Improve Any Relationship With This Simple Nighttime Routine
I’ve listened to two podcasts in recent weeks that got me thinking about this concept of improving relationships: School of Greatness with Lisa Nichols and The Good Life Project with Elena Brower.
In each of them they mentioned a way of parenting I’d never considered, but I find powerful and plan to use when I get there (a few more years).
The irony is that I’ve been doing some leadership coaching lately and, unbeknownst to me, had suggested a similar approach. Questions like: how can I better help you reach your potential? In what ways can I further support you on this project? Are great ways to expose vulnerability as a leader by opening up opportunity for critique and having the guts to not only listen, but change.
Both Lisa Nichols and Elena Brower do something similar with their children: How could I have been better for you today?
I love this idea so much that I recently began incorporating it into my nighttime routine with my wife, Elisa.
The first night she was quiet, “Nothing,” she said, a little taken back by the question.
And then, as she recalled the day more clearly, she began … “Well, actually you could have listened more when I was trying to tell you about my project, and it would have been nice if you’d done the dishes. Oh, and you could have hugged me more. And kisses. Always more kisses.”
Don’t worry. I don’t expect them all to be this sweet;)
Two things are happening here:
- As opposed to being on the defense, in a fight, when she’s going through the laundry list of ALL the things I do wrong, I asked this time. I’m open. I’m willing to hear. I’m able to change. There’s much less chance for change when things have escalated and tension is high, words are combative, frustration inhibits listening. And let’s be honest, fights are never a good time to “fix” someone.
- With this simple question, things don’t build up over time and become unbearable. Each night there’s a new opportunity to see yourself through their eyes, which may seem scary and ultra vulnerable, and it is. But vulnerable is the place where all relationships thrive, and communication–we know, we know–is the key to all relationships.
Children misunderstand a shit-ton of what transpires throughout the course of the day. I know I did. I think about how frickin powerful it would have been to have had better clarity before bed each night, feeling more comfortable talking about the hard stuff, feeling heard.
I cannot think of a relationship that would NOT benefit from this kind of authentic inquiry.
How can I be better for you?
Then, be brave enough to listen.
#Onward
Much Love,
Kat Hurley
Originally published at kathurley.com on February 5, 2016.