A Mid-Winter’s Rant

In which I exercise my “old woman yells at cloud” routine.

Its really not a secret that I dislike the ever revolving door of neighbours sometimes. But I’ve been through enough turn over now to feel like maybe a rant post is in order.

Dear new neighbour folks, please know something: You are not the first to go through the “new student type person in the big city” routine, and you will not be the last.

Here’s that general observed routine, give or take some points:

You move in from somewhere away, usually for school. Maybe you are living w/ some buddies. Freedom at last! Your schedule becomes kind of weird, but whatever. Eventually you start to get annoyed living w/ your friends. You’re all dating someone new, and going your own ways, and in basically one year your house dis-bans in a flurry of arguments or activity, and you flee into the promise of new pastures.

I get it. We’ve all been there at some point. But knowing that, here are few rules of thumb for you about living in shared buildings:

  1. Take off your shoes when you come home at night. Maybe your night out at the club was baller. That’s great. But seriously, take your club boots off. The drunken stomp-stumbling is not really appreciated, by anyone, ever. Also don’t kick them off down the stairs and shit, use your hands.
  2. If you stand outside my window smoking and yelling in the night, it sounds like you are in my apartment doing that. So maybe don’t do that. Or you may find a very loud horn rigged to the upstairs window one day.*cough*.
  3. Your buddies do not get car parking on the front lawn privileges. Nobody gets that. Maybe that flies from wherever you rolled in from, but here? No. Park in the back like a regular person, or get a street parking permit. And don’t park in the neighbour’s spot either.
  4. Garbage pickup is Thursday. Prepare accordingly. If you have too much garbage to fit in the bin, get some tags, and store those bags on your deck or in your place then put them out in the morning. Not loose and free in racoon alley for a few days. If you do store it in racoon alley, be ready to clean that shit up. No one needs to see your leftovers and bathroom garbage strewn all over the place. And by no one, I mean me.
  5. Cigarette butts go in an ashtray. Not over the balcony into the plants, not on the ground in front of the doors, not in the grass, not in the house vine. An ashtray. Get one. If you don’t have one, use a can. Bonus: you can recycle the can later, and they are pretty much free.
  6. Speaking of cans, I am all thumbs up for knocking a few back, but please see above mentioned note about racoon alley and cigarette butts (seriously one time I found a broken chair in the back, what is up w/ people and throwing things off decks?).
  7. You are correct if you think I will call in your party noise on a Monday night at 2am. I do not care who is leaving town, or who has moved in. Because there’s ALWAYS someone leaving town, or moving in. It is 2am on a Monday. Shut it.
  8. Sometimes we get winter. I say sometimes, because its hit or miss here depending on the year. There are these items called shovels and salt. Both are kept at arms reach in the front. Using them keeps your steps and sidewalk clear, and enables us to keep receiving mail, and not get fined by the city. Learn how to weild these magical items, and all the pizza flyers in the world will be yours.
  9. Its super fun to have roof access through a window. Please see points 5 and 6.
  10. The couch will never fit up the stairs. I know you will try about 6 times before giving up. I highly suggest bunz or craigslist for sidewalk couches.
  11. If you own bikes and ride them, that’s awesome, we can share bike parking. If you own bikes you never ride, don’t leave them attached to the porch which is the only available and viable outdoor bike parking.
  12. Cut the grass once and a while, I know this might be surprising, but it does grow.
  13. When you do move out (and you will), please take all of your stuff with you rather than leaving it piled on the front lawn looking like a sad cliché movie break up.

I think that about covers it. With this short list in your hands, enjoy your new shiny city life.

Watch out for the racoons tho, they do not fuck around here.

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