Questions

Nisa
Nisa
Sep 2, 2018 · 2 min read

My mind resembles a labyrinth with unresolved exit. I am guarded with high fences, corners, and dead-end road blocks. As I am paving through, I keep looking upwards, wondering what it is like to be in a higher position, high enough to see clearly and find out where the roads lead me to.

But isn’t life supposed to be filled with question marks?

Of What Ifs and How Ifs. Of Whys and What’s next. Of Who and Where will it be. With each passing days, I always forget to take a moment and breath, to cherish what is happening. To cherish the very life I am given to. To be grateful for the people I am surrounded by. But I have always been anxious of tomorrows, that I forgot to live in the moment….

I have always been too coward to submit to my own feelings — every time I fell for someone, I always question myself, am I entitled for the rights to admire someone? What makes me deserve to be loved? Will someone, ever, get to a point where he is willing to wake up at 2 AM to listen to my insecurity, wildest thoughts, and stupidest dreams? To what extent do I have to wear a mask so that someone will love me? Do I always have to, adjust, to someone else’s standard and types to be desired?

Will I ever be resilient enough, once again, if I get hurt?

And all the dreams I once dreamed appeared like a distant memory — so far I don’t get to imagine how beautiful it would be if it ever realized. For I started to think that I do not deserve to dream too big..

I am bruised.

By my own complex mind, continuous low self-esteem, and overly cautious to cross the border and explore the uncharted territory. Deep down, I wanted to live as a person with a heart so spacious that she is able to understand reasons behind every heartbroken, failures, disappointment, and departure of people who are dear to her heart. Deep down, I wanted to be understood and encouraged for all the dreams I have, and failures for not giving my best. Deep down, I wanted to be forgiven…for how childish, selfish, and stupid I have been….

and I keep on seeking for approval. Of the person I wanted to become.

I do not know, when will I ever get to have faith in myself again — or if I ever will. Unfortunately, I do not think it is safe to say that.. At times when I feel down, losing direction, I am longing for a company, in whom I could reveal my unresolved pain and scars, who can tell me that,

it is safe

to have questions.

Nisa

Written by

Nisa

on befriend the unknown.