What I would like to see on SNL after the Inauguration

Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell sit in a pair of luxurious leather chairs, drinking brandy and smoking cigars.

Paul: Well, Mitch, we did it.

Mitch: Yes, we certainly did Paul.

Paul: We managed to take a billionaire who made his fortune by swindling and muscling smaller businessmen with no experience in government and pass him off as a hero of the little people!

Mitch: And he rode a wave of populism by promising to get rid of corporate lobbyists in Washington, and now he’s putting all our favorite corporate leaders and billionaire friends in positions of power!

Paul: Meanwhile, we get to ride his coattails and pass that regressive agenda we’ve been holding onto for the last eight years, rolling back protections for the environment….

Mitch: … women’s protections, LGBT protections, voting rights for minorities…

Paul: … and we managed to steal a Supreme Court Justice too!!

They laugh.

Mitch: Yes, I was really worried there for a while, all those things he said about Muslims and Mexicans and women…

Paul: Yeah, between his mouth and his twitter feed, frankly I’m amazed we pulled it off in the end!

Mitch: Well, we had a little help, didn’t we?

Paul: We sure did. Remind me to send a nice thank-you bag of cash to Mr. Comey later.

Mitch: So, now that Donald is sworn in, and everything’s official, and we’ve got the majorities we need in both the House and Senate…

Paul: … We don’t need the Donald anymore? No, quite right. I think it’s about time to cut him loose.

Mitch: Time to release that special bit of information we kept to ourselves, and impeach him, and then we can let good ol’ Mike Pence run things the way our Grand Old Party always wanted!

They laugh again. It trails off a little uncomfortably.

Paul: Yeah, you go right ahead and do that.

Mitch: Yeah I’ll just… wait, me? I thought you…

Paul: What? No, that was your job.

Mitch: But, I never… didn’t you?

Paul: No, of course not, I….

BOTH: Uh-oh

Paul: Well, what are we going to do?

Mitch: Hang on, I got an idea. (he sends a text)

Steve Bannon enters the room.

Mitch: Glad you could make it Bannon! We need you.

Steve: Hey, I hope this won’t take long. I was heading home for the night. I just heil’ed a cab.

Paul: Well Steve, we’re real proud of the job you’ve done, running that great campaign. You’ve ushered in a new era of politics.

Steve: I like to think of it as a return to an older era, if you know what I mean.

Mitch: Yes, yes, well… now it’s the time to begin the final phase of the plan.

Steve: Oh? Already? Well, okay… I didn’t think it would be so soon…

Mitch: (to Paui) See? I told you he’d have something.

Steve: I’ve got some plans drawn up, we can expand Guantanamo to hold some of them but I figure we just ship most of them Alaska or Antarctica… or Utah.

Paul: Ship who, Bannon?

Steve: All of the people who aren’t… you know… (gestures to his face) like us.

Paul: What are you talking about?

Steve: You said it was time. For the Final Solution. I’ve got this great plan to expel all the coloreds and enslave all the women. Or was it the other way around?

Paul: Phase! Final Phase!

Steve: Oh. Oh, well, forget you heard any of that. Final phase of what?

Mitch: The part where we release the really bad stuff about Trump, get him impeached. Get rid of him.

Steve: Oh, right. Sure. Why?

Paul: Nevermind… I’ll take care of this. (he sends a text)

Kellyanne Conway enters the room.

Paul: Kellyanne, good… we need you.

Kellyanne: Of course, it’s my… greatest pride to serve… all of… you.

Paul: And you’ve done a fine job, really. We couldn’t have done it without you Kellyanne. And now there’s just one more thing for you to do.

Kellyanne: One more thing?

Mitch: Yes, we’re at the end of this adventure now. But we need something from you. Something… juicy. To take him down.

Kellyanne: I don’t understand. Something on Trump?

Mitch: Something on Trump. You know, his big secret.

Kellyanne: I DON’T KNOW HIS BIG SECRET! NO ONE DOES! HOW DOES HE DO IT? HE LIES AND LIES AND EVERYONE JUST BELIEVES HIM! WHY?

Mitch: Kellyanne, calm down! What are you talking about?

Kellyanne: I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED! I GOT HIM ELECTED EVEN THOUGH HE COULD NEVER SHUT UP! YOU PROMISED ME YOU’D MAKE ME IMMORTAL IF I DID THIS FOR YOU! YOU SAID WE WOULD LIVE FOREVER! WHY DO YOU KEEP TORTURING ME?

Paul: What are you talking about? We never promised to make you immortal!

Kellyanne: But if you’re not vampires, why did Steve Bannon keep sucking on my neck?

(stunned silence. Bannon just shrugs).

Paul: Okay, okay…. We’re getting desperate. But there’s gotta be something out there, right? Someone’s gotta have something really great they’ve been sitting on, just waiting to leak it at the right time….

Mitch: That’s it! (sends another text)

Julian Assange enters.

Paul/Mitch: Julian!

Julian: I’m here, what is it you want? I’ve got to get back to the Ecuadorian Embassy before anyone realizes I’m gone.

Mitch: Well, we were hoping you had some more documents set aside.

Julian: I already gave you all of Clinton’s emails.

Mitch: Yes, but we were hoping for some of Donald’s now.

Julian: Donald doesn’t use email.

Mitch: He doesn’t?

Julian: Of course not. He never has a thought that lasts longer than 140 characters.

Paul: Well, haven’t you got anything good on him? Mob contacts? Racial discrimination? Sexual assaults?

Julian: What’s wrong with sexual assault?

Paul: Nevermind…

Julian: Lots of men commit sexual assault. Lots of men with weird hair. What’s wrong with that?

Paul: Mitch… I think we’re going to have to go right to the source for this.

Mitch: You really think so? I mean, can we trust him?

Paul: Come on, he got all that stuff from the DNC, surely he picked up something on Donald too. We’ll call him up and explain that we appreciate everything he did, but we need some help with Donald.

In his office, on the phone, Vladimir Putin is laughing his ass off.

Putin: HAHAHA! Oh my, you mean you to tell me you set up this putz be your puppet and you forgot the insurance policy?

Paul: Well, we had a plan to create an insurance policy but, you know, we’re light on the details.

Putin: Yes, I hear that about the GOP and insurance. So what is it you expect of me?

Mitch: Well, surely you have something on him you can share.

Putin: What is in it for Mother Russia?

Mitch: Come on, you don’t want Donald with his finger on the big red button. You don’t want World War Three any more than we do!

Putin: You think we are afraid of nuclear winter? This is Russia. It’s always winter!

Paul: We’ll let you keep Rex.

Putin: (pause) I’ll see what I can do.

Putin hangs up on Mitch and Ryan, dials out.

Answering the phone, sitting in a basement and surrounded by computers, is Edward Snowden.

Putin: Eddie! How are you, my boy?

Edward: Darn it, Vlad, I told you to use my “hacker name” … “Guccifer 2.0!”

Putin: Yes, yes, Gucci. I have another assignment for you. We need something that Trump has done that’s illegal. A felony if possible.

Edward: I don’t know, man… he’s pretty well insulated. He’s got more lawyers than Satan.

Putin: Don’t be silly, Bannon doesn’t have that many lawyers!

Edward: I’m just saying, it doesn’t matter how many laws his companies break, Trump himself is never personally responsible for any of it.

Putin: So you mean that no matter how much money he steals or how many companies he destroys, he gets all the positive press and none of the consequences?

Edward: Exactly.

Putin: Wow…. and I thought being a dictator was a good gig.

Back in Washington, Paul and Mitch hang up and shake their heads.

Paul: We’re on our own, Mitch.

Mitch: Paul… how are we going to get through this? I mean… It’s Donald Trump!!

Paul: Well, come on, it’s only a matter of time before he does or says something totally unacceptable, right?

Donald Trump enters

Donald: Paul, Mitch! How about that inauguration? Tremendous! Greatest Inauguration ever! The best!

Paul: Yes, Mr. (choking on the words) President.

Donald: I can’t wait to Tweet about it!

Mitch: Yes! Absolutely! Tweet! Tweet everything!

Donald: I mean, I would, but Melania stole my phone. Said I had more important things to do, can you believe that? I can’t believe it. She said if I Tweeted again, she’s stop cooking dinner and make to do things with my son… like read to him and play board games. Anyhow, did you see my speech? I give the best speeches. What were the ratings?

Paul: The ratings? Of the inauguration?

Donald: The ratings, I bet they were the highest ever. They’ll have to give me the Emmy now.

Paul: An Emmy? For the inauguration?

Donald: Best ratings ever! My speech was way better than Meryl Streep’s. Bigly! She’s got two Emmy’s, you know that? Disgraceful! Totally political! They wouldn’t give me one for the Apprentice but they’ll have to now.

Paul: Mr (choking) President, I don’t think that’s how it works..

Donald: And I was thinking, next time around, we should skip the election. We’ll just get a dozen contestants and make them compete with each other, and I’ll pick the winner at the end! We’ll call it “The Candidate!” I’ll be yuge!

Mitch: Paul….

Donald: Also, I was thinking, we’ve got a big problem with nuclear. It’s so big, so bad. There’s too many nuclear weapons in the world. Iran’s got em. Korea’s got em. Jina’s got ‘em.

Paul: Russia….

Donald: Yeah, they’re all right. But it’s just terrible. We need way less nuclear bombs in the world.

Paul: So, what do you want to do about it?

Donald: I want to build us a bunch of brand new nuclear weapons. Bigger and better ones!

Mitch: Paul….

Donald: And cyber! Cyber is yuge! And no one knows anything about it! Nobody! Except me, I know all about it. I watched this movie the other day, it was called “Hackers!” It was so realistic, like a documentary! And it had Angelina Jolie when she was still a solid eight. She looked like a teenager, you know? Like someone I might date!

Mitch: Paul!

Paul: I know Mitch…

Mitch: What do we do?

Paul: There’s only one thing we can do!

(they grab each other in terror)

Paul/Mitch: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!