10 Things we’re losing our shit over

Tony Abbott talks burqa, everyone who has seen his budgie smugglers loses their shit

“fairly confronting form of attire and frankly I wish it weren’t worn“

Realising he’s only popular with idiots when he really supports idiotic behaviour, Tony “Slow Wink” Abbott has told reporters he supports a ban on burqas in in parliamentary buildings and it’s assumed the garment will be banned in these buildings as early as next week.

He then added he finds the burqa “fairly confronting form of attire and frankly I wish it weren’t worn”.

Let’s break this down really quickly:
- Tony doesn’t get to tell people what they can’t wear
_ there has been ONE case in Australia of a crime committed that focused on the use of a hijab (not a burqa as it covers the head, not the face) and it wasn’t related to terrorism, it was a woman making a false declaration about police
- Wearing a burqa? Pretty damn rare in Australia. Like very rare.
- As said previously, trying to ban the burqa is unconstitutional
- Abbott has already admitted there is no record of anyone wearing a burqa trying to enter a parliament building ever
- As if there is enough diversity in white, male politics to let in a muslim woman wearing a burqa
- Do we really think someone about to commit an act of terrorism would wear an item of clothing that would immediately paint them as a potential terrorist?
- Raising the flag for Team Australia? Team Australia includes women from the Muslim community. Get the fuck used to it.

You know what’s actually confronting? This obsession with the burqa and telling women what to wear and pretending it’s not racist, sexist, prejudiced garbage dressed up in some fake urgent national security bullshit.

In case you were wondering, The Vine has already told you about 18 items of clothing more confronting than the burqa.

Since the terror alert has been raised to high, more crimes have been committed against the Australian Muslim community than there has been acts of terror on Australian soil…ever.

Australia needs some kind of garment to hide our prejudice and ignorance. Unfortunately we don’t have anything large enough to cover it.

First ebola case diagnosed in America, everyone loses their non-virus shit

An unidentified man has been diagnosed with ebola in America and, wouldn’t you know it, everyone is losing their collective shit despite not contracting the virus.

According to Thomas Frieden, director of the Centre for Disease Control, the man “came from Liberia on September 19 and began to develop symptoms on September 24. He first sought care on the 26th of September and on the 28th was admitted in Texas.”

He’s not the first person to be treated for ebola in the US, however, as 4 US aid workers and 1 doctor developed the virus while volunteering in West Africa. They are now being treated in various medical facilities in Atlanta and Nebraska.

Zachary Thompson, a health official in Dallas dismissed concerns about the virus spreading by reminding journalists America has rich, white people around. “This is not Africa. We have a great infrastructure to deal with an outbreak.”

Now, if that sounds a bit too snarky for your morning, consider that 4 US people who contracted ebola have since recovered, despite the virus having a mortality rate ranging from 25–90%.

Though ebola takes close contact with infected bodily fluids to spread, the US has reacted totally calmly to the news and in no way spent the past 24 hours googling “I sharted Taco Bell…do I have ebola?”

People have lost their shit too much to look after 3,700 ebola orphans

Meanwhile in Africa, the UN reports that 3,700 children orphaned by ebola are neglected because people are too afraid to look after them.

Now, given the amount of children orphaned by ebola is set to double and Guinea has already identified 60,000 vulnerable children, this is a troubling development.

UNICEF is trying to raise $200m to provide emergency care to children affected by Ebola but has only received a quarter of its target amount because it’s a war against neglect and not the way more sexy war against terror, for which we have unlimited funds.

This is what fear does, Tenners, and fear is a virus with devastating impact.

George “Bigot” Brandis doesn’t want you to lose your shit, lights some super relaxing candles, plays you r&b.

Hey, feeling scared? Shush now. George “Bigot” Brandis doesn’t want to feel fear, unless it’s politically advantageous for him.

That’s the basic thrust of his speech yesterday at the National Press Club when he told people to calm their farms and trust him that no one will be worse off under his new security laws.

Could these new laws be used to hide embarrassing government acts and silence journalists? Nu-uh, babes, says Savage Brandis. Despite specific legislation making it an offence to publish material about special operations, Brandis gave everyone a super creepy shoulder rub and said “it’s not a law about journalists, it’s a law of general application about the disclosure of something which ought not for obvious reasons to be disclosed”. See babe? Totally different.

Losing your shit over feminism? Be shit-loss-free with this male-friendly version that keeps women down.

Karl Lagerfeld, fashion designer, idiot and inspiration for Slenderman, has turned his eye to feminism. HURRAH! Finally, those ugly man-hating feminists can look pretty while they try to ruin the fun for everyone!

Everyone’s favourite horse-eating, sizist monument to all that is fatuous staged a mock protest as fashion show of women bearing feminist slogans not seen since they were part of Lagerfeld’s twee dreams about what women are like. You can tell it was of the moment because it included a reference to “He For She”.

Obviously, all the women were wearing Chanel clothes echoing the feminist maxim that “a woman needs a Chanel suit like a fish needs a polyester jumpsuit sold to them at inflated prices”.

It’s always great to know the endless work many feminists put in trying to acheive structural and social equality across the gender spectrum can be a fun chance at dress ups! Dress ups you’ll never be able to afford! Dress ups you statistically won’t be able to fit into! But hey! Feel happy — all those weekends at clinic defense, getting sexist abuse hurled at you at protests or turning up to support abuse victims face off against a patriarchal legal system are suddenly FASHION and FASHION is FANCY AS FUCK.

Feminism: you know it’s becoming more mainstream when noxious, white-collared fuckturds are trying to appropriate it like every other culture they’ve appropriated before to present more hyper-inflated consumables a group who still don’t earn dollar for dollar to men.

An article over at the Guardian says it would be naive to consider Lagerfeld’s bullshit offensive because art, but quite frankly seeing this stunt as anything but offensive is naive.

Meanwhile, Iceland is having a UN meeting about feminism with no chicks invited.

Chinese government loses their shit over terrorist pigeons

Source: Diego Azubel/EPA

As someone deathly afraid of birds (there will be a test on this later), I’m in favour of hating birds. It’s obvious that one of them will one day mistake me for a mouse and then I will die a pecked death and you will all be sorry for laughing at me.

China obviously fears the same (maybe not the mouse bit) because it has ordered Chinese security officials to search 10,000 pigeons for explosives before releasing them into Tiananmen Square as part of a symbol of peace. Yup, every butthole, leg and feather was checked for anything vaguely explosive. The process was also recorded on video, which would undoubtedly become a YouTube hit were it soundtracked with the Benny Hill theme song, Yakety Sax (it makes everything funnier — look).

Unaware of the pigeon threat to FREEDOM and TEAMAUSTRALIA, it’s unknown how Australian politicians will ban all pigeons from parliamentary buildings. Bernardi’s ready to give it a try because his speeches indicate he can speak part bird brain.

Australian Government loses shit over budget, tries something new

Given no one wants to vote in one of the most shitful budgets ever shart its way into Australian society, the PM has conceded that a revised version may be presented.

Thinking everything that sounds like war wins with the Australian public, Sulkin’ Joe Hockey told ABC radio the proposed changes weren’t a sign of defeat: “if you can win a battle, you take that victory but you never give up on the war and in this case we are absolutely determined to stop the trajectory Labor left of the debt going to $667bn in 10 years”.

Julie Bishop rewarded Hockey for alluding to war and hating on Labor and gave him a special biscuit, which made him feel happy and included for the first time in months, writing it down in his book “Youse are all meanies: Joe Hockey’s real autobiographwaronterroismography”.

Special treats aside, this may tie into a number of bills set to be introduced today by everyone’s favourite cup of overly diluted cordial, Kevin Andrews, Minister for Social Services and Fun Policing.

Hollywood has lost its shit, makes live action film about Tetris

In a sign that no concept is too stupid to be captured on film, they’re making a live action movie based on Tetris.

Noting concerns that they were potentially idiotic dickweeds who needed an intervention, Larry Larry Kasanoff, CEO of Threshold Entertainment told the Wall Street Journal that “it’s a very big, epic sci-fi movie. This isn’t a movie with a bunch of lines running around the page. We’re not giving feet to the geometric shapes”.

So, just like Battleship. Which did really, um, well, really, at the the box office.

No news about script writers, directors or actors but — in news I made up in my head — Shia LeBeouf hopes to take the coveted role of the t-shape that is really annoying, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck duke it out to see who can be the long, thin blue bit.

NASA loses its shit over magic Islands in the streams

Saturn’s Titan moon keeps teasing NASA’s Cassini spacecraft by showing a bit of “island” in a hydrocarbon lake only to hide it again. Then show it. Then hide it! God, we can keep playing this game all day.

Dubbed the “magic island” by scientists, it’s unknown what the mass is, which appears to change shape every time it is photographed.

Scientists are trying to be completely cool about it, saying it could be rising bubbles or solids or even waves, but we know better.

There’s only one explanation:


Tenners, we may need to have a Battle Royale for who gets this job because it is without question the best job in the world.


Republished from “10 Things” at the Vine

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