The day I busted major taboos in our household
Two years after coming out, I finally spoke up to my family about the sexual harassment I’ve been experiencing. And that day, I busted all the taboos in our household forever: sexual abuse, domestic violence, menstruation and gay dating.
I’ve been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 18, and that made me more miserable ’cause I wasn’t a child, I was supposedly grown enough to save myself, but I couldn’t. I froze every time it happened and my mind played tricks on me. “Why would they do this to me? Why would they want to do that to a boy? Maybe I’m bringing this on my own. Maybe I attract this sort of behavior towards myself. That’s probably why.” These were the words that echoed inside my mind. And that mindset had been poisoning me ever since. Until this one night, when it happened to me again, except that this time, I wasn’t angry at myself.
(I’m so glad you were there that night, Shabeeh. You helped me find that voice of reason in my head, which could’ve easily been lost.)
“After all this time, why did you tell me this now? Why didn’t you tell me this when it happened?”, she asked.
“Ammi. Did you ever encourage me to talk about these things? You supported the stigma around everything that has to do with sex and you’re asking me why didn’t I tell you this before? I never spoke to you that this has been happening to me because I was scared. I was scared of how you might react. I was scared that you would blame me for it, that I brought it on myself, that I went to that place at that time where I shouldn’t. But Ammi, that’s just the fallacy about it: that it happens in certain places, because the truth is, it always happened to me on crowded roads in broad daylight. So do not blame me, do not blame time, do not blame the place, blame the people who do such things to people. They are the ones who need to be stopped. Not me. I don’t go out for the sole sake of being raped. It has nothing to do with how I walk, talk or dress. I don’t wear a sign that says Come and Rape Me. It’s just that I am alone that they seek; that their prey doesn’t have any company, hence, is defenseless. Ammi, I want that protection. I used to think that these kids who have their parents drive them to the shortest of distances for the littlest of things are just mummy-daddy, ’cause it all can be done without adult supervision and I’ve been doing so for as long as I can think of. But now, I am completely tired of it. Chinning up — I wish I didn’t have to chin up, I wish they had to chin down. I wish I had an elder brother but I don’t, and I don’t want you to drag yourself around for me either. But I hate going outside so much. I don’t want to do it anymore. I hate to such an extent that I’d rather give in to the rapist to let him kill me just so I don’t have to go out ever again.”
“I’m going to call your dad, so he takes care of his child!”, she said.
“No. I don’t feel safe with him. And I want you to stop acting like he’s a normal father because he’s not. I’ve never counted on him, and each time I have, I was disappointed. You’ve always been the responsible one, which is why you’re my go-to person, and never him. He should’ve taken his responsibility as one the day he became a dad, how can I expect him to do that after 20 years? He’s been an abusive father and husband and I want you to quit thinking that it’s normal or acceptable or that’s how men are, and take it as an anomaly. This is called domestic violence, and it’s far from normal and bringing the abuser back in my life will not protect but only endanger it, and I’ll have one more person to protect myself from.”
“Then what do you want me to do?”, she asked, feeling helpless.
“I don’t know. Yet. But I want you to end the stigma. Why do you use code words when you’re talking to my sister about menstruation? Are periods not normal? Then why do you talk about them as if they’re not? These taboos were created for you and now you’re recreating them for her and the cycle will continue unless it’s broken down right now. This is why I didn’t tell her to go to her room while we’re having this conversation. You cannot expect your child to talk to you about a problem if you make them feel ashamed about something as important as bodily functions. You have a son that puts himself out there to get things done, you have a daughter and another son. We are all sexual beings. And we live in a world where sexuality, molestation, rape, depression, are all realities.”
“But I never thought something like this would happen to my child.”, she said.
“Why not? Do we not live in a world where these things are realities? Why are you pushing us to live in this idea of “Pak” Pakistan that doesn’t exist? What good does that do to anyone? Can we please stop living like this from this day onwards?”
She needed this reality check. And I had to break it to her.
“What made me come out to you about this today after years of harassment is this: I’ve been educating myself. I’ve had a support group. I’ve had teachers who made me strong enough to take actions for myself. We are encouraged to talk about it out loud. We have a sex ed curriculum in the making to teach us how to deal with such situations. I need this. All of this. I need Habib. I need my friends. I need the kind of people and the kind of education I’m getting here. The support group that I have here. It all has been helping me heal. You can’t just put yourself in the closet and let it pile up.”
I cried badly when I told her about how I felt when I saw Gaga crying over the piano at the Oscars singing Till It Happens To You, joined by a group of rape survivors on stage, and how I could relate so much, and how the whole world got to know about it then including her grandparents, because it is never talked about. I told her how I wrote twice to an online magazine that publishes stories of sexual assault, and that it made me want to speak up. At one point when you’re just so done with it, you must tell yourself you’re no longer going to be a victim but a victor.
“Ammi, that night, I chose to get myself out of that situation. This has never happened to me before. This is consciousness and I’m going to use this consciousness to protect myself.”, I told her.
Abdullah started crying. I asked him what is he crying for. He said, “You are so lucky you get to tell all of this to your mom and the only thing she does is show you that she cares for you. If it were my mom, she would’ve kicked me out of the house had something like that happened to me and it’s not even my fault.” I told mom he’s also gay. And that he can never open up to his family about it because they’re religious conservatives who’d get him married. He told me that he’s afraid. And that he has feelings for me. It took him a semester to talk to me because he had the biggest crush on me and it made me super nervous when I’d be around. I told mom more about how we met. She smiled. The kind of smile that shows relief. She seemed happy that I have this one person who’s super close to me, makes me happy and feel safe, who’s my best friend, and my boyfriend, and that’s all okay. She told him he’s always welcome in our home, and how she won’t always make the food he likes because I told her he’s a picky eater and she said she’ll take care of that. I hope she does.
I thought brown parents aren’t okay with their kids dating, especially when the person you’re dating is of the same sex as you. But mom didn’t seem to be concerned about that. All she was concerned about was my safety and happiness. And when she was assured that I was happy and safe with him, she was relieved. No. She was happy.
On the way back, Abdullah smiled the brightest, something he’s been holding up in front of my mother because he’s shy and only truly expresses himself when we’re alone.
Me: “So, we just told my mom we’re together.”
Him: “I can’t believe that just happened and she actually welcomed me.”
Me: “So do you feel like you have a backup plan now?”
Him: “More like a primary plan.”
That’s how I should’ve felt about her, too. Like a primary plan. This talk proved it yet again that a parent’s primary concern is his/her child’s safety and happiness, not who they like sleeping with.
