Why Your Relationship Needs a Contract

Think about it. Nearly every important relationship we engage in as adults has terms. As employees we have contracts, in business we have contracts, why not in love?

Part of the reason many of us are still resentful of our parents is because they broke the contract! At least their side of the deal, right?

We assumed the terms of the contract were such, and they let us down.

Or vice versa, I was not the easiest adolescent to play nice with: there were no clear boundaries for me to adhere to.

At work, we know what we’re being paid for, it’s spelled out, and quite frankly, we’re uncomfortable when it’s not. I’ve done a significant amount of executive coaching this year and some of the big complaints are: I’m not sure what my job actually entails!

We like boundaries. As humans we like parameters from which to navigate. It’s safe. It’s measurable. It’s satisfying.

And yet we go into some of our most important relationships of our lives without those terms.

Some of the biggest arguments my wife, Elisa, and I get in are when she assumes A and I assume B. As lesbians, I feel like we are often at the fault of over-communication, and yet there’s still –in this instance– room for more.

We have two kittens, so life is fairly simple. But I imagine when kids come onto the scene, there will need to be ever more terms.

This is not unromantic. This is empowering. I say what I need, and she agrees. And then she says what she needs, and I agree–or a compromise of sorts in between.

That way it’s clear. I’m not assuming A anymore when she assumes B. AND she’s not surprised when I’m angry!

This also doesn’t have to be a stiff/intense arrangement like the dreaded prenup. It can be sexy and romantic, done on date night at home over candlelight.

The terms don’t have to be do or die, rather guidelines to follow.

I promise, just the communication of needs will be powerful.

Elisa and I are still enjoying our new-ish nightly ritual, “How could I have been better for you today?”

That in combination with the contract. #BOOM Wedded bliss!

Marriages are a legal binding contract, yet many of us enter them before we know the real terms. It’s hard to discuss dealbreakers when you’re being swept up in the ceremony/ritual of it all.

A great book by Susan Piver, The Hard Questions: 100 Questions before you say “I do” is an eye-opening tool for any stage of a relationship–a terrific foundation for setting the terms.

When we wing it, we fail. Remember college? Well, at least for me that was four years of mostly winging it. I skated by thankfully, but only because I followed the bare minimum of the terms.

As an entrepreneur, when I wing it, I fail harder. That’s why most people don’t want to be an entrepreneur, the lack of structure freaks them out. See? Just another example of how much we like boundaries and schedules and consistency.

This contract stuff can be done with your friends, kids, parents, your person, anyone really. Even if you’re self employed, you can make your own contract.

When the guidelines are set, we thrive. As opposed to when we have no bar to meet, we skate.

You can always go above and beyond!

Just be careful not to get promoted to greater responsibilities;)

I leave you with this: Do you and your partner have some sort of terms? How did you go about setting them?

#Onward

Much Love,

kat hurley