Lamide Aranmolate
Dec 30, 2017 · 4 min read

First I’d like to state that this story is untitled because it’s an ongoing experience and honestly, I’m not sure how it’ll turn out, I only know how to give titles to complete stories/experiences.

Secondly, for the corniest reason, I feel the need to state that listening to Falz’s “Jeje” while reading this adds a little something to the story, at least that’s what I imagine. It is what is playing through my headphones as I write this. Perfect soundtrack to this story of how a woman might be looking to to ruin my life in a (mostly) good (I hope) way.

The atmosphere was pleasant enough. The restaurant was nearly empty which I thought was normal for a Tuesday afternoon, I would never know, I don’t go out so much, save for Sundays spent swimming and sailing with friends.

The burger was basic, no cheese and a fat chunk of ham (or something like that) but it sated my hunger.

I was meeting a woman I met off Twitter a few days ago and to the best of my ability tried to read the body language of three other ladies working through their lunch at the restaurant. Two of them had company and the third was typing furiously at her MacBook, only pausing to make phone calls during which she looked to be giving orders to someone (whoever that was). I subconsciously pegged her for someone who wouldn’t have time for frivolities like meeting a stranger at a restaurant on a Tuesday afternoon during office hours. I got up to leave and there was a good looking woman walking directly towards me. I said, “Are you Fisayo?” We both never sent each other photos, what’s the point? We hit it off pretty great and set up a date a week after. I’ll admit to meticulously going through her media and only finding memes and screenshots of articles she’d been reading as well as photos of pages of books.

“You must be Jide.”

“I must be.”

“I’m Nkiru, Fisayo said something about meeting you here and she wanted me to come by, you know how meeting strangers can be these days, I had no idea she didn’t tell you”

“Oh she was just being careful,” I said.

She extended her hand, I took it and we settled for another table as mine had not been cleared yet.

Jig is: she wasn’t so tall, 5ft4, slim and somewhat shapely, light makeup, big hoop earrings, no wedding or engagement rings in sight. She wore a cotton dress with really tiny straps holding it up and she was barefoot. Looked to me like an outfit she could get out of in 4 seconds, less with a little help.

“Jide? Are you still trying to wrap your head around this involuntary date?”

“Uhmm maybe. One second please.”

I’ll admit to being a bore because after her food came, she pulled out a journal and was leafing through it, it had the picture of a west African manatee on the cover.

“Is that a manatee on the cover? Those things are pretty endangered”

“Yes it is, I work at Institute of Oceanography and Marine research.”

I spent the next 10 minutes getting a lecture on endangered aquatic animals and what nots. She had a nice, soft, breathy voice I found alluring and she could have gone on for 10 hours and I won’t stir. A waiter brought us two glasses of wine, I sniffed it and ordered a Heineken.

“Are you a wine connoisseur?”

“No. Are you?”

“Yes, I can tell the difference between a merlot and whiskey. Blindfolded too.”

She smiled.

We talked about a bunch of stuff for another 15 minutes, she had a lot of gossip and I thought she was funny too.

We called Fisayo, Nkiru seemed pretty convinced it was a lost cause so we paid for the food and got into her car. She pulled out of the parking area and asked what I wanted to do. We spent the afternoon driving around and before we knew it, it was 3pm. “if you have time, we can take a spin in my boat.”

I have a boat, but it was with the mechanic, no way I was going to take her on it, so it might have been a decent line. I had a place on the bay and she said “let’s go”.

We left Lekki, drove to a jetty at CMS where we got on a boat.

Conversation slipped into a very light and airy one and there was some edginess to it, the sort that says we might be headed for the sheets.

My first stop on the tour of the island was my bedroom and we didn’t get much further.

Took three seconds to get out of her clothes and she was beautiful. I was trying to get out of my pants and she was already naked.

I was glad I remembered to change the sheets that morning, glad I had condoms on the nightstand, glad Prince Charlie responded to Nkiru. I’ll spare you the sordid details and say we hit it off pretty well.

By the time we were done, it was starting to get dark. I knew I should be doing something more constructive than afternoon sex, but my computer was broken. We settled into a comfortable slumber knowing this was probably the beginning of something that won’t end well for any of us.

Let’s face it:

Who the gods wish to destroy, they first make horny.

Lamide Aranmolate

Written by

Fruit of the gloom.