How to buy a car (the right way)

Depending on whether you plan to purchase a house, a vehicle will likely be the most expensive or second most expensive thing you’ll purchase. So do it right.

Step 0: Decide the type of transportation you need.

Stop. I said transportation. Do you even need your own vehicle? Can you take a train? A bus? Some other form of public transportation? In many cities, some or all of those options could be less expensive in the long run than buying an automobile.

Then decide if you need your own vehicle. Can you share with someone you know and trust — like a close friend or family member? Carpool with a coworker?

Can you make do with a bicycle? What about a nice pair of walking shoes? If you live somewhere pedestrian-friendly, either of those options have great health benefits.

After you’ve ruled out the rest of your choices, only then should you consider buying your own automobile. But understand the implications of this choice: you have chosen to structure your life in such a way that you are dependent on a highly specific type of transportation that will cost you at least tens of thousands of dollars, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars, during your lifetime.

In technical terms that is a shitload of money. If you’ve voluntarily signed up for a life dependent on you owning a car, you are never allowed to complain that you don’t have money.

Here’s the thing. I can get on a $100m luxurious air conditioned commercial airliner, fly from Dallas to Tokyo and back again — a 12,914 mile round trip — for $959.81. Or I can behave like the average American: get in my car and go back and forth to places nowhere near as cool as Tokyo for $8,698 per year. For 45 years until I retire. 45 x 8698 = $391,410. But thanks to the magic of compound interest, if I invested that money instead I wouldn’t end up with $391k. I’d end up with $2,668,115.40.

The point is, purchasing a vehicle is the least cost-efficient method of transportation available. And if you’re not careful it will make you broke without you even realizing it.

Step 1: Get some perspective.

Let’s talk about carbuying habits. $33,560 is the average car price in the U.S. But what’s the median price millionaires pay for their vehicles? Less than $32,000. The most popular car brand among millionaires is Toyota. 61% of people with household incomes of over $250,000 buy one of the following vehicles:

• Honda CR-V (MSRP $23,745)
• Honda Accord (MSRP $22,205)
• Honda Odyssey (MSRP $29,400)
• Toyota Prius (MSRP $24,200)
• Volkswagen Jetta (MSRP $17,680)

Note that these are the MSRPs of new vehicles — a third of millionaires buy their vehicles used.

Do you have $1m+ in liquid assets (cash + accounts)? Do you have a household income of $250k or more?

Then why on Earth would you ever consider buying a car approaching $17k?

Step 2: Know what you can afford.

Quick! How much can you afford to spend on a car? Is it 5% of your income? 10%? 20%?

None of those. That’s stupid. If you’ve ever given someone that advice, slap yourself in the face.

Let’s ask a different question instead. How much can you afford to spend on a toaster?

If you said any percentage of your income, you are an idiot.

A car is a toaster. It is a specialty appliance used only in very specific situations and occasionally doesn’t work like you want it to. The only difference is the car costs you money every single day. Through the black magic of depreciation, a car costs so much money you don’t even have to drive it and it costs you money. I could buy a toaster for $5 on craigslist, use it a year or two and sell it for $10. What I’m saying is, toasters are better investments than cars.

Also — and this is important — you didn’t think “I can afford a toaster that’s 0.2% of my income” because that’s bullshit. You thought one of the following:

• “I don’t know… $12?”
• “$15 because I’m such a connoisseur of toast”
• “I guess I’d pay $20 because I have no idea how much toasters are supposed to cost”
• “I’d pay [insert amount over $20] because I like the idea of permanently decreasing my wealth by spending it on an appliance people will practically never notice, will smell funny during use and will almost always have gross crumbs inside”

Here’s the thing: the amount of money you can afford to spend on a car is the amount of money in your checking and savings accounts, minus the amount of money you need to survive until your next paycheck, minus the money you keep in your emergency fund. That’s what afford means.

Example

Tod has $8,500 in his checking and savings accounts. He has to pay bills and expenses totaling $600 before his next paycheck. He wants to keep at least $1,500 for emergencies. Tod can afford a $6,400 car.

This is a different question than how much should Tod pay for a vehicle. If Tod’s net worth is less than $32,000, I would strongly recommend he not spend such a large amount (in comparison to his net worth) on his depreciating method of transportation. I’d also not recommend he spend more than $6,400 on his vehicle for the same reasons he shouldn’t spend more than $6,400 on a toaster. For most people — especially those who don’t have $10k+ of cash on hand — spending any amount over $6,000 is luxurious overspending. Ultimately, whether Tod chooses to spend that much money on his car is up to him. But at least now, we know how much Tod can afford.

Step 3: Decide if you’ll finance or purchase outright

Under no circumstances do you proceed to step 4 if you haven’t completed step 3.

Now that you know how much you can afford to spend on your vehicle, you’ll want to ask yourself if you’d prefer to finance it or purchase it outright. Given current conditions in the US, with a good credit score and/or debt to income ratio you should be able to qualify for a 2–3% APR loan from your bank or a credit union. If and only if your vehicle will be your only debt or the monthly payment is less than 5% of your gross monthly income, a 24- or 36-month loan to finance your vehicle is an option that deserves your consideration.

Rather than pay off the auto in full, if you instead put 20% down and invest the rest, you’ll come out on top by a few hundred bucks over the life of the 2 or 3 year loan. The disadvantage is you’re increasing your debt and increasing the cost of insurance; you’ll need full coverage on a financed vehicle.

Step 4: Decide the type of car you need.

For most of the people who will purchase or lease a vehicle, that vehicle will spend 90%+ of its time unused. 80% of the remaining time your vehicle will likely be carrying you and possibly one other person to and from your dwelling.

For an average commuter, that means 0–2% of your vehicle’s life will be spent with more than 2 people in it. This is true even for the stay-at-home mom or dad who carts their child to and from school or extracurricular activities.

Let’s do a little mini-activity. Take 100 one dollar bills. Now flush 98 of them down the toilet. Rinse and repeat every 4 days for 45 years. This is what happens when you buy a spacious car without using the space.

Unless 3 times per week you transport you plus 5 or more people simultaneously, a large SUV that seats 6+ and costs 50% more than a smaller vehicle (with more expensive insurance, gas and tire costs to boot) is obviously a poor choice. The same is true of pick-up trucks, unless 3 times a week you have to haul tools and materials weighing more than 500 pounds and taking up 40+ cubic feet of space.

Now that you’ve ruled those out, give some thought to what you actually need in a vehicle. If you do actually haul around 4 or 5 people on a regular basis, all of those people are older than 4, and you can afford it, then a mid-size sedan or small SUV might be justified. If your winters look like this, an all-wheel-drive car might be justified. If you drag race 3+ times per week, stop. It’s terribly expensive. But if you do, for the love of God, your hobby and your daily driver should NOT be the same vehicle! A hobbyist's sportscar is not tuned for cost effectiveness, fuel efficiency, safety or reliability — literally the only 4 things you want out of your auto.

The only thing that makes you look like an idiot more than sitting in a Camero SS in traffic everyday is sitting in a jacked-up truck with offroad tires in traffic everyday. Yes, your offroad car is also a hobby. Stop driving it every day; you look like a broke idiot.

Step 5: Narrow down to a handful of options.

Let’s look at the 4 variables of vehicle selection: initial cost; predictable ongoing costs; unpredictable ongoing costs; and safety.

Your next vehicle purchase decision should balance these variables.

Safety

This goes without saying. I use ratings from the International Institute of Highway Safety (IIHS). IIHS.org lets you browse by make, model and year for almost any vehicle you can imagine. The organization rates each vehicle on how well it handles several kinds of impacts (crashes to the side, rear, or front of the vehicle, etc). Ratings range from Good to Acceptable to Marginal to Poor.

If you often have kids in your car and/or drive above 50mph, it’s reasonable for you to make this a high priority. If you find yourself stuck in 20–40mph traffic most of the time, or you drive less than 5,000 miles a year, you can settle for a vehicle with one or two Marginal ratings.

Note that most sedans produced before 2006 weren’t particularly safe when compared to cars produced afterward.

Also note that the IIHS website along with Wikipedia are the easiest places to figure out the oldest possible version of the vehicle generation you’re considering. A 2006 Honda Civic is virtually mechanically identical to a 2011 Civic. Always go with the oldest possible version of the vehicle because reliability is much more impacted by distance driven than time.

Initial Cost

Initial cost might seem obvious at first, but make sure you add up all the sneaky bits. This is how much you’ll spend on the vehicle to get it driveable and in your driveway. If you buy a car that doesn’t run and fix the transmission, then you take the cost of the vehicle and add the cost of that repair to get the initial cost. If you choose to finance, this is the amount you paid for the car (not your monthly payment) plus the interest you’ll pay over the life of the loan. If you buy your car from a stealership, include any fees. And add any sales taxes or registration/government-required fees too.

Predictable Ongoing Costs

• Fuel. At $3/gallon driving 15k miles/yr, 1 MPG = ~$65/yr. $65/yr = $2,945 over your working life. Or $18,585.35 if you invested it instead. PER MPG. HOLY SHIT, THAT’S THREE ADDITIONAL CARS. Do not buy a car that requires premium gas.
• Insurance. Go here to get a general idea of insurance costs for a given vehicle in the U.S.
• Regular maintenance plus tires. This is probably going to be the same across all viable cars in your category, but check to make sure the car you want doesn’t need super special tires made of gold.
• Depreciation. Go to the True Cost to Own calculator from Edmunds and plug in your prospective cars. The tool won’t give you the numbers for all years, but it will give you a general idea of the depreciation cost for that make and model.
• License, taxes and registration. In some ass-backwards places like Japan these fees are higher on older cars vs newer ones.

Unpredictable Ongoing Costs (aka Repairs)

You need to be careful here, because this is where a lot of people freeze up and make bad decisions. In the States everyone has this paranoia that if they buy a car with more than 50,000 miles it will explode within a week. And sadly, for the kinds of cars we make here, that’s kind of true. Sedans from Ford, Chevy, and Chrysler are pretty shit when it comes to long-term reliability. Fortunately there are an abundance of cars available that will last for 200k miles or more with reasonable care and maintenance.

Five years ago, selecting a car that can last was based on luck and the male equivalent of old wives’ tales (old husbands’ tales?) “Oh, I had a Ford once. Lasted me a hundred million miles!” your barber would say. And someone nearby would chime in “don’t buy a Hyundai, I hear they got gerbils in the engine!”

It was nonsense. Fortunately, with the advent of the internet and some really great work by a couple of stand-up researchers, we have access to the Long Term Quality Index. The survey covers nearly 1,000,000 vehicles with data reported by real mechanics, not just car owners. In so many words, it is the Holy Grail of car statistics.

Thanks to the Index I can tell you Toyota and Honda (along with Lexus and Acura, their respective luxury brands) are more or less the only carmakers that know how to make mid-size sedans. I can also say Americans are in fact pretty good at making oversized vehicles (who would’ve thought?) In fact from my study of the Index over the past few months I’ve come to learn some general rules:

• Lexus, Toyota, Acura and Honda are the best of the best when it comes to building reliable sedans.
• Generally, the larger the vehicle the more reliable it is.
• The inverse is also true; the smaller the vehicle the less reliable it is, to the point where Toyota is the only manufacturer that has successfully engineered a vehicle smaller than a Civic that consistently lasts a more than ~120k miles (namely the Scion xA and xB).
• German luxury cars aren’t significantly more reliable than American ones.

It’s worth noting foreign vehicles tend to cost more to repair than domestics. If you’re torn between two similar models with similar reliability, buy the domestic.

Step 5.1: Bring out the spreadsheet

Spreadsheets can’t help you make every decision. Should you visit London or Paris? Should you ask out Jacob or that other guy? Should you go bowling with friends or watch a movie with the wife?

Spreadsheets can’t help you. Those are emotional decisions.

Good news: selecting a car is not an emotional pursuit.

Above you’ll find my actual spreadsheet for my actual next vehicle purchase, which is coming up this summer. As you can see, based on my circumstances I’ve narrowed down my list to sedans that are somewhere between medium- and small-size (although to be honest the Camry is pretty big). You can see lines 6, 7 and 8 are hidden — these are vehicles I’ve ruled out since creating the sheet.

Column D is safety. Simple and to the point. I went to iihs.org and made sure the cars were all very safe (TSP stands for Top Safety Pick, which is IIHS speak for top marks) or pretty dang safe.

Columns G through I tell me the auto’s predictable costs per year. Since I’m surveying similar vehicles I only bothered with the costs of insurance and fuel. G through I give me Column H, Combined (annual, predictable) Costs.

Columns L through O are reliability scores from the Long Term Quality Index. Column K is a formula that takes those numbers and spits out a sort-of average. I’ll explain later.

Finally, columns R through Y are a survey of the lowest prices on these vehicles on the respective sites. I narrowed my search to a radius within 50 miles of my zip code and I only looked at cars whose titles were clean (not salvaged, etc) and had 150k miles or fewer.

This is the same information, just color-coded for convenience. Green is great, yellow is ok, red is bad. Column B is a count of how many greens, how many yellows and how many reds for that vehicle. If you weigh each of these variables equally (safety, ongoing predictable cost, ongoing unpredictable cost, and initial cost) then this is a good indicator of which vehicle to buy.

An aside: if you wanted to see the formula in column K, it’s here. The Reliability score from the Index is basically a schoolgrade of the manufacturer from 1 to 100. Higher = better. But then you have powertrain, transmission and engine percentages. These are the respective percentages of failure for each of these categories. Lower = better.

I went through the following steps to make this an apples to apples comparison:

1. Averaged columns M through O to give me something like 7% (0.07)
2. Subtracted 1 to get something like -.93
3. Multiplied by 100 to get -93
4. Got the absolute value of that number (positive rather than negative 93)

Then I averaged the new number with the Reliability score to get an overall picture of the vehicle in terms of its expected repairs cost. In hindsight, Repairs isn’t the best name for that column because higher=better. But “Risk Quotient for Unpredictable Ongoing Cost” wouldn’t fit. Deal with it.

Discussing risk brings us to our next step.

Step 6: Prioritize

Earlier we talked about the four variables of car selection: safety, initial cost, predictable ongoing cost and unpredictable ongoing cost. And we mentioned that safety is more important for some (people with kids, people who drive lots, people who drive 50mph+ often) than it is for others. And this is the part where Excel can’t help you.

Risk to life and limb is one thing. But there’s another type of risk, which is risk to your money. In the sense that a lot of us exchange our hours for paychecks, you could make an argument that in some ways your money is your life.

Big companies deal with the money kind of risk every day. They meticulously track and manage their risk exposure. And some are more risk-averse than others. Sometimes they take big gambles (“bet the company,” as Steve Jobs would say) hoping for huge rewards.

Your car purchase will have risk associated with it. Particularly if your car represents more than 20% of your net worth. And you need to manage that risk the same way a big company does. Do you buy the reliable medium-sized SUV that you know will be a gas-guzzler or the smaller less-reliable vehicle that might cost more in repairs? Repairs or no, the latter will likely save you money in the long run. There’s a $500/year difference just comparing the Acura vs the Civic above; how much more money would the Civic save over an SUV? Several thousand over just 5 years! That’s more than enough to pay for the cost of repairs.

But, you have to weigh that against your financial situation. If you have another risk-prone asset, or if your income has risk associated with it (maybe you own your own business, or you’re paid hourly and your hours fluctuate, or you’re paid on commission) and you don’t have a decent savings account, getting a car that’s more likely to surprise you with a $1,200 bill is a tough choice.

Step 7: Drive

By now you should have narrowed down your selection to 2–4 vehicles. Next step? Drive them. All of them. Make sure they go from 1–60. Preferably 75 if you live in the U.S. Make sure they run, brake, upshift and downshift ok. Get a feel for when the car shifts and when the power kicks in.

Oh, and make sure you can select which gear the vehicle is in. That’s essential to driving efficiently. If you can drive a manual, that’s even better — you’ll be buying a simpler car (fewer parts = less that can break), you’ll shave off a hundred or so pounds from the car (improving handling and acceleration), and you’ll look 15% sexier while driving. If you can’t drive a manual yet, no worries. There are trainers and schools in most metropolitan areas that will teach you how to drive manual in 4 hours for less than $100.

Step 8: Choose the make and model you want

If you’ve been following along, you’ve gone from all the cars to just the cars you can afford to just the affordable cars that meet your needs to the 2–4 affordable cars that meet your needs as efficiently as possible. Having prioritized and driven them, it’s time to make a final decision.

Hold out for as long as possible. If you can go 2 weeks without your own car, maybe you don’t need one after all. If that’s the case: congratulations! Throw this article in the trash because you don’t need it. Go enjoy your car-free life. And stop printing out internet articles, you’re wasting paper.

Another advantage of holding out is it’s possible the manufacturer will introduce a new version of the vehicle you want. One of the successful sales guys at my work drives a total clunker; he wants a Lexus LS but is waiting until they introduce the new version later this year to buy one. That’s a wise choice, and that frugality is one of the reasons his net worth is in the millions.

Step 9: Secure financing (if applicable)

If you’re planning to finance your vehicle, get a quote from your bank and 2 different credit unions. They’ll need to know how much you currently spend on debt every month, proof of income and bank statements. Let each lender know you’re getting quotes from 2 credit unions and your bank. After they give you your initial quote, tell them you can pay all the interest in the first month’s payment and ask if that changes anything.

Add up all fees, interest and principle — everything you’ll need to pay out of your pocket over the term of the loan. Make sure this number is not more than 5% of what you would pay for the car. Then select the cheapest one and get a pre-approval letter for $100 less than the car’s lowest price in your spreadsheet. Plan to put 20% down.

Do not get a loan that’s more than 36 months (preferably 24 or even 12). Do not get a loan with a higher than 3% APR. Do not tell ANYONE how much you’ve been pre-approved for until you’ve thoroughly read step 10. Twice.

Step 10: Negotiate

Did I mention wait as long as possible? Good. But you’ll want to wait a little more. Specifically, barring spending more than $200 for a rental, do everything you can to wait until the 27th of the month. That’s when the sales reps at the stealerships feel the pressure to offload their inventory.

Then you’re going to do something very sneaky. You’re going to email the sales managers at the stealerships where your car is sold and write the following:

To whom it may concern,

My name is [your name] and I am seeking a used [make and model] with less than [maximum number of miles] in good or very good condition.

Color: [desired color(s)]

Title status: clean

[additional options here]

I am sending this email to local dealers and private sellers in the area. I’ll be reviewing prices on the 29th at 6pm. If you have a vehicle that fits this description and you’re interested in selling it, please supply the Carfax report and your lowest price for consideration.

[Cash buyer/pre-approved].

Thank you for your time. No calls please.

[your name]

You’re going to send that to the sales managers at the stealerships and you’re going to get mostly canned and/or bullshit responses. Those are going to fall into 2 categories: “How much are you looking to spend?” and “We have lots of those vehicles to choose from, please come look.”

Ignore those. You are looking for the 2–4 people who read your email and reply to it in a way that invites your engagement. They will say “Yes, we have 1–2 of those on the lot (list of 1–2 specific vehicles with details) and here are the Carfax reports.” They will probably not give you a number. If they do, they will give you the “asking price.” That is a bullshit number. For all intents and purposes, the asking price is a fake number. It does not exist.

From here on out you have 1 job. I’m going to be perfectly clear:

ACT LIKE THE MAFIA AND GET THE GODDAMN REAL NUMBER OUT OF THEM.

Do NOT reveal your hand. Do NOT tell them how much these cars go for on some other website or stealership. Do NOT tell them how much you’re preapproved for. It is their job to sell you that vehicle. Only after you get a number that’s lower than the lowest price in your spreadsheet do you visit the stealership. Avoid stealerships when possible; if you find a private seller you can just follow steps 3–18 below.

If you do go to a stealership, follow these instructions:

1. Make an appointment in the morning.
2. Arrive 2–4 minutes late.
3. Shake the salesperson’s hand.
4. Smile.
5. If there is any chemistry between you and the rep, walk away. Do you find them attractive? Leave. Do they remind you of someone — anyone, from any point in your past — who you feel strongly about? A friend you get along with? A coworker you don’t like? A bully? An old flame? Leave. Do you feel nervous? Make up an excuse, leave and come back later. This is a business transaction and your emotions will cloud your judgement.
6. A good rep will have pulled the car around. Act like you couldn’t care less about it. Go inside, away from the vehicle. Don’t even look at the thing.
7. Ask to see the Carfax report again. Read it. Make sure the vehicle has been properly maintained (regular oil changes and proper scheduled maintenance).
8. Ask about any gaps in the report. The rep will give you some bullshit excuse, like “Carfax doesn’t catch everything, especially oil changes.” That’s true, but act like you don’t believe them and you’re worried.
9. Look at the car. Look in the trunk. Check for the spare tire. Doesn’t have one? Bad. Still has one? Neutral. Check the tire tread. New tires could set you back $200.
10. Sit in every seat. Sit in the driver’s seat last. Put one but not both feet in the cabin. Do not put your hands on the steering wheel. It is not your car. Do not allow yourself to feel like the owner of this vehicle.
11. Examine all the buttons, knobs, etc on the seat then on the dash. Note anything that doesn’t work.
12. Turn on the radio. Browse through the preset stations. Golden oldies? Good. Old people care for their cars. Anything else? Neutral.
13. Tell the rep you need to drive it to your mechanic. They’ll ask for your license or keys or something to make sure you don’t run off. That’s fine, but take note of the fact that they don’t trust you. That feeling should be mutual.
14. Take it to a mechanic that specializes in the type of vehicle you want to buy (Japanese vs German vs American; diesel vs gasoline vs hybrid vs electric). They’ll charge you $100-$120 for an inspection. Don’t spend more than $120. Make sure they give you 2 copies of the list of recommended repairs. Talk to the mechanic that did the inspection and make sure you have an understanding of what needs to be fixed ASAP and what can wait.
15. With the list of recommended repairs, get back to the stealership. Exit the vehicle and take a long look at its imperfections again. Really gaze at them.
16. Take a few deep breaths. You are soon to negotiate toe-to-toe with someone who literally does this for a living. Mentally recite the list of things you spotted wrong with the vehicle. Broken knobs. Missing spare tire. Worn tires. Add that to the list of recommended repairs. Assign a dollar amount to every issue you found, however minor.
17. Subtract the cost of the issues from the real number you got from the stealership. If the number is negative, walk away. Otherwise, head inside.
18. State your case. “You, Mr. or Mrs. sales rep, told me, the buyer, that you would consider selling this vehicle for $X. Since you said that, I’ve learned there are mechanical and cosmetic defects consisting of [defect 1], [defect 2], etc. Here is a copy of the recommended repairs by my trusted 3rd-party mechanic who has no interest in this sale. Considering this information, some of which I’m sure is new to you, how much do you believe the car to be worth?” Make absolutely sure you communicate that you believe some if not all of this information is new to them.
19. They will object by saying something like: all cars have wear and tear and the price they gave you factored that in. You respond with the following word for word: “I’m sure your technicians are very good at their jobs but I also know clerical errors happen. I’m sure you don’t personally have the time to check every vehicle and I know you wouldn’t have tried to sell me this car without telling me [insert the most serious mechanical defect].” This pays the dealership a compliment, allows them to save face (blame it on clerical errors) while simultaneously catching them in a dilemma. Obviously when you phrase it this way they can’t say they knew about the mechanical defect.
20. This is the part where they throw up roadblocks. This is bullshit to try to distract you. GET THE NEW GODDAMN NUMBER.
21. Ask if they’ll take [new goddamn number minus $100]. They will say yes or no; doesn’t matter either way.
22. Ask them what their fees are.
23. Add the number for the car plus fees plus any necessary repairs. Compare that to the lowest number in your spreadsheet. If it is $100 lower than the spreadsheet number, tell them you accept. If it is not, walk away and repeat steps 1–22. When you get to step 23 again, only accept if it is $200 less than the spreadsheet number. Keep deducting $100 until you get to the 5th car. At this point, go back and select the car with the lowest price.
24. Regardless of your payment method, they will send you to the finance office. If the rep agreed to repair certain parts, make sure it is in the contract and that it is spelled out in the contract exactly. They will use the word “check” when referring to repairs they agreed to. Check means nothing. You tell them they will change the contract to read “repair” or you’ll leave. Make good on that threat if you need to before money exchanges hands.
25. YOU ARE DONE SPENDING MONEY. DO NOT BUY ANYTHING FROM THE FINANCE PEOPLE. Let me share the finance people’s closely-guarded secret. They often make more money on their commissions than the salespeople. In fact, the finance people used to be salespeople themselves. They are the best salespeople in the building. And they’re so successful because you, the buyer, just went through what was probably a multi-hour negotiation process. You’re worn out. Now all you want to do is get this whole process over with. Don’t give in.

Step 11: Congratulations, you’re way less rich now

Whelp. Congrats, I guess. You just spent a ridiculous amount of money on something so you can go from one place to another in one of the least cost-effective methods known to man.

But hey, maybe after reading this it’ll be a slightly less ridiculous amount of money.

If this article helped you, please let me know; it would make me happy.

Afterward: But what about your current car?

Holy shit, you just read a five thousand word article on buying a car and you want more information? Fine. Here’s how to sell your car without getting the shaft.

1. Wash the vehicle.
2. Get a Carfax report for it.
3. Look on Craigslist for the cheapest working vehicle that’s the same make, model and year as yours. Add $500.
4. Now get the estimated private-party value of your vehicle on Edmunds and Kelley Blue Book.
5. Average the 3 numbers.
6. Add $300 if you can prove it’s in excellent condition; $200 if you can prove it’s in great condition; or $100 if it runs. Subtract $500 if it doesn’t run.
7. List it on Craigslist for that amount.
8. Take as many pictures as possible with a good camera in a nice setting under a clear sky in the daytime. You need a picture directly from the front, back and each side. You also need a picture from each corner of the vehicle. Cover up or blur the license plate. If the tires have a lot of tread on them, get a close-up of the cleanest-looking tire. Then take as many pictures of the interior as possible.
9. Wait for buyers to contact you. Ignore reps from the stealership.
10. Arrange to meet in the daylight on a weekend in a public place, like a park or mall parking lot. Take a buddy if you feel unsafe for any reason.
11. If they ask to take it to their mechanic, politely decline unless they will be leaving their vehicle and it is at least twice the value as yours. Instead, offer the Carfax report.
12. If they ask you for the lowest price you’ll take for the vehicle, tell them you’ll consider lowering the price if it doesn’t sell within 30 days.
13. Accept up to $200 less than the asking price.
14. Only accept a cashier’s check or cash. If they say they don’t have it, tell them you’ll wait.
15. Repeat until the car is sold. Keep contact info and offer from each person just in case you don’t get the amount you want.

Done and done.