Dear 20 Something, This Is the One Piece of Advice You Need

Charmaine Griffin
Sep 6, 2018 · 8 min read

“Most people don’t grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging.”

Maya Angelou

9 years ago I didn’t know sh*t.

I made decisions that I thought were “adult” decisions without being an adult. I knew I had it all figured out when in reality I just enjoyed adult freedom with a childlike mentality.

When I started undergrad all I knew was I wanted to have fun, get good grades, and graduate college so I could start making 6-figures by 25 (insert side-eye here).

I concluded that I would focus on my career by about 26 or 27. I would be married with children, successfully working as a lawyer (I didn’t even know what type of law I wanted to do), and owning a huge home in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles.

No one would have told me that over the course of 9 years I would go through an emotional overhaul instead.

Imagine having a pretty little house. It’s just what you can afford, it has two bedrooms, a small yard and it’s everything you wanted in your first home. Then someone comes in and takes a bulldozer to your home WHILE you are still in it. You are inside your bedroom literally hyperventilating as you are having a panic attack trying to figure out how the heck someone can demolish your home! Your foundation, your safety net, your safe space.

Well, that’s what my 20s brought me. By the time I turned 23 and graduated college the harsh reality that I no longer wanted to go to law school slapped me in the face. Not being able to find a job after graduation that paid more than $10 an hour was a beautiful way to introduce me into the realities of life after undergrad. My high school sweetheart and I were no longer together and I was trying to find myself while still partying like I was in my freshman year.

Over the course of the past 6 years from 23 to now 29 I…(insert dramatic pause):

  • Became a teacher
  • I lived in Korea
  • Travelled to over 15 other countries
  • Jumped from two short-term relationships and one long-term relationship
  • Started a blog (and self-sabotaged by deleting it)
  • I started a brand
  • I developed several ideas for businesses that never panned out
  • Pursued my dreams as a writer and failed the first time
  • I lived in Houston, moved back home in Los Angeles, Houston again and back home.
  • I experienced meeting my biological mother again after 20 years apart
  • Lost friendships, rebuilt friendships
  • Went to therapy (a lot)
  • Discovered I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men and had some serious self-love issues
  • Got my heart broken for the 1000th time (no, seriously…)
  • Left teaching, quit my job
  • Cut all my hair off
  • Became a freelance writer
  • Learned the true meaning of self-love

With everything I’ve experienced so far, the most growth I’ve experienced was in the past 4 years.

It was when I moved to Korea and I was forced to deal with the darkness of loneliness, a feeling I experienced but never really intimately had a relationship with until I was abroad. It’s where I learned more about depression and anxiety as it relates to childhood trauma. It’s also where I uncovered some of my own truths with abandonment as a result of not having my real mother around for so many years.

That demolition crew went hard on the little house that I built up in my mind. It tore everything down and little by little is showing me that the next chapter of my life will involve rebuilding it all back up. Creating a new house that’s bigger, more beautiful, and stronger than ever.

But if necessary, that house will be torn down too.

I recently saw a post on Instagram that got my mind whirling around what advice I would to my 20-year-old self. I shopped the question around to my friends who all shared some pretty profound sentiments:

  • Love myself more
  • Be patient
  • Trust the process
  • Don’t worry about a relationship
  • Save money
  • Travel as much as possible
  • Go into a major like business or tech
  • Start a business straight out of college
  • Stop living for other people

There was so much reflection that it was if we were all echoing the same rally cry of regrets.

I had a pretty hefty list of things I would have done differently as well, like stayed a journalism major, gone to school out of state, studied abroad, struggled after college and focused on my writing career, waited to get in a serious relationship, focused on self-love more, saved a lot more money than I did, invested in or started a business, stayed abroad longer, went to therapy earlier on, and so on.

But what I realized is that out of all the things I listed, the most important thing on the list was loving myself.

I spent most of my early 20s hating the girl I saw in the mirror. I thought she was ugly and unworthy of love.

I took rejection as a personal blow to who I was. I chose to hide as much as possible and even when I had small moments to let myself shine I stayed in the background. I was afraid to speak up for myself because I didn’t think my opinions had much value. I also didn’t stand up for myself out of fear of losing the people I was holding on to so tight.

I was okay with being treated poorly by others because I thought I deserved it. I was too scared to pursue my dreams as a writer because I didn’t think I was good enough to go off to New York and do an internship with Conde’ Nast.

I played it safe. I asked for the advice of my family. I went with the safe major. I went with the career that I was good at and provided stability. I stayed in relationships and went back to relationships because I didn’t think I could do better. I said no to going out with friends because I didn’t think I was fun enough to join the party. I shied away from confrontation because I was scared to release my own thoughts.

All of that was because I didn’t love myself.

I didn’t love myself enough to demand men to respect me, to not take advantage of my body or my heart.

I didn’t love myself enough to say hey I don’t want stay at this job anymore, I want to try out something else.

I didn’t love myself enough to take action past my fear because I didn’t believe I was capable.

I didn’t love myself to say no to things that would hurt me.

And if I could give you any advice for whatever level/age you are at in your life, it’s to genuinely focus on loving yourself.

Loving yourself is one of the best things you can do in life because once you love yourself you make better decisions that benefit your wellbeing in the long run.

Once your confidence and self-esteem are high you can do anything because you BELIEVE that you can do anything! No one can tear you down because you’ve been through hell and back and you’ve built yourself up enough to know it’s POSSIBLE.

But guess what?

It wasn’t until 29 that I started to get a real taste of what self-love looked and felt like.

As hard as we are on ourselves about accomplishing goals and being successful, we need to put just as much energy into being comfortable in our own skin and having an unstoppable sense of confidence.

Why? Because that’s the beginning of real success. With confidence, you can speak in front of a crowd despite your fear of public speaking. You can roll out of bed with no makeup on and feel just as beautiful as you do with a done up face. With confidence, you can quit your dead-end job willing to pursue your dreams because you know it’s possible.

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” — Iyanla Vanzant

But self-love is a journey in itself. Let me tell you, when I was 16 years old I use to pray so hard that I would one day have high self-esteem. I would look in the mirror and feel good about myself MOST of the time and not just every so often. I prayed this prayer at 16, 18, 25, 27 and 29. At 29 after a couple years of therapy and soul searching I’ve finally started to see a glimpse of this.

And no, this isn’t for anyone to feel sorry for me. This is for those of us who went through some trauma as a child, or experienced abandonment or were bullied and made to feel small. It’s for us who didn’t believe in ourselves and despite being told we are this and that, we never saw that truth when we looked in the mirror. It’s for those of us who know that making the decision to love yourself is one of the hardest decisions you can make.

It requires work.

It requires you to show up for yourself time over and time again when you want to put others before your own well-being or desires. It forces you to think about decisions from a different angle. It pushes you to choose things that will benefit you in the long-run because you love yourself enough to no longer hurt yourself. It also calls for gentleness, patience, and hope.

If you are deciding to take this journey here are my final tips:

  • Choose you- Be a little selfish from time to time. Make a decision that’s about you and your goals. No that doesn’t mean don’t consider those you love, but it also means don’t keep putting yourself last.
  • Be positive- For every negative thought that you think of yourself replace it with a positive thought. Think of one thing you like about yourself and milk that daily! Love your smile? Tell yourself you love it in the mirror and smile as much as possible.
  • Find your voice- You don’t have to do things you don’t want to do. Learn to say no. If there is something you don’t like, don’t be afraid to ruffle some feathers. The people who care about you will want you to share your voice, those who don’t… can go.
  • Let go- Let go of who you once were and embrace the person you want to be. Imagine what your best self will look like. Literally, picture the best version of yourself. Get ready to let go of everything you hold true right now so that you can have that. You deserve it!

So to my 20 somethings… you are worth it. Spend time loving on you by putting yourself first and letting go of fear. It’s hard. It’s going to take a lot of work and you’ll have to do the work every single day. But one day you’ll look up and be the person you’ve always wanted to be. You’ll reflect on your journey of self-love and realize it was all worth it.

Screw that house you made up for yourself, screw your comfort zone and get ready to have something better.

Your 30s will thank you for it.

Charmaine Griffin

Written by

Los Angeles born freelance writer, poet, and self-care connoisseur. A minimalist who declutters daily because… shoes. Your future favorite author.

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