inch on her monitor (I guess this was her task management system). She ate lunch at her desk while watching YouTube videos. Her manager came into her office and asked her to perform an urgent task. She put down her half eaten sandwich to type (no wonder keyboards have some of the highest level of germs) up a letter which she spent the next 46 minutes on (I timed it). But because she was half-way through lunch and was probably annoyed at having to do the task right now, she probably had no creativity left in her which is why what should have been a 15 minute task was taking her longer than 45 minutes. Her manager came in after 50 minutes and asked why it wasn’t done yet. She looked upset. She threw her sandwich away because it was now cold. She pulled out a chocolate from her bag to have as her lunch. The original person who came in earlier also wondered why the task she requested wasn’t complete (scanning a file and sending it on).
This for me was a mind-blowing experience because it solidified everything I do not want in my life. In a 2 hour span, she went from one task to another, with no aim. She compromised her health by not walking or going out of the same environment for lunch and by not actually finishing her lunch. Or replacing it with a chocolate. Even though she’s entitled to a lunch break, she had to give that up for her boss’s time. The frustration she had (which was very visible) would have just remained within, potentially coming out on her family later.
Apart from the health and frustration issues, it really struck me that she performed exactly zero tasks that had any progress towards her goals or her desires. When you’re working for someone, it’s almost impossible to dedicate anytime towards your goals. Perhaps the perils of working for someone may have taken away any ambitions you once had. She worked on tasks for the company and had no drive to finish one task without getting distracted. Ultimately, if the spreadsheet did not get completed today, she can apologise and get it done the next day. There’s usually no implication of “under-performing” for a few days. It’s when you under-perform for a few weeks or months that managers start to take notice but it’s relatively easy to get away with a few days of “I was so busy and swamped that I didn’t have time to do the spreadsheet.”
This definitely is not the case for everyone and there are millions of people who love their job, find it fulfilling and who are working towards a bigger goal. However the desire to continue working for someone is no longer a candle that burns inside of me. I now cannot imagine working on tasks like this, without a goal, or with my manager making me skip or stop lunch. Nothing is that urgent. And that experience solidified my Why, and helped me understand what I want. In fact, I have a list of AntiGoals that I want to adhere to:
- No long and unnecessary meetings
- No 5am flights
- No skipped lunches
- No staying beyond what I’m contracted to
- No last minute presentations
These AntiGoals are all related to my current job, because with the flexibility and freedom of running my own business, I would never set long meetings, 5am flights or last minute presentations (I’d be prepared), and I’d work from wherever I want to.
Keep Goals in Check
I have a system in place to remind me of my Why on a daily basis. I am reminded of my Why every time I open up my task management application, Todoist. I have multiple projects (for all of the things I am working on), labels which represent the type of work that’s required: “agenda”, “documentation”, “errands”, “learn”, “research”, etc and I have multiple filters. With each task I create, I make sure to assign a priority to it. Using the Eisenhower Matrix, I have created a system to help me understand which tasks I should be working on with 4 priorities: High, Medium, Low and No Priority.
As per the Eisenhower Matrix, the high priority tasks are only things that are urgent and important - this is a task that has missed a deadline or a task that’s so urgent, a fire will start if I don’t complete it. I aim to limit these types of tasks. The medium priority is where I spend majority of my day, with my new Why mindset. These are the tasks that are important, but not urgent and they represent the small steps towards the bigger goal.
The low and no priority tasks are related to things I have to do for my job, or things I want to do like “clearing twitter lists, cleaning twitter starred lists”, etc. These are tasks that have no direct impact on my goals.
As per the habits of successful people, I plan each day the night before and aim to have 10–12 tasks only for the entire day, including medium and low priority tasks. This habit of planning the night before is important because it means I can get to my computer at 8am (after my other morning routines) and get started on the biggest, hardest tasks. Prior to this new system, I would spend the first hour of the day figuring out what I want to be doing. Now I know what I need to do to progress.
As an example to illustrate this point, today I have the following important but non urgent tasks that I’d like to get done to progress with my goals:
- Watch AdWord videos to understand the analysis
- Brainstorm other possible AdWord Campaigns for the Subtera website
- Email Daria to ask how much it would cost to have a company portfolio created and what she requires from me
- Brainstorm the single sentence pitch
- Email Jason with a quote for his Bluetooth Application Development project and arrange a time face-to-face meeting
There’s a lot of work for me to get to a point of running my own business (including actually making money on the side business), but I am taking important steps to get there. There have been challenges and there will continue to be more, but having my Why as a guiding principle helps keep me in check; it helps me understand how to push through the harder days. Finding my Why has been the most important thing I have done in the last 6 months.
What is your Why? Have you found it yet?
