There’s an amazing quote I recently heard while listening to an episode of The Tim Ferris Show podcast. The particular episode was titled “Productivity” Tricks for the Neurotic, Manic-Depressive and Crazy (Like Me). To say the title called to me would be an understatement.

The quote is from a commencement speech delivered by legendary author, Neil Gaiman. In it he says:

“The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself, that’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.”

This powerful quote hit my like a sack of bricks! And not only because it was a powerful quote.

But because it was a poignant quote.

In one moment, it made me realize that how I had been living life and doing business had been the total opposite of this.

But instead of getting discouraged when I realized how far I was from getting it, it actually encouraged and inspired me.

It inspired me to break the inertia of my lengthy writers block and commit to writing this series.

It inspired me to let go of my perfectionism for good and embrace my perfectly-flawed self.

It inspired me to take a leap of faith into unfamiliar and uncharted territory and embark on an Adventure in Vulnerability.

So what’s vulnerability for me?

Sharing my stories of struggle and suffering. Of addiction and anger.

Sharing my stories of failures, frustrations, fears, and first attempts.

But also sharing stories of success and serendipity. Of lessons learned from living life on the fringes.

And not for pity.

And not for praise.

But to inspire other young people who may also be going through difficult passages. Who also see the challenges we face as a global village, and want nothing more than to contribute to co-creating the solutions we so desperately need. Who also feel in every cell in their body that they’re here to serve a greater purpose than just themselves. But who also may be allowing their fears and doubts to hold them back from achieving their most intimate aspirations.

To start building a tribe. A Courage Community.

And… For my own need for adventure, of course.

Because this is a real adventure for me.

The adventure of doing something I’m not great at. Something I’m uncomfortable doing. Something I’ve never done before.

And still have firmness and faith that I’ll be fine. And that God (Universe, Source, whatever you want to call It) will guide and protect me wherever I go.

That’s how I’ve approached every other adventure I’ve ever been on. So today I choose to apply this same mindset to vulnerability.

Which is huge for me.

Because in the past, and for as long as I can remember, I have had a (VERY) difficult time being vulnerable.

Whenever I would consider being vulnerable, a real fight/flight response triggered. It usually came on as an intense feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I usually like that feeling, but not when it came from being vulnerable. And as silly as this sounds, even to me as I write this, exposing my imperfect self and letting my defenses down felt as if I was facing an actual life or death threat. Like I was walking into a battle against vicious enemies with no armor or weaponry to protect myself. (And only recently did I realize where these paranoid feelings came from. But more on that later.)

Which is quite ironic when you consider some of the other dangerous activities I dove into headfirst that could have caused me harm:

- I hitch-hiked in random cars across rural Cuba with no plan, map, travel experience, or comprehension of Spanish

- My very first scuba-dive (after getting my certification in a 10-foot lake in Ontario) was to 130 feet, with 7 large Bull Sharks, and no cage, while guides hand-fed and whipped them into a frenzy around our heads.

- I handled a venomous green tree viper in the remote jungles of Laos hundreds of kilometers from medical help (My Lonely Planet Southeast Asia on a Shoestring guide book said “If you need emergency medical attention in Laos, go to Thailand.”)

And countless reckless endeavours that could have led to serious injury, incarceration, or worse.

And although often nervous with excitement and aliveness, rarely did I feel in danger.

In hindsight, I was (and still am) addicted to the rush that came from pushing the safety envelope.

Some friends and family called me nuts. I always just thought of myself as courageous.

And I loved feeling courageous.

But when the start-up I was building started to struggle, I was too proud to admit that my ambition exceeded my ability to execute and manifest my vision. I was too proud to admit that I had made some less-than-wise decisions in the beginning and throughout the launch that impeded my success. I was too proud to admit I that I was failing. And I was way to proud to ask for help.

And as you can probably guess, my pride and perfectionism came together in a perfect storm that left me stuck in an discouraging place full of fear, doubt, and shame. And that’s when my downward spiral into addiction, depression, and suffering began.

Who I was being during that life/business down-swing was the total opposite of courageous. And yet I was building a business that was supposed to help people be more courageous.

Realizing the incongruence of my thoughts, words and actions created some confounding cognitive dissonance.

Since I had always thought of myself as courageous, the fact that I wasn’t being courageous when I most needed to be was a hard truth to swallow.

For years I had been learning about fear and courage. I read countless books on fear and courage. I wrote a research paper on fear and courage. I did interviews and surveys on fear and courage. I developed a coaching model and tools around fear and courage. I thought I knew courage and fear like the back of my hand.

But when I got stuck in the mire of fear and doubt myself, none of that helped. And the courage I thought I had didn’t have my back like I thought it did.

This desolate place of despair I found myself in forced me into a process of intense, painful, introspection. I had to delve deep into the dark recesses of my self to better understand my subconscious programming that my intuition told me was the source of my dismay.

So, after coming to the liberating realization that I had suffered for long enough, I started on the most transformational journey of self discovery and self healing I’ve ever been on.

My intention: to meet my fear, my shadow, my lower self face-to-face. To get to know it. To understand how it was hurt. To heal it. To forgive it. To free myself of its influence. And to turn my breakdown into a breakthrough.

I’m writing this post (and all future posts) as a result of this intentional, transformational work.

As a result of this work, I’ve been experiencing many mind-widening, soul-stretching epiphanies. But the first one that allowed me a glimpse down the rabbit hole of my subconscious was this:

I wasn’t actually being 100% courageous when I was pushing the envelope with my safety over the years. Sharking diving, hitchhiking, Steve Irwin’ing, drunken fights, criminality, etc. etc. etc. None of it required true courage from me. For the most part, I was always still in (or not very far out of) my comfort zone!

If this sounds odd, allow me to share more of my back story and elaborate on what courage is and how it works….

In the part 2 continuation of this series! ☺

Stay tuned!

P.S. I spent far longer on this post than I originally allotted. Mostly because of editing, revising, and perfecting. The recovering perfectionist in me desperately wanted to keep making it better. But good enough is my new perfect these days. Enjoy!

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