Reflections on Mac Miller and Toxic Romance
Blaming other people when something tragic happens is such a deeply ingrained response in our society’s psyche.
Sometimes when I think I’m better I’m reminded that I might not be. I’m no longer stuck in quicksand. I’m home, in my space. But it’s still so easy to leave the screen door open for things to creep back in unnoticed. I know I can be strong, but I also know I’m not completely healed the way people assume I am.
I never really considered Mac Miller one of my top five rappers. I simply enjoyed his music. I listened to his features and bumped GO:OD AM when I was vibing. He was kind of like the dude in the friend group you always expected to be around, to hear and see somewhere.
Divine Feminine was when I truly started paying attention. It was a body of work that spoke of what a person is capable of when they’re in love. How completely love could change someone from the inside out. Then Swimming dropped last month, and all I could hear was an echo of a person that loses sense of self. Of course you can see anything as a red flag in retrospect. All I know is that Mac Miller’s passing is impacting me way more than I anticipated.
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I am brought back to a time. I’m sitting in a plastic chair, shivering from a mixture of exhaustion and the air conditioner on blast. I’m not sure what time it is other than knowing it was way too late to go anywhere else and too early to leave. The nurse keeps asking my ex all these questions about his mental health. He keeps saying he’s fine, just a little sad, just a little stressed. Every word of it sounds so untrue. As untrue as the hateful things spoken in the argument we had only an hour before the seizure. This was the last time, he keeps telling me. This was the first of many.
Throughout the second year of our relationship, I found myself tiptoeing around shards of glass. He would demand to know everyone I was with at all times. He would insist I was leaving him out. He would swear I didn’t love him enough. He would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t answer. Even if I answered, really. He would tie nooses out of spare wire, construction cord. I threw it out the window. He’d threaten to kill us both with a kitchen knife. He’d grab my arms or legs if I tried to leave the house when I was afraid.
Those were scary moments but nothing was worse than the times when he’d take more of his meds than was prescribed. The very thing he was given by doctors to alleviate his depression and anxiety — his inner pain — was suddenly a weapon he’d use to increase the effects of them. He would play this game constantly. And he always had naloxone hiding somewhere because he would save himself at the very last second, just as the darkness would creep in.
I remember spending nights on end crying because I felt so alone in my fight. I knew three simple truths: That I loved deeply, that the man I loved didn’t love himself enough to commit to the battle like I did, that I was afraid to leave and be responsible for all the what-ifs.
Some time has passed and I’ve realized when it comes to letting go of a toxic codependent relationship, you can’t force people to understand what they don’t. You just have to do what is best to take care of you, and pray that the other person will do the same.
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It saddens me deeply that the first reaction people have had to this whole incident is to point the finger at whose fault this was, instead of celebrating one life that has influenced many others.
The reality is that blaming Ariana for not loving Mac enough is just as bad as blaming Mac for not seeking help. Who are you to have a say in another’s private relationships? Glorifying the act of having relationships, in lieu of mental and emotional well-being, is the reason why so many relationships fail. At the end of the day, you can still love someone but simultaneously understand they weren’t good for you. You can continue to love someone as a human being but know that the relationship isn’t healthy. And you definitely cannot expect to give your all to someone else if you yourself are not yet whole.
So if someone hasn’t already told you this, know that you are loved. That there is no universal handbook for loving someone with addiction or caring for their mental health at the same time as caring for your own. That this shit ain’t easy but it does get better, that you will be okay if you have to let go. And all you need to worry about is making sure your soul is fed and your spirit is alive before trying to please everyone else.
There’s nothing wrong with seeking love but know that love is more than romance and drama. It’s knowing that no matter who you’re with, you also know who you are. That you accept yourself first and foremost before asking for the acceptance of others. It’s giving those affirmations to everyone around you, even the ones you don’t think have struggles — because chances are they need to know these truths the most.
