I’m sorry I couldn’t save you

My brother I love you! I always tell you when I see you. I picture you full of life giving me a hug and kiss a few weeks ago. But now weeks have passed since the morning we got the call. I’m just sorry I couldn’t save you.

In my dream I heard screams of terror that turned into a real nightmare. When Kay came in the room crying and yelling for me to get up I was still in a daze. “It’s not true” I said. Attempting to save her from the unbearable heartache of losing her older brother.

We raced 4 minutes up the street to the hospital with hope that we could save you. It was too late. Social workers surrounded us until they broke the news. Still in a daze, “let me see him”. (Maybe I can save him).

“Ma’am he has been here for hours, there was nothing any of us could do.”

WHAT?!!! WHAT????!!

Did the EMT give him CPR for a long time? Did anyone try to get a pulse?

I always thought if we did everything right, we would be protected. Loved. Cherished. At all times. Why did my brother have to die this way? Violently. Alone. Why can’t I use superpowers or magic to turn back time?

As I walk down the hallway to see him I think. God why couldn’t I have been there? To hold his hand, to sit with him? Why couldn’t you let me meditate over him? Why couldn’t I save him?

I saw my brother lying there looking the same as he did a few weeks ago…full of life. I saw his chest move up and down. Or did I? God why are my eyes playing tricks on me.

He’s not moving Natasha, it’s in your head.

Well I don’t care! I’m still going to hold his hand! Tell him I love him! Meditate over him! Send loving energy to his soul! No one can stop me from doing that! I can still see his wounds and ask for spiritual healing.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save your physical body. But I know that NO ONE can kill your soul. Tyrell, your soul is the birth-less, deathless, changeless, part of you. Turns out you didn’t need me to save you.

“I am divinity defined. I am the God on the inside. I am the star, piece of it all. I am light.”- India Arie