Every Single Web Portfolio Site Ever
Imagine the following text set in some un-imposing but ubiquitous font, like Open Sans, with generous spacing and line height. The background-color property of HTML is set to an HSL value somewhere between sea-foam green and turquoise. The design feels airy and modern, but familiar, like something you saw in a really boring dream about web designer portfolios.
Every single fucking element on the page is going to use the same “fade-in-up” animation from animate.css when it loads. Yes, I made you load JQuery from a CDN just so this could happen. You’re welcome.
Hi. I am Oren Weingrod.
Insert “low poly” portrait here.
I’m a maker. I make things. Things are what I make. When I go to cocktail parties and people ask me what I do I say “I am a maker.”
I make things like:
- “Services”
- Dinner, but only like twice a week.
- Super contrived SparkCore projects that do things like tell everyone on Twitter whether or not I’m drinking coffee right now.
Here is a photo of my gear, which rises gently from the bottom of the viewport like an angel floating up to heaven. I included this photo so that you, Mr (or Ms) Portfolio Viewer, will understand that I am:
- A) A human person who is capable of being in possession of objects.
- B) Just like you
Look, I even carry a knife, because apparently it’s third grade and knives are cool again.
I also have an Instagram, which I will shamelessly embed here, because you clearly care so deeply about my daily life. I mostly take photos of landmarks from angles that are already popular, like the Golden Gate Bridge from the National Recreational Area in Marin, or the Brooklyn Bridge framed between skyscrapers in the Financial District.
Skills
I am a Node.JS professional with 18 years of experience. As a child my first words were:
var app = require( ‘express’ );
Here are some absolutely nonsensical progress bars that attempt to show visually my abilities in various areas, rather than actually proving my knowledge through an explanation of my previous and current projects.
CSS9 — 95%
SXHTML (SXML) — 4%
KNDLNG.cpp — 100%
What Others Say About Me
I love the people I have worked with so much that I badgered them for weeks to get me a quote for my portfolio page that is distinct from the LinkedIn endorsement they have already written for me.
Here is what people say about my process:
“Yes, process is surely a word I have heard before.”
— Very Important And Notable Developer Person Who Often Contributes to Open-Source Projects and Serves as a Panelist at Conferences I Say I am Attending But Don’t Actually Go To
Here is what people say about working with me:
“I am continuously amazed by {{INDIVIDUAL.NAME}}’s ability to perform tasks required in their capacity as {{INDIVIDUAL.JOB_TITLE}}.”
— {{EMPLOYER.EMPLOYER_NAME}}
Work
Why would I have work posted here? You’re better off checking out my Github, which has only 3 public repositories (all of which are sample codebases from programming books) and a fork of the Angular repo, or my Dribbble account, where you can see the really awesome and unique iTunes replacement that I only designed one screen of (guess what font I used?! Spoiler alert it’s Helvetica Neue).
Here is a link to my Twitter, my Instagram, my Snapchat, my Swarm, my Reddit comment history, my Yelp Elite Account, my OKCupid Profile, my Github, my SourceForge account, my DeviantArt, my LiveJournal, my Facebook, my Path, my Vine, my Diaspora profile, my Orkut profile, my Rdio profile, my Spotify profile, my Turntable.fm profile, my Last.FM, my 500px, my Flickr, my Social Security Number, my FAFSA Pin, and an email address that is probably hi@mydomain.com.
