I failed

when I was 8 years, I admire her, quick and smart in class, cute smile, so friendly to the others. I knew everyone else is adored her as I do. sometimes I just stared at her, sometimes I enjoy the talk with her, and sometimes I want to take her play and have fun for awhile, just two of us.

I turn 10 that time, home alone, I realized, as the time passes, my feeling turn to be funny like tingling my stomach every time I saw her and then I kind of addicted and obsessed with her. I stole my mother’s bracelet (this’s cheap one 3$) and start to wrote her a love poem, what kind of poetry that 4th graders know? just pile of shit

your eyes are so beautiful. your face like a full moon. blabla

and then free time on school, after PE. my friend asked me

which one do you prefer? girl A, B or her?

my friends talk big like a man, and I cowardly say

girl B

it’s like I’m cowardly denying her with all her charming points that drives me crazy using a block of wood as a facade

not long after that question i did something awful and so disgusting that make a girl that like so much (4th graders) cry. her sister came to my class and I hid like a fking pussy.

since that point of embarrassment we are not close enough to talk to each other. until next year.

the myth of transferred classmate is coming true. and. it’s a boy, long story short, he became the idol of class, but I admit it he is a nice guy. and because of him, my relationship with her is going better. and believe it or not when I pray to god to be with her in small groups or group study in library it actually happened.


this time we all graduate and begin our junior high, I received a new PS2 the first among my friends that I quite enjoy myself. and yes all of my friends talk about BF/GF. I wonder what’s so good to have one? until the day in beautiful morning all of my friends is crowded in the middle of the class. as I ask my friends

the transferred boy is officially the first among us to have a girlfriend.

and I replied.

good to him, with who?

my friends respond.

her

and that was the first time i got my broken heart, I literally can’t hear a thing, can’t eat, can’t take a pee, can’t even spell my name. the first time my brain shut down from hearing a good news.

then come the next year, one of my friends confessed to me that she likes me and want to be a lover. and I pretend to take my time and think about it but the answer is still no even if I give the answer right away. thanks to the one who confessed to me, i can move on and not being a zombie in a class.


and after 9 years together in same class (private school) we (me, her, and she that confessed to me) are not in the same class again even though we’re in same school.

after a year we choose a major for our next year I choose science, but her, she choose social, and forgot to tell you guys, her BF is not in the same school as me but I heard they have been broke up and getting back together again.

in my 2nd year in high school i saw a cute girl and we ended up together for 6 months but then I realized we’re not meant to be, besides I still have a feeling for “her”

in my senior year I ended up with my ex’s best friend, the worst that could happen. but this time i can feel the passion and desire between the two of us. but in the end we broke up, political reasons.

and last 2 months before my graduation, “her”, she saw me and we talk and chitchat for awhile, I got her number and continue the chat over texting and suddenly.

I know that you like me, tbh, I think we could be together if you want but I guess this would be our secret.

she said that stupid words. and I just think about it forever, kidding, maybe 2 hours. and I replied to her.

you’re so attractive to me, maybe until forever, and did you know that I have liked you from 2nd graders and that was quite a long time for me. but I think you can get someone better than me, it’s not like I’m not like you, I really am, but I’m just not worthy to be with you.

she replied.

are you sure?

and so, I replied.

uh-huh

after we graduate, we never talk to each other, since we literally separated by 1000 kilometers. deep down in my heart I want to embrace her and not let her go but yeah I suck at this kind of game, that’s why I’m single for 7 years now. and know she’s happy with her boyfriend I’m glad that we didn’t end up together