Lágrimas del Gatita

The WHO today announced a crackdown on an incipient drug epidemic that threatens all humanity.

Originating in the shamanic practices of Taino Indians of the north coast of the Dominican Republic, the drug known as Kitten Tears has begun to spread around the globe. Initially brought to Saint Petersberg by Russian kite surfers returning from the DR, the drug is now being marketed around the globe by Canadian e-cigarette entrepreneurs and Russian gangsters

The drug itself is made from the tears of kittens infected with the parasite Toxoplasmosis Gondii. This parasite is psychoactive, and normally spreads from rats to cats by making the rats unafraid of cat urine. In humans, infection leads to male risk taking behavior and female hyper-sexuality.

The infected kittens are held in cages with their heads restrained above tear collection troughs. Hot chili sauce is applied to their anuses, and the kittens cry so hard, they literally cry blood. Not blood itself, but blood plasma filtered through the tear ducts. The blood plasma is rich in the psychoactive substances produced by the parasite.

This drug was discovered by extreme sportsmen and drug dealers as a kind of artificial courage, and by female sex tourists seeking to free themselves from any inhibitions.

Traditionally, the tears, containing a yeast that lives in the cat’s eyes, is fermented into a bittersweet liqueur. To increase contemporary production, the fermentation step is skipped and the tears are vaped directly in electronic cigarettes.

Whilst the drug allows users to experience the psychoactive effects of toxoplasmosis infection without the brain damage that results from parasite creating cysts in the brain, long term exposure to the psychoactive substances leads to permanent changes in brain chemistry.

In both men and women, the long term effects are to reduce higher order thinking, rendering the addict much like an animal. In men, this means increased risk taking behaviors, impulsiveness and aggression, significantly delayed ejaculation, along with reduced higher reasoning — a combination that female users find very attractive. In women, the effects are more dramatic, with a decreased ability to form long term relationships, increased orgasm frequency and intensity, a decreased sensitivity to cat urine that can facilitate excessive cat collecting behavior, emotional reasoning, and a tendency to magical thinking such as new age flakery and post-modernist denials of reality.

Users of the drug can often be spotted by the eyes — male users are described as wild eyed, while female users are described as having a 1000 cock stare.

The WHO recommends an increase of funding for the toxoplasmosis eradication program. Toxoplasmosis and this drug represent a fundamental threat to humanity’s basic cognitive capabilities. Humanity will not survive long if this drug and parasite spread said WHO spokesman Igneous Pelota at WHO headquarters on Rue De Remarques in Geneva.

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