Reflections 1-Happiness (11.19.16)

Reflections is a segment of brutally honest thoughts currently flowing at the time of writing. It’s purpose is to process and provoke ideas for myself and maybe for others.


On this long search for true happiness, a lot of the time I wonder what will happen to me mentally once I finally end up truly and completely happy. Will everything be in my favor? Will the universe balance out along with my mind? Will my sanity be even more diminished?

I honestly believe that nowadays, in this interesting year that is 2016, that if someone stands in front of me and tells me they’re completely happy, they are lying to both me and to themselves. If I were to be set romantically, financially, and mentally from the moment writing this until the day i fall into that eternal sleep, my mind would be on a whole other level of unwell. To add context, I currently struggle with depression and anxiety, while also struggling to make ends meet and trying constantly to suppress my loneliness (that’s for another post), but I’m in a comfortable kind of sadness. I’m more alert than I would be if had a perfect life all around, or as close to perfect as humanly and realistically possible.

Living a comfortable life would put me to sleep, if I’m being completely honest.

As much as I don’t like the challenges I’ve been faced with, they keep me on my toes. They help me by causing me to improve my critical thinking skills instead of passing the task to someone or something else. There are times where I will say I’m bored in a particular moment, but I cant’ even fathom the boredom one might feel in a perfect environment, where there are no negative bank account balances, no fights with a significant other or husband, and no fear of security. Now that’s a wild concept.