The next day, we were a bunch of girls at Visual Studies canteen at KU when I received a call from J. Mum has told J and he’s disappointed that I didn’t trust him enough to tell him this. Even more disappointed because he had to hear it from another person.

I was super pissed at mom.

I couldn’t believe she spilled the biggest secret of my life.

I could no longer sit there in peace and pretend as if nothing has happened for the next hour or so. Without giving anyone a second look, I stormed out of the department. I set out and for the first time in years, I was scared about this. About being gay. Well, not about being gay as much as about what J will do next. It’s not that I didn’t want J to know this, ever, I did and I tried at least three times but I thought J wouldn’t find it acceptable. So I refrained. I would’ve eventually come out to J when I’m ready but now, my mother had robbed me of the opportunity and left me with fear and frustration.

I played Born This Way on repeat on the way to help the fear part, and I focused on the words ‘Believe Capital H.I.M.’ reminding me to hold on to Him. Hold on to the fact that it’s going to be okay. Hold on the fact that He promised it will. And to trust in His powers. I did and found hope. And it was worth it. Because when I reached home, J told me all he’s upset about is that I didn’t trust him enough to come out to him and that he had to learn about it from my mother and not me. And that’s when all that anger and fear shed into tears and I fell into his lap, cried and apologized. I regretted not being totally honest with him. That’s the only thing I regretted about coming out — the dishonesty part.

He comforted me that it’s okay. That it is really okay. The being gay part. That he thinks it’s totally acceptable. That it’s the circle of life. Some like iPhones and some like Android. He said that. I get that he understand this. I get that he’s on my side. I’m relieved that he didn’t go all religious on my ass, which I told him I expected, which is why I refrained from telling him this in the first place. He told me it was just in my head and if I’m sure about anything, he’d support me, which I know is true because he has before.

And now that I know that he finds it acceptable, I told him everything like I told mom everything that night. We talked about various aspects of gay life, boys, relationships, encounters, sex, marriage, albeit vaguely but I’m glad we talked about it and I’ll be even happier if we talk about it more often, as if it’s normal, like he said, the circle of life.

My relief is indescribably incredible. Charlie would say, in that moment, I swear, I felt infinite.

The last thing I did before leaving was talk to mom about how inappropriate it was for her to tell that to J because I felt like being pushed out of the closet. “He’s your brother” was her obvious justification for it. I told her, this action of her wasn’t something she could justify like that since it’s not her secret to share. She accepted, apologized and I accepted her apology with an embrace. Although I find no excuse to be acceptable for something like that but I know where it came from a place of love and care and it did me no harm, this time. I understood that. But I made her promise me that she is not going to tell that to anyone like that.

I know she’s making an effort and I know it may take her some time to be truly okay with the fact that her son is gay, I’m patient ‘cause I know when things gets tough to make sense to her, she has J, and I trust him completely to make sense of things for her.

On the way back, I checked my Facebook and found there are 70 likes on my post in the secret gay group I wrote this morning from F’s laptop about coming out. I couldn’t believe they were celebrating me. Albeit virtually, these guys seemed to be celebrating me coming out and I never thought of something like coming out was something that people celebrate. I was so full of joy. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone care, which is why I didn’t even write any details, just small paragraph in the most neutral tone possible.

I couldn’t wait to get home. Had nafil e shukrana namaaz to offer.