Andy
Andy
Nov 3 · 3 min read

I’ve fallen foul of my own mind

I think I’ve probably always been susceptible to low mood and overthinking. Even as a child I was sensitive to the feelings of those around me – or at least I think I was, I have great difficulty remembering anything in detail about my life. Anything I can remember feels like a scene from a film or tv programme. Even now I feel like I’m playing a part in my own life story. I feel totally unconnected to this person who is playing me.

Anyway, as I say, I think I’ve struggled with mental health issues my whole life, but have been in denial, thinking that it’s just something to get through. Perhaps that determination to ‘get through it’ has led to some of my success. My GP refers to me as a “highly functioning depressive” (But he’s probably exaggerating the “highly functioning” bit).

I mostly present myself as a confident, popular, happy, fortunate man who enjoys life to the full (just check the Facebook me), a thought-provoking HR professional who writes about leadership, people development and change management (the LinkedIn me), a counsellor and coach who goes out of his way to help anyone and everyone who needs it. I have been called a workaholic and someone who never rests, always throwing myself at the next challenge, putting myself into difficult projects and roles (which I now think was most likely a distraction technique – to keep my mind focussed on something other than trying to be happy and give everyone the impression that I was fine).

Underneath all that façade is a zero self-esteem, body dysmorphic, imposter phenomenon suffering, perpetually worrying, perfectionist, stress-eating, emotional, horribly sad mess of a man, who believes he has no purpose and should just stop existing!

About three weeks ago, everything got too much for me and I realised I needed help when I wrote a very dark blog which referenced my suicidal thoughts. Enough was enough and I opened up for the very first time about wanting to stop existing.

Yes, yes, I can hear you shouting, I’m a counsellor – I should know better and should have sought help a long time ago. The brain is a funny thing though and apparently a lot of people like me, who have studied mental health conditions, are qualified counsellors, psychologists or psychiatrists and ‘should know better’ can’t (or won’t) see their own symptoms. Certainly in my case, my brain keeps telling me I should know better, so can’t possibly be depressed and it doesn’t allow me to fully see the validity of my pain when compared to others. I feel guilt and shame if I even allow myself a moment of self-care. Even now, as I write this blog, my brain is doing everything it can to tell me I’m being fraudulent.

But I’m not. These feelings are very real. The intense sadness for no real reason. The lack of energy, fatigue and tiredness which makes me fall asleep at the drop of a hat, except of course at night-time when my mind starts its overthinking cycle and causes me to lay awake playing obsessing tracks in my brain.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and have accepted I need help to change if I am ever going to feel truly happy. All of this has been building up over a very long time, possibly decades and it’s going to take some time to fix.

Andy

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Andy

Just a regular guy with things to say. A counsellor, coach and mediator, I have a passion for understanding and challenging why people do the things they do.