Ballers: Even Cocaine and Strippers Can’t Save HBO’s Most Trash Show Of All Time

I really hate to say it, because I love HBO and I love The Rock. He’s buff. Like, really buff. Distractingly buff, some might say. In fact, if you haven’t noticed by watching HBO’s wackest show ever (yes, I feel comfortable saying this), The Rock seems like he’s in a completely different show. He drops f-bombs with too much hesitation and absolutely no heart. He doesn’t want to be involved with the shenanigans, and yet he’s an enabler to these apparently dumb-as-hell NFL players who appear to only like money, cocaine, strippers, more cocaine, alcohol, and being dumb.

If you’ve never seen the show, apparently The Rock is a former NFL player who becomes a money manager to NFL players. Having trouble imagining The Rock in front of a computer crushing models and pivot tables on Microsoft Excel? Good, because the show’s writers and producers never show him doing anything even vaguely financial. He plays more of the “buff guy” role. That means he walks around in expensive suits, remains buff, and complains. Oh, I almost forgot. He also delivers the least convincing F-Bombs known to man.

One thing you need to know about Ballers is that nothing happens on Ballers. It’s almost as if the writers got together, smoked a lot of weed, and decided they simply weren’t going to advance any of the story-lines. Rather than meet and discuss plot ideas, they would just look at Microsoft Powerpoint presentations of tits and pick the ones they liked best. Next, those tits would appear on the show. Oh, they also decided that each episode strip clubs are visited, cocaine is snorted, alcohol is guzzled, and hoes are banged. It’s the only thing that happens. Occasionally brunch is eaten, and quite often, nice cars are driven.

I haven’t seen any football yet, but I’m waiting. I’m sure eventually they’ll show some ballers doing what they do best — balling. I guess they’re holding out on that because potentially that would violate their plan to make sure nothing happens on the show. Oh… my bad… you know what? Nevermind. I forgot. If the ballers balled it would be too cliche… too obvious. Also, how would they be able to do the cocaine if they were busy playing football? Clearly, I could never come up with a show this nuanced and complex.

BALLERS QUESTION #1: If you do cocaine, but it isn’t off a hoe’s tits, did you really do cocaine?

The above question is one of the ultimate questions of life. In nice clothes, wearing jewelry and being on a yacht, you have no choice but to do cocaine. In fact, I think yachts like that come with a year’s worth of cocaine but I’m not sure because I don’t have a yacht. Anyway, if he had done that cocaine off a table, it wouldn’t have been legit. He had to do it off this naked woman’s chest. I’m glad she was there to lend a helping hand… or tit I guess…

BALLERS QUESTION #2: If you aren’t wearing a nice form fitted suit, will people listen to anything you say?

The answer is obviously no. Also, if you are buff and not wearing a suit, you aren’t even actually buff! These are facts.

BALLERS QUESTION #3: If your wife isn’t hot, okay with you cheating, subservient, and also “kind of a bitch” do you even have a wife?

So many of these hoes are stupid, but after you’re done having sex with all of these girls, you need to get a wife. Snagging a wife is something most ballers do. They obviously don’t want wives, but they kind of need them. It’s part of what makes you a true baller. But your wife can’t be too smart, because then uggggggh. I have to listen to my wife nag me all day? Are you kidding me? I’m a baller!

Make sure your wife is okay with you hanging out with other ballers during the day, going to strip clubs with them, and also having sex with the stupid hoes from before. She doesn’t mind, because you are a rich baller. Rich ballers are allowed to do whatever they want. Mostly ball, but also cocaine and other stuff too.

BALLERS QUESTION #4: Is Peter Berg being on this show as the Head Coach of the Miami Dolphins egregiously ridiculous?


BALLERS QUESTION #5: Why is the NFL okay with this show?

This is a question that I don’t have the answer to, to be quite honest. The NFL should have at least bothered to watch the show before agreeing to give up licensing rights. It makes the NFL look so bad. I don’t know why they are okay with this. This isn’t even a jokey part, I’m seriously wondering what the hell the NFL was thinking. They’re so dumb for this.


I’ll keep tuning in every Sunday at 10pm ET on HBO because I fucking love this shit.