Classifying London’s cyclists.

A complex and nuanced task. This is a work in progress…

London seems to be enjoying a boom in cycle traffic. Heaven help the large proportion of careful drivers that have to hold their nerve as cyclists weave around them during the rush hour.

I’m one of those riders that swamps to the front of the lane when the lights turn red, taking the line of least resistance to make sure I’m amongst the first to roll away when the lights turn green (ok, barely on amber).

It’s at the front of the pack that you can spend 10 or 15 seconds looking at the other riders around you. It’s an interesting mix, with some obvious differences and some subtle variations. I’ll try to categorise them here, although I anticipate this will be a continually updating record…

The Boris (Tourist).

The first type of rider that needs identifying is The Boris. Straddling one of the horrible bikes that make up part of the excellent cycling scheme in the capital, these riders tend to be slow and unsure. This is in mostly due to the heavy and cumbersome bike, so most of this blame isn’t down to the rider. They’re also unsure of the roads, the traffic, and the best to position themselves on the road (not the middle of the road), and the best place to stop for photos (not the road at all).

The Boris (The Veteran).

There are other Boris riders that tolerate the terrible bikes in favour of the pure efficiency of the network. These riders tend to be better at riding the busy roads, but still always slow. They’re almost always dressed in suits.

The New Commuter (on a budget).

The Newbie is a rider who’s decided to take up riding after their GP advised them to get their 20 minutes of exercise a day, or simply to save petrol money. They aren’t particularily interested in cycling as a sport, and tend to ride around on old mountain bikes or cheap hybrids that the 19 year old sales assistant at Halfords told them would be ‘great for a first bike’. Most riders are not long for this group – they either change to a different classification, or leave the roads all together and return to public transport.

The New Commuter (on the Cycle to Work Scheme).

These riders can be a little harder to spot, as they’ll tend to be riding much shinier bikes, more often not a Specialized Allez or Giant Defy. Usually entry-level road bikes, these riders blend in with some of the Weekend Riders (see below) when sat at the lights. Only when they wobble away from the lights does their true classification become known.

The Enthusiast.

Riding has become an enjoyable pastime, and many New Commuter’s will become enthusiasts in time. They’re excited by the sport, and they’re now starting to buy extra equipment, such as jerseys, fingerless gloves, and padded shorts. All the while they’re still riding with their knackered old gym trainers and uncomfortable backpack, but at least they’re enjoying themselves.

The Weekend Rider.

Riders that enjoy longer rides at the weekend or evenings belong to a particularily nuanced group. There capabilities and their preferences of social riding can be seen in their commute to work. From here, I think it’s necessary to break down the groups further, into the following sub groups…

The Fanboy.

Fanboys are terrible to look at on the road. Putting their skills to one side, I can’t bear to look at anyone riding in full Team Sky kit, whilst wearing a bulging rucksack that’s bursting at the seams, filled with their non-iron suit, black brogues and tuna sandwiches. The only reason they do it is to let the rest of the office know they’re a cyclist now, and they’re welcome to ask about how many miles they rode at the weekend and which charity they need sponsorship for. Save the kit for the weekend, guys.

The Club Rider.

Club riders do things the other way around to Fanboys. They may wear an appropriate light top for the short 5 or 6 mile commute, but not their club jersey with matching bibs. Their experience is only given away by their muscle-memory clip in to their pedals and effortless acceleration (it’s not always explosive, but they’re saving it for the weekend).

The Connoisseur.

This rider will be tackling the streets an old Colnago or classic Pinarello, weaving effortlessly past anyone with less than 30 years of riding in their legs with almost no visible exersion. These riders are the bane of the New Commuter’s life, seemingly riding magical bikes powered by tiny hidden motors. They tend not to wear helmets, instead either a sensibly lengthed comb-over or a battered old cycling cap (peak up, of course).

The Hipster.

Now we switch to the trendy side of cycling in London. Absurdly fashionable and thin, Hipsters ride around on handlebars no longer than the width two fists. The credibility of their fixed wheel steeds is seemingly proportionate to the lack of brake levers they have available. The ultimate ride being a true fixie – no brake calipers and deep dish wheels.

There are more groups of riders out there waiting to be classified, and more specific sub-groups to be identified. If you know of one, or fit in one, let me know. In the mean time, I’m going to look back at these descriptions and see which most closely matches my style.

I so hope I’m not a Fanboy…