Goodbye, 2018! 🎉

The one you have done is enough

I have no idea why it’s easier to write shit like this here. I also have the WordPress app, so it’s not even about convenience. I just feel like Medium is a “safer” place to put down certain thoughts. Kind of like my blog is for sharing my life, but this space is for sharing my mind. Does that make sense? Do you care? Let’s move on, biko.

This is my white flag.

After weeks of partying and needless drinking, I’m letting myself sink. It was not a great year. Was it a better year than the last? Abso-fucking-lutely. But it was not a great year. I’ve ranted about it, I’ve cried about, I’ve come to terms with it.

I lost big.

Too much money. I lost so much money. Goodness. Ah! Mhen. I’ve done a great job of covering it up, but my soul aches for what was and what could have been. I can’t seem to find the right words to quantity just how much pain I deal with daily having to live with this.

Hope was like a flowing river running down the drain of my bathroom sink. Where did it keep coming from? Where did it keep going? How do you hold on to something so fickle? The real kicker is time is no different.

It is very okay to outgrow people and to be outgrown.

I like to think of the relationships that ended as having matured. I have served my purpose in your life, just as you have served your purpose in mine. We continue to trust in the plans of an unseen puppeteer for reasons best known to us.

But the greatest was losing myself — consciously, willingly, deliberately.

I learned.

Again and again.

No man is an island.

I can not do it all at once.

Let go and let God — He has a plan and a purpose.

The absolute worst thing that can happen is death.

If I don’t spend this money, they will use it for my burial when I die.

If that person honestly and truly wants to see you or talk to you or be with you, best believe he/she will find a way.

Stop giving yourself to people who don’t want you.

Time heals all that is hurt, but only when given room.

You can not help someone who doesn’t want your help.

Say you’re sorry without wanting to control how you are forgiven.

Patience.

I actually won.

Every time I went back out after crying in the bathroom.

Every time I pushed myself to finish when I could have quit.

Every time I chose my peace of mind.

I made new contacts and new friends. I dragged myself to all my happy places when I needed to and wallowed less.

I came through for people who needed me.

I have no medals or plaques to show but I have my scars, which I love.

I healed.

I may not be completely satisfied with the victories I had this year, but I refuse to let my dissatisfaction overshadow my gratitude. I am grateful for all the growth and lessons. Extremely thankful for the friends who stuck by me and my supportive family. Elated that I am even alive to write this.

This is my white flag.

It’s been a good run. I’m making peace with myself and the world around me. I can breathe.

Goodbye, 2018; the one you’ve done is enough.