People expect that you learn to become a better human being, and lead a better life after a near death experience, but not me. I think the best version of myself died after my first suicide attempt and all that is left is an almost empty shell. Anyway,I don’t think that’s something I want to go into today, I hate introspection as much as a typical Nigerian politician would, even though I feel like this de-cluttering session is going to feel like it at the end. A great indicator of how badly I need to write is my inability to put my thoughts in one direction.
Anyhoo, I have battled depression for a few years. It’s something I still deal with, quite intensely in the last few days, and what is mad is how easy it has become for me to hide it. I recently landed a full-time gig and the expectation to succeed and be exceptional weighs on how I talk on a daily basis, who I talk to and how I live. There’s also the pressure to be a big brother to my siblings. A son to my mother. Thing is, I’m not sure what I am to myself most times. Some of my friends think I’m a hard ass who works every second of every hour. In a sense that’s true but I spend a lot of days trying to stay out of my head. I take frequent retreats into the office bathroom to cry. I dive so deep into my work, and it’s basically just me begging someone to compliment my latest success so I can feel like my being has purpose.
A few days ago, I noticed a weird urge to jump in the path of oncoming vehicles and it is intriguing that I would consider taking my life without any forethought. The best way that this experience can be described is that there is a system overload due to dealing with considerable mental and emotional stress over an extended period of time. The simplest way to describe this feeling is to relate it to someone who is physically exhausted and collapses. In my case, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted; on some days, I feel complete desperation and despair that my situation wouldn’t improve.
I recently lost a friend to suicide, it sent me into a dark corner of my mind, My therapist told me — which was very helpful, I don’t understand why — she says, ‘I’ll hold the hope for you.’
I said, ‘Okay, that’s nice. You do that. I don’t know what that means. You just hold that hope for me. I’ll be over here trying to kill myself. Have a good time with that hope. You’ll be holding it, I’ll be dead. It’s all good, I’ll be alright’.
Now I just try to make plans for the next day- ‘Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch at that Mexican place.’ ‘Tomorrow I’m going to the beach.’ I might have to make it a part of my life now- having a plan for the next day means I have to keep going, till I can’t anymore and I have to reset. I don’t know what that means, but it must mean something important for me to try to see if I can put this off for another hour, another two hours, another day, another whatever. Keep holding the hope for me guys!