Baggage
I don’t remember your face
but your last words linger around still
reminding me I’m incapable of being loved
How every pause after I in any of my relationships
Freaks me out
That boy from the neighbourhood is so kind to me
But I’m scared he won’t love me when he gets to know me
I don’t know where you went
But the noise of the door shutting behind you
still echoes
Stopping me to let another inside again
He keeps asking me out for movies and ice skating
But I always shut him down-Im always busy
My hands don’t remember your touch
But the bruises you left don’t heal
touch of another unleashes the pain
The other day, we got too close
I could feel the ground shaking
That’s how strongly I felt in that moment
And I almost tripped
He held my hand to save me
I pulled out right away and ran home
I wasn’t crying
I don’t fucking remember how you smell
Neither do I remember how tall you are
I can’t even recall the colour of your eyes
But each day, each moment
Your manifest words come back to me
And I believe it
I’m convinced when momma doesn’t ask if I’ve eaten after
I come back home from a long day at work
Or when brother doesn’t talk about things that bother him anymore
I believe you when my best friend doesn’t call me any longer
Because Im always asking for attention and I’m a self-centred bitch
I believe it when Papa doesn’t call me from his business trips
I never looked at things this way,
I always assumed reasons to reason why people behaved a certain way around me
But after you left that day
I realised what you said might be true
Maybe it’s difficult to love me
And it’s an easier thing to understand
But harder to endure
It’s difficult to live with it
It’s punishing to exist remembering
That there isn’t going to be any brave heart
To love me with my flaws
To know me and not think I’m a monster
Unconsciously I started withdrawing my emotions
And I have lost so many relationships over the past few years
All because I’m scared to feel too strongly
Because I know what it all comes down to
and I’m weary of this monotonous routine that follows
All my connections
I don’t beg people to stay anymore
Because the last time I did
You told me you couldn’t stay because you couldn’t love me
I’m terrified to hear others say it too
So I never let them that close
I never open the door
He keeps knocking, you know
And I hear him loud and clear
But I can’t stop hearing your words too
And the sound of the door shutting behind you.
