Its funny, how we are so afraid of uselessness. The idea that everything, including ourselves should have a function. A reason. A point. But there is a beauty and freedom in futility. When we acknowledge that nothing will ever fill the gap, then we can just appreciate the gap on its own.
There is a recklessness in that, a denial of all the things we were led to believe were right for us. A rejection, if you will, of a basic principal of humanity.
I’ve always felt like a reject.
Like there was some invisible wall that kept me from attaining the things that I wanted. Sometimes that wall was me, sometimes it was someone else. I had always wanted to be loud enough, or smart enough, or hard enough to break that wall. But in breaking that wall, I will, in fact break myself.
It didn’t occur to me that maybe the way to break the wall, was to just not resist the wall. Sometimes the smallest of things is what can bring down a tower. If you let a vine grow, it will eventually strangle its host. It does not matter how big that host is. Nothing survives a slow entanglement.
In a way that is where we are headed, not the explosions of hollywood, not the grand general bang, just a long drawn out air suck. A spot on the glass door of eternity.
A fart in the wake of Saturn.
I’ve let myself drop, but never down the full length. I know a day will come in the future where I will hit that bottom. It won’t be soon, but you can’t outrun your own wolves, nor can you really fight them as popular lore would have you believe.
You just nip and scrapple one another, until someone bleeds out.