I have spent a bizarrely inordinate amount of time thinking about, experimenting with and researching modesty.
When it comes to modesty, there is just so much out there. The evangelical groups such as the Independent Fundamentalist Baptists that often preach women should only wear skirts that fall below their knees and keep everything from shoulder, to neck, to aforementioned knee covered; there are many Muslims that believe it is best for women to wear the hijab– covering themselves from head to wrists and ankles, no hair, neck, or body in between being visible in public; there are yet other Christian fundamentalist groups that insist it is best for women to don a head covering or veil at all times, along with long, loose, subdued clothing… (and the list goes on,)
But what really caught my eye on the subject and drew my attention to the rampant debate about modesty on the interwebs and throughout our faith communities was the LDS (Mormon) church’s modesty guidelines for members. They are far less stringent than almost any other heavily religious group that puts modesty towards the forefront of its platform, yet still strict nonetheless: shorts and skirts should go to the knees, shoulders should be covered by capped sleeves, and everything between your very-modest neckline and knees should be covered completley.
More conservative areas within the LDS church such as (the rather infamously stringent) BYU-Idaho have prohibited skinny jeans– although as mentioned above this is just BYU-I as BYU (Provo) and BYU-Hawaii are fine with students wearing modestly cut skinny jeans.
(Note: yes, it’s true that BYU-Hawaii is a completely different story, as students are even allowed to wear flip-flops which are banned at the other two campuses, as well as being somewhat notorious for students managing to get away with slightly higher hemlines and shorter sleeves; this is perhaps due to the tropical climate.)
However it should be understood that although the BYU Honor Code does give a general idea of the ideal Mormon modesty standards, the church itself is not quite as strict. Lots of Mormons wear skinny jeans with no shame or repercussions, and literally millions of Mormons own and wear flip-flops; neither of these is an official stance which the church holds, and neither of these things will affect your worthiness, or result in any kind of official church discipline or backlash.
Which brings me to my main point– this cringey, strange little catch phrase that haunts me to this day. You guessed it–
“Modest is Hottest!”
A phrase I first encoutnered as the heading a cheerful LDS modesty blogger had proclaimed boldly, bizarrely, and cheerfully in an eye-catching font at the top of her site. I’m pretty sure I did a double take– my eyes must have deceived me? But no, there it was again, “Modest is Hottest!”.
Now don’t get me wrong. I myself appreciate modesty, and I try to practice modesty in many aspects of my life– clothes included. I also offer my completely and totally unflinching support (and respect) to those who choose to adhere to a set of personal modesty standards for whatever reason that may be– religious, or otherwise.
But unless I’ve just COMPLETELY missed the whole point of this modesty issue, doesn’t the entire reason to be modest lay in not striving to be “hot”, or not flaunting your hotness, or not needing or wanting to rely on your figure/your “hot bod”, and thus being the antithesis of simply hot in that you choose to let your personality and spirit shine forth and define you instead of your hotness factor?
Because from literally everything I have read on this subject, the whole entire point of being modest is to not be attempting to be hotness as your main goal, and instead, be attempting to be MODEST…yes?
If you see what I mean, this whole “modest is hottest” thing is just plain ridiculous. You really can’t have it both ways, and it seems cringe-worthy and silly at worst, or impeccably misguided at best. Trying to spin being modest as the best way to be hot and attract guys…? How counterintuitive does that sound?
“Oh yeah, let’s go get some guys with that new extra-smokin’ babelicious level of modesty we’ve just worked so hard to achieve”.
I mean, come on! Please?
Still, like I said before:
I believe that women should dress modestly. I also believe that men should dress modestly.
Why? Well, quite simply, because I don’t believe that showing off excess amounts of yourself in public when unnecessary sends a positive message, or benefits any of us in any real way; in fact, I only see damage that is done when we rely on our bodily appearance to be our embassadors to the world in lieu of our true selves.
What do I mean when I say “unnecessary”? I mean at times when it just doesn’t make sense!
If you are participating in an activity that requires less clothing to be successful, such as swimming, gymnastics, ballet, running a marathon, getting a spray tan– whatever– then I think it is perfectly fine to wear something appropriate for that occassion that is still modest in its own sense.
(Don’t get me started on my hatred of skimpy two piece stripper-esque costumes on little girls for the purpose of “dance”– so awful and innapropriate and honestly just plain weird. I’m talking about things that are actually appropriate for the occasion, like I said!!)
For example, for swimsuits used for leisurely swimming pool activities, that would likely mean a one piece or tankini that do not show excess cleavage, and are suited (no pun intended!) for swimming and tanning, not designed to catch the male eye, OR the female eye for that matter! You can find tons of cute swim suits that are not designed for the sole purpose of stirring up sexual desire in the opposite sex if you just search around a bit (especially online!), and they will serve you so much better than a ridiculous skimpy bikini that you are arfraid to even wear into the swimming pool because it might pop off at any moment! Those don’t make sense for that situation, just like wearing even a modest swimsuit to a grocery store would not make sense in that situation, and therefore become immodest.
The situation and your intent really have everything to do with how modest an article of clothing is.
And don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you should choose your outfits or swimsuits by thinking “what will defintiely not cause the opposite gender to be attracted to me, and keep away all sexual desire!”, becasue I think that is ridiculous, and I don’t think it’s your job to choose all your clothes based on attempting to be a preventative force againt other people’s sexual desires (which, newsflash: will occur regardless of what you wear, and are not really under your control), but I DO think that the primary purpose of your clothing shouldn’t be to ensnare a potential mate based soley on your sex appeal.
“Isn’t that SO un-feminist of her?!” Some of you are probably thinking right now, “Women should be allowed to wear whatever they want because they should be liberated enough to bear all without the fear of being judged!” you may say, “Women are not slaves to men’s desire! Women should wear what they like!” So, before we go any further, let me remind you of the definition of feminism: that men and women should be treated equally, and thus held to the same standards, given the same opportunities, and compensated equally for the same quality and quantity of work, among other things.
Firstly, I’m not saying what people should or shouldn’t be allowed to do in any case. Do what you want. I’m simply making the argument that it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to do otherwise, and it can be quite imprudent and unwise to boot.
Also, I fully believe that men should be held to this same standard of modesty! I don’t think men should be walking around half naked any more so or less so than women shouldn’t be.
Men should not be objectified by women. Women should not be objectified by men. Thus, yes, I firmly support men AND women being modest in both dress and character, because I don’t believe that we should judge people’s worth off of their physical appearance, or how seductively they manage to dress themselves in public, you know, without actually getting arrested.
To my mind that all seems like an incredibly poor judge of a person’s true self, and even seems like it de-humanizes us all, making us all more object-like and less person-like in doing so.
Even if you don’t agree with me on that, you have to admit that long term relationships based purely on looks and physical attraction generally don’t make it to being just that– long term relationships– unless there is something else at play such as millions of dollars/sugar daddy scenarios, etc., which are nonetheless emotionally unfullfilling and shallow at best.
And yes, 99.999 out of every 100 times a guy will be attracted to a girl, and vice versa, based on her looks at first— but I would hazard a guess that you don’t need to be skimpily outfitted to attract a worthwhile guy or gal. I’m not saying we need to dress in potato sacks here, I’m just pointing out that there is something to be said for a little class and discretion when it comes to how we choose to present ourselves.
I also think there’s something to be said about people that choose to rely on their bodies rather than themselves and their personalities in dealing with life.
It’s just not “the way to do it” in my opinion.
Of course on the flip side of the coin I don’t think we should be dressing modestly to attract people (eg. “modest is hottest”), and I don’t think that we should be dressing modestly because if we don’t we’re going to be raped and it will be our fault, and I don’t think we should dress modestly because we should be ashamed of our sexuality or our bodies. I don’t think that we should dress modestly becasue God thinks women are too enticing to men, and I don’t think we should dress modestly becasue it’s the “in” thing to do, and I don’t think we should dress modestly becasue it is our job to help other people not think sexual thoughts.
I DO think we should dress modestly becasue our bodies should not be the foremost deciding factor in how others perceive us as human beings, I DO think we should dress modestly because our bodies are beautiful, and are sexual, and have the capacity to be shared in both meaningful and beautifully sexual ways with someone who loves us as a human being (and NOT as an object!), and that we should keep that level of sexual sharing between us and that special someone, and not between us and the entire world. I DO think we should dress modestly because it makes sense to wear appropriate clothing in public areas, and simply does’t make sense to wear booty shorts or see-through tops to the grocery store or to class, and lastly, I DO believe that we should dress modestly becasue it shows that we respect ourselves and value ourselves as more than just our appearances– that we value and respect ourselves as thinking, feeling, contributing human beings who have personalities, and thoughts, and selves to share that are so much more than simply our physical appearances. I DO believe that we should dress modestly because our bodies are sacred.
Hopefully this post gave you a thing or two to think about or consider, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on modesty in the comment section below! Is “modest hottest” or not? Thanks for reading! And til next time…
