Worthless shit

Dear medium,

I’m just trying to be aware of the emotions that are coming to and fro. There are times where I feel so desperately pathetic for something I think is so ridiculous and superficial. Like not being pretty enough, like how can my roommates be so much prettier than me. Coming to college and being exposed to an environment with guys have really got my self-esteem a little bit out of control. I want to feel pretty or attractive all the time and that makes me be a little bit desperate for attention. I guess it’s a normal reaction, I mean who doesn’t want attention and who doesn’t like attention right? Atleast I’m not one of those girls who start wearing kinky kind of clothes and starts posting pics of their bods or whatever. But I can say that ive gone a whole lot more vain.

Sometimes this whole beauty and attention has got me obsessing a little bit towards my younger sister who well has those things. Like how can I be more like her? What does she do that I can do? And shit like that. I mean when the fuck did I care about that? I cant help but think that I’ve put my self esteem in things that are a bit not so good. Hahah my appearance. Sucks, but I think this is what normal teens go through.

Haiyo its mentally exhausting. And personally, I don’t think im hideous looking. I’m actually tolerable I think? But I cant help but wanting to have more. More likes on instagram, more guy friends, more humour so I can be more fun. Human beings you see… the greed, its ridiculous. I’ve made up my mind that since im not planning to date anyone, I really don’t care what I look like and im not gonna care how I look like as long as I’m presentable. I’m not trying to fucking seduce whoever. Hormones hormones, Masyaallah.

As for the whole semi depression thing, its tolerable. I dont feel like cutting myself so much. I feel like my problems that make me stressed are unworthy of going for therapy and stuff. I really don’t know whats going in my head, its mostly just the just pressure from society nowadays. Stupid mass media, making ladies so pressured to look a certain type. I just wish I had a friend to talk about with this and make me feel a lot more comfortable.