Advanced Ramblings: An Attempt To Not Free Write

Free writing is addictive.

Well, at the moment anyway. My mind never quiets down, so I usually jump at the first opportunity to clear it. Recently, I’ve started free writing every morning for a few minutes, just so I can clear things up in my head. It’s working so far. Interestingly enough, I title my free writing on Google Docs ‘ramblings’ followed by a number. I’m at #3 so far.

You wanna know what else is addictive? Relaxation. And then it gets boring.

There’s always that cycle. You relax, you get bored, you start finding new things to do, you bang away at the keyboard, you break a few pencil nibs, you hack away at that bit of code, you create, you create… and then you’re tired. But there’s the bliss. Right there, in between relaxation and boredom, and then again right in between your first few creations and the next few.

Balance is tough.

If you think otherwise, think back to your first cycle ride without the training wheels on. You really flew, didn’t you? Everything whizzed past, I bet. And then you were acutely aware of the ground getting so much closer, the second you tried stopping that bike. You scraped your knees, you tore your palm, you nursed your wounds, and then you got back on that damn bike.

You think balance isn’t tough? Tell that to your knees.

But if balancing doesn’t make you feel like you’re flying, you must be crazy.

We’re all hurtling through life.

Some of us try to balance it, and some of us fell down a long time ago, blissfully unaware that we were falling. Into our relationships, into our 9 to 9's, into a part of life that we think feels right but will always feel empty.

Now back to those of us who try to balance on our personal modes of transport through the sublime pane, that life thing, and we’re hooting and we’re screaming. And we’re teetering.

I’m teetering right now.

My family is moving, finally, after years of thinking we were. It’s just the simple act of moving from one house to another. But it feels big. Like a giant burger that you’re looking forward to, and not, all at the same time.

I have that game to finish. Well, to start, really, but if you saw my prototype you’d think I’m almost there. Unless you were a programmer. Then you’d know I’m screwed.

Then there’s that other game I have to start. Just start. I don’t even know what it’ll be, at this point.

There’s that short story I need to revise. I hate it, and everyone kinda likes it, so I need to bring it around. There are so many stories to write after that.

Oh, and a blog post I have to finish the first draft of. That’s a big one.

And the list goes on…

Our bodies try so hard to keep up.

To create the things our mind dreams up. It’s like a glutton at a fast food counter that never goes away. And taps at its watch when its next big idea takes a while to gain some reality.

The audacity of that tiny, brilliant thing.

I’m teetering right now, and the orders are spilling over the counter. I’m sprawled there, picking at them, looking at them one after another.

In a few days, I’m going to be relaxing, and waiting to get bored. A few days after that, I’ll be creating again, trying to capture the perfect unrealities of what my mind thinks up, with my hands, with my time.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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