Kill These 4 Coworker Archetypes

How much time do you spend in your office? 50 hours a week? 60? Let’s low ball the figure. Say, 40. That’s 8 hours a day–a standard working week. How many total hours are in a week? 168. Subtract work, sleep (as recommended by the Surgeon General: 8), then the commuting time (let’s say it’s a 30 minute drive), we’re left with 67 hours of time that is truly your life.

67 hours. That’s only 39.88% of the full week’s time. The other 60.12% is you being a good American. Good job! 🇺🇸

With this harsh pill to swallow, why in the hell do we tolerate bullshit at the office? Why can’t the time be spent happily? Sadly, it’s too often spent with savages. Half-people who double-park, “borrow” your pens or don’t relent on vapid conversations even though every non-verbal queue you throw their way says “spare me or kill me, lord, please”.

In lieu of this sentiment, arm yourself with whatever office weaponry you can muster and rise up. The receptionist’s phone (for strangling), your dickhead CEO’s putter (for bludgeoning) or the plethora of family pictures (for aerial bombardment) from the micromanaging department head who always seems to be on vacation will work perfectly in your divine cleansing.

Your prime targets:

Guy who follows up in person on an email he just sent literally a minute ago. You can hear the scraping of his khakis before his footsteps. The smacking of his cinnamon gum like the last throws of a heaving fish suffocating without water. He’s the least discrete predator in the jungle and only catches his prey through nagging it to death.

“Oh, bro, did you get my email? Yeah, yeah, look at it when you get a chance. What did you think? These are Polo, by the way. Can you get to it today? It’s not that important, but wanted to check up on it. Do it when you can. Ha, k, chill, bro. Chat with you later, I gotta go.

…..

Hey, did you read that email?”

Yes, guy, yes I did. After I was done with my more important shit.

The girl who brown-noses so much you’d think she wipes her nose with toilet paper. You’ve seen her. Every waking second to her is an opportunity to kiss ass so far up the chain her lips are coming through the CEO’s mouth.

“That’s a really good idea, Terry. Like, it could really impact this project. With that direction, I could see this executing really well. Like, so well. So much synergy, wow. I bet we could see some big results. Such a good idea, Terry, wow.”

Wow.

They were selling ad space in an office supplies annual catalog.

Long-since divorced (deserved) mid 40’s guy who gets way too trashed at company events and spills his life story (unprompted) and odd propositions upon your trapped being. He has trendy black glasses, salt and pepper hair, a new Audi, but says in meetings that mobile is the next big thing and we should really pursue that because millennials, you know?

“Man, when I was your age, I’d be hitting on every chick at this party, man. You know wha–Wait. Oh, the new intern. She’s a sophomore. Smokin’ hot–We should go out sometime. Go catch some tail since we’re both lady-killers and all, RIGHT?!”

This man was arrested for breaking a restraining order at a Starbuck’s 3 months later. Probably was caught with a little cocaine on him, too.

Person who leaves four fucking chips left in the chip bag. This egregious creation has a thought process so convoluted, their brain may actually turn out to be as bare as the Sun Chips you had a craving for, but only found 4 broken ones because they couldn’t eat the rest then throw the bag away.

“I‘m done. Let me put the crumbs back in the cabinet.”

— — — — —

Yes, these people exist. They’re out there right now. They’re in the break room, readying a Powerpoint or even setting you their sights on you for their next strike. Kill these archetypes, comrades. Reclaim your glorious time.

You are the chosen ones.

Did I miss some? Share the worst archetypes you wish to see eradicated from the work force below.

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