Preoperative Counseling

A few years ago I was afflicted with a bad case of piles. Piles, it’s an archaic term that I encourage you to look up. I was scheduled to have them surgically removed and as with any surgery, I had to visit the hospital for lab work and a preoperative consultation.

The nurse, rather stoically, asked a series of health related questions:

“Do you smoke?”

“Do you consume alcohol?”

“Have you been to a foreign country in the last six months?”

You get the picture. Anyways, it was mostly routine questions you may see on any health questionnaire. However, she eventually asked one that broke the machine like flow of her interrogation.

“When was your last period?”

I kind of grin and responded, “Well, you see I don’t have periods?”

“Why not? Have you had a hysterectomy?” asked the nurse.

“No. I was born with a penis. I’m transgender,” I responded.

“Oh! Well…we have extensive training for this. There is no need to explain further,” she continued. “Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?” she asked.

I wish you could have seen the look on her face when I answered, “Not unless there is a baby growing in my penis.”